How to stay healthy in church

On advice from my doctor, who was concerned about my blood pressure, I went to a "said" Mass today: being a music-lover, I suffer a lot of stress if I have to sing "Shine, Jesus, Shine", "Walk in the Light", or "Follow Me". It is also bad for my blood pressure to hear badly-played guitars and flutes. So a "said" Mass it was.

Now, can you see the next health hazard?

I was sitting next to the aisle. In front of me, a man coughing and sneezing into his hands, practically non-stop. Behind me, a woman, less of an invalid, but also sneezing into her hands once in a while. Ahead of me... the dreaded Kiss of Peace!

"Sorry, Eccles, I should have sat next to you."

Clearly, when the deacon (for it was he) uttered the fateful words about offering each other a sign of peace, I was not going to be able to avoid clasping the germ-sodden hands of Mr Sneezy and Mrs Spluttery. The words of a famous 1960s hymn came to mind:

Coughs and sneezes spread diseases:
Trap the germs in your handkerchief.

It is memorably sung to the tune of Deutschland Über Alles (Haydn's Emperor's Hymn) by Tony Hancock in the Blood Donor sketch. I heard that Kevin Mayhew was planning to include it in his next hymnbook, set to a newer and more trivial tune.

"Coughs and sneezes spread diseases."

Let's formulate this as a chess problem: Eccles to move.

My inspiration - a chess knight!

Yes, I surreptitiously edged two places to the left, behind the military man in the eye-patch, and in front of the middle-aged woman who insisted on singing loudly, even though it was widely reported that she could not carry a tune in a bucket. During the offertory, I had to get up anyway, to pass the collection plate to the man on my left, who vaguely resembled a film star. So when I sat down again, I was a knight's move away from the sneezing duo. The current rules of etiquette mean that shaking hands is not compulsory at that distance, although a "leer of peace" is expected. Saved!

"Peace be with you! But come any closer and I'll shoot you with my phaser."

I'll stop there - I think I've got a cold coming on.

A Call to Acton

Acton - a focus for dissent.

Hello, we are seven very clever but naughty priests who hate the Pope, the Catholic Church's moral teaching, and the new translation of the Mass. We wrote a letter to the Tabloid, explaining how we wanted to foster and encourage a culture of dialogue and solidarity. Benny, Benny, Benny! Out! Out! Out! That's a slogan that will unite the whole Catholic world.

No longer is Rome going to be allowed to dictate to us. We shall elect one of our number as Anti-Pope, and he will lead the faithful from the People's Palace in historic Acton. Our disciples will come down the "Healing Broad Way" to a new world.

Let us introduce ourselves, in our own words.

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Fr Bashful.

Look, do I have to go first? I'm sure Mgr Doc would do a much better job - he's read all the clever books by people like Hans Küng, Richard Dawkins, Marie Stopes, and other modern Catholic thinkers whose work is published in the Tablet. I'm no good at this "enfant terrible" stuff, and I certainly don't want to be the next Anti-Pope.

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Oh all right. I'm Mgr Doc, the intellectual of the group. I was the one who wrote the Tabloid letter, as I know lots of long words like "disobedience," "rebellion," and "dinosaur." I even know Latin, although of course I only use it for swearing. But I am also a doctor of Immoral Theology, having written a thesis on Genocide - why does the Pope insist on condemning it? That arrogant man, Pope Benedict, has refused to respond to any of my letters to him, even though I bought a special bottle of green ink for the purpose. Who does he think he is?

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Er, yes, I'm Fr Dopey. Um. I guess. I finks Tina Beattie is a genius. What does we do now?

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Fr Grumpy.

Grumpy's the name, but you can call me "Father." And I am furious at the intransigence of the Vatican. Look, I want to be allowed to get married to Sister Snow White; then, who knows, I may be unfaithful to her and get a divorce. It's my human right to do this if I wish, and it doesn't stop me doing my job as a social worker with that extra "Christian" ingredient. If Henry VIII could have six wives and cut off the heads of two of them, why can't a priest in good standing do likewise?

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Hey, my name's Fr Happy, but some people call me simply "Gay." Have you got a problem with that, sweetie? You're a bigot, bigot, bigot...

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I'm Father... Zzzz...

Yes, I'm the Dean of Great Snoring. Vatican II was a wake-up call for all of us - well, not me, in fact, but everyone else. And it specifically said that the office of Pope should be abolished and replaced by a People's Committee. Zzzz...

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A-a-a-a-a-choo! Fr Sneezy here. A-a-a-a-a-choo! Bless me! That's all the liturgy I know, and it's quite enough! A-a-a-a-a-choo!

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And now, a little puzzle for our readers.

Tablet, Tablet on the Wall. Who is the naughtiest priest of all?