How to translate the Mass

The story so far: at the time of Vatican II, it was decided to rush out translations of the Mass into the vernacular. Not the true vernacular, as phrases such as "Cor, strike a light, guv", "Eee ba gum", and "Och aye the noo" were used very sparingly; but a sort of casual and imprecise vernacular, all the same.

Now, when I say translation, I really mean "variation on an original theme". The people translating the Mass didn't even have the benefit of Google translate, so they had to guess what the Latin words meant. Actually Google itself seems to have been got at, as it turns the Latin Gloria into:

Glory to God in the highest
and on earth peace, goodwill toward men.
We praise you,
thank you,
we adore you,
we glorify you,
Thank you for your glory;
Lord God, heavenly King
Father Almighty.

Which looks distinctly wonky.

"Do any of you speak Vernacular?"

Anyway, for about 40 years, people muddled on with a B-grade translation, not quite sure whether the peace on Earth was intended for everyone, or just people of goodwill, or those whom God loves. There is also this problem about whether the Precious Blood is shed for many, for all, or just me and my mates.

So, in 2011, an English translation was produced, and it caused hysterics among liberal Catholics. For example, the precise theological concept "consubstantial" had previously been vernacularised into "of one being", or "being of one oneness", or possibly "one of one beingness", or maybe "being of one beingness". Whatever it was, it was a waffly as possible. The new translation made worshippers use a 4-syllable word which required thinking about... my dear, it was awful!

"I've added some cartoons to make it more popular."

The French and Italians wanted to go their own way. "Lead us not into temptation" appears to be what Jesus said. But we can improve on that. "Zut alors, ne nous laisse pas entrer en tentation parce-que la plume de ma tante est dans le jardin" seems to be the version currently used by the frogs, although I may not have got that quite right. The Italian version is full of Mama Mias and references to tutti-frutti ice-cream but they also don't want to be allowed to enter into temptation.

Anyway, the good news is that Pope Francis is going to take a lead on this. The Lord's Prayer, in particular, needs updating. Apart from local variations it has remained unchanged for 2000 years, and omits to mention climate change, equality and diversity, and vaccinations. A theological commitee - consisting of the Pope, Bill Gates, George Soros, Klaus Schwab, Joe Biden, Alyssa Milano, and Ocasio-Cortez - will be rushing out a new Lord's Prayer (not tested on humans, but many hamsters have reacted favourably to it). This will become compulsory in 2021.

Experts prepare a new version of the Latin Mass.

A guide to the Novus Ordo 2

Continued from Part 1.

The story so far: although more used to the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, our students are learning about the Ordinary Form. As today's lesson starts we are about to embark on the act of penitence. So far the church is not very full, because those who aren't sinners haven't yet bothered to show up.

At this stage, late-comers are probably outside, liturgically parking the car.

For those who got there on time, the chances are that you will say a prayer starting: I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned.

Note that in the earlier English translation of the Missal (undertaken by a distinguished team of scholars including Basil Loftus and a man who owned a Latin dictionary with only a few pages missing), the greatly wasn't present; that's because people didn't sin so much in those days. The new translation also adds through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault, and you are supposed to beat your breast, perhaps three times.

Mea maxima culpa! How to beat your breast.

Actually, it seems that most people don't bother to do the breast-beating thing. If you are holding a baby, then it's probably a dangerous thing to attempt, but your sins may well be forgiven, all the same.

If you're lucky you will also get a sung version of this: Lord have mercy. Kyrie Eleison. If you're less lucky it will be accompanied by a man on an electric organ, a spotty teenager with a guitar, and an old man playing some sort of recorder. This is to encourage you to cry out for mercy.

Lord have mercy!

Well, that's over, the remaining stragglers have now turned up, usually squashing into the most crowded pews, and we are ready for the Gloria: Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to people of good will. In the earlier translation Lofty's pals got this wrong - possibly because some of them were not people of good will - and it came out as ...and peace to His people on earth.

"On earth" was also deemed to include astronauts.

The Gloria, as re-translated by Arthur Roche and co, is now very similar to its Latin equivalent; however, the congregation are nowadays encouraged to use some of the time in consulting their mobile phones, texting friends, etc. This is so that they don't do it during the Liturgy of the Word.

Before that, we may be invited to participate in a moment of silent prayer. Do it quickly, since after about 0.0001 seconds the priest will rush into the Collect. We'll discuss the Bible readings next time.

At the next stage the lector does not need to be a priest.

Why can't the churches do as I say?

For those who missed Tim Montgomerie's Times article No palace, no politics. Just Christian teaching (which is most people, as you would probably need to pay to read it), here is a summarised version.

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One reason I became a Christian, at the age of 36, was the writings of C.S. Lewis. I was reading this very exciting story about a lion, a witch and a wardrobe, and it was explained to me that Aslan was just another name for God. Since I adore big cats, I knew that a religion which worshipped a lion was just the one for me.

Aslan. The Bible says that Jesus was incarnated as a lion.

Nowadays, I think the churches have lost their way. They are trying to give a moral lead, and to obstruct policies agreed by democratically-elected politicians. They hardly ever sit down to any serious lion-worshipping.

However, now that a new Archbishop of Canterbury is to be appointed, it is a great opportunity for all the churches to get back to basics. Here are my plans for the Church of England: I am sure that the Catholics, the Muslims, and the Jews (etc.) will immediately follow suit. After all, as far as I can tell, they all believe roughly the same things.

Sell off the churches for affordable starter homes and all-night supermarkets. This is what the country needs now, not a building for people to gather in and think subversive thoughts.

St Paul's - would be much more useful as another branch of Tesco's.

A total reorganization of church services. My researches have shown that priests are unnecessary, since it does not require special training for someone to read out a few prayers. Moreover, churches should be a forum for discussion, taking the House of Commons as a model.

The liturgy should be amended according to the needs of the day. For example, the words Gloria in Excelsis Deo or "Glory to God in the Highest" should be a motion for debate, and not to be taken for granted. In a pilot scheme, we found that a focus group preferred to amend this to Habe bonum diem, Deus or "Have a nice day, God," a motion which was then passed by a two-thirds majority.

A lion, possibly Aslan, having a nice day.

Don't try and give a moral lead. Luckily, the main Christian churches have more-or-less dropped the idea of making moral judgements, but a few rogue bishops and archbishops will insist on talking about sex. I have read "The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe," and I can assure you that Aslan never talks about sex.

The more libertarian approach adopted by the BBC seems to work very well. There's this chap called Savile who's been in the news recently: I haven't kept up with the full story here, but all I'm saying is, why can't the churches follow his example and stop treating sexual activity as something that should only take place in private?

Confession. Once the government has been allowed to take over the churches, Confession will operate as it does in police stations - a priest with a truncheon will hit the penitent sinner until he or she confesses their sins.

A really interesting Confession, requiring four priests for Absolution.

Vestments. Again, these are unnecessary in the modern era. The churches should take their lead from politicians, and dress simply.

"Here comes the bride," a humble politician in simple dress.

I trust that my words of advice will be taken up by the people in authority. Times are changing, and the churches need to change too, or they will become places where only the religious-minded will feel at home. Next week, I'll be giving more details of my plans to make divine worship conform to a proper business model.

Inside a mosque. But wouldn't it be more businesslike with computers, filing cabinets, and proper office furniture?