Don't be discouraged if someone looks the other way and turns off his hearing aid.
"Why me?" you ask. "Why can't Welby do it himself? All right, he's a great bore. But how about Nurse Sarah Mullally, the bishopess of London? Ten minutes of politically correct waffle, that will go straight to the heart, won't it?"
No. For whatever reason, the lot has fallen on you. An estimated 2 billion people will be listening in, so you must DUMB DOWN. No learned discourse on the spirituality of the lesser kings of Judah, or the precise translation of some particular word in the synoptic gospels. No, they want SEX.
I'm sorry. They want LOVE. Statistically, it has been shown that nearly 30% of people who get married are actually in love. Now, no C.S.-Lewisite subtleties about "Four loves" - Storge, Philia, Agape, Eros. Just bundle them all together and dig out some quotations about Love.
Obviously Jesus talked a lot about Love, and you can mention this. But don't forget to bring in some more important theologians such as Martin Luther King, and - if you like - Groucho Marx and Tommy Cooper ("Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.")
The ideal preacher, but sadly no longer with us.
After about 5 minutes of LOVE we can move onto another theme. Two ideas in one sermon may seem a little excessive, but let's use FIRE as well. Without fire there would have been no industrial revolution. Without fire, there would have been no cars to bring you to church. Without fire the fire brigade would be unemployed. Keep going.
Somewhere about now you can throw in some Biblical reference. Maybe to Balm in Gilead (also taken up by Edgar Allan Poe in "The Raven"?). Of course this will be over the heads of the non-religious.
When Mr Catholic Voices went a little balmy.
If you have any say in the wedding hymns, you can get them to sing that old Gospel Song "Stan Balmy", which seems to consist of this magic phrase repeated 946 times. This is what we call liturgical coherence.
Oh, slip in a reference to Teilhard de Chardin, even if you do call him "Tired Day Chardan". This will go down well with your celebrity audience, who will mostly think he's a fashion-designer.
Anyway, finish off now. Get back to LOVE, and hope that the happy couple haven't already got tired of each other. Money can't buy me love. Love is a many-splendoured thing. Thirty-love (one for Serena Williams there).... There is power in LOVE, which is why it is like FIRE.
A new palace for the Duke of Sus-sus-sus-sex.
See, easy, wasn't it?
Cute enough to be saved.
It was explained that, whereas Jesus died to save humans from their sins, animals as such do not have a great idea of the difference between Good and Evil, being in that respect something like Members of Parliament or Guardian-readers. For instance, how do you tell the difference between a good crocodile and a bad crocodile when it's biting your leg off? Moreover, it would be inconvenient to have crocodiles wandering round Heaven, even ones equipped with angels' wings.
An optimistic crocodile sings "Amazing Grace".
C.S. Lewis once said that a Heaven for mosquitoes could be combined with a Hell for humans. Nowadays, modern teaching has largely abolished the idea of Hell, and Good and Evil are replaced with Niceness - see the Niceone Creed for details. Nevertheless, being able to decide whether one is saved simply on the basis of one's Cuteness applies only to animals, and not to humans. For example, many of the saints were not at all cute.
John the Baptist - as un-cute as Russell Brand but still saved.
Fr Lombardi added that simply possessing a cute pet was not an automatic guarantee for salvation: the pet itself would have to abandon its owner in the afterlife. Cats, for example, will do this without any scruples.
Only one of these is saved. Can you work out which it is?
According to Biblical teaching, God has decided that sheep are saved, and goats are not; this does indeed follow the principle of "cuteness", as goats are not generally regarded as cute animals. Indeed it is hard to imagine Pope Francis trying to gain credibility by walking around with an unsaved goat round his neck. Q.E.D.
The Pope poses with a saved creature.
With apologies to C.S. Lewis, who else?
I wish Fr Z. would stop saying "Chap with wings there - five rounds rapid!"
Dear Slugknees,
I am writing in answer to your report on the Catholic woman you're looking after. Congratulations, you are really doing a great job of leading her away from the Enemy, and into the hands of Our Master! You mentioned that she is using Twitter: this is an excellent medium by which she can come into contact with our people. The more dangerous Catholics don't seem to have got their act together over there, so they are unlikely to have any effect on her.
"Cute" is not a word we recognise. Kill, kill, kill!
As you know, abortion was one of our great successes. We've persuaded the human race to kill its own kind, while arguing that it was a step forward in women's rights... and they fell for it! And now even some Catholics are buying into our story. I'm a regular subscriber to a magazine that describes itself as "Catholic", while many of its staff advocate the "right to choose" - oh, we haven't had so much fun leading people astray since they closed the concentration camps!
I've noticed that Twitter is full of pro-lifers repeating "I AM PROLIFE!!!!!! RETWEET IF YOU ARE TOO!!!!!" as if this were some sort of key debating point. Naturally, such behaviour simply irritates the more intelligent pro-lifers, and our friends don't even notice it.
Well, I'm so pleased that your woman has joined the "pro-choice" camp - or at least, she is trying to sit on the fence.
Don't worry about the small print - the Devil doesn't buy souls these days.
I gather that your Catholic woman is keen on same-sex "marriage" as well. Politicians, being on the whole self-centred creatures, are naturally allied to our cause, and the rush to legislate SSM is one of those things that's really warmed the heart of our Master (as he warms the hearts - well, bodies - of his human visitors!) With a little help from us, your woman has managed to make contact with a large number of people who define themselves by their sexual desires, without being in the least concerned about it. Of course, for us, same-sex relationships are completely natural, Slugknees, old chap - I gather that you yourself plan to get married to your boyfriend Wormspit next March?
#forgotmytrousersagain
Now, let's take a look at your woman's contributions to Twitter. These really are impressive: she is engaging in obsessive behaviour, has found a good Catholic wife and mother to stalk, harass and insult, and she is causing her a lot of pain. In this she's allied with a gang of atheists and part-time Catholics. The gang is serving us well: for example, some of them write blogs in which they tell everyone how holy they are, and how wonderfully they are serving the Enemy. Of course, they are really serving us, and every lie they tell is an extra victory for our side.
This is the sort of blog we like.
Anyway, keep up the good work: although your woman is self-centred and obsessive, she is totally unaware of that fact, and that's a point we can exploit. It's true that she's not the brightest person on Twitter, and she is easily manipulated, as well as being naturally bossy and bullying. Leading her to Our Master may be rather an easy task! But do be careful, Slugknees, she may make peace with those traditional Catholics she hates so much - the ones who still worry about Good and Evil. She may even start to listen to the teaching of her own Church. If she does that, she could end up being saved, and we will know who to blame, won't we, Slugknees?
Yours infernally,
Spiderspleen.
Oh no! Did you see what X just said on Twitter?
Father Christmas did not fly to Bethlehem in a reindeer-drawn sleigh (the Pope reveals).
The traditional Thought for the Day gospel narrative - which asserts that Father Christmas flew to Bethlehem in a sleigh drawn by reindeer, climbed down the chimney of the stable in which Jesus was lying, and gave Him gifts of gold, frankincense, myrrh, a teddy bear, and a train set - is revealed to be in error.
It is also explained that Jesus was not born on 25th December 0 A.D. (or 0 B.C., to add to the confusion), because the year 0 never existed, and anyway Jesus was a Leo and not a Capricorn - a fact known to professors of astrology for many years, and explained in the books of C.S. Lewis. However, a fragment of the Gospel of Isaiah, beginning: "Leo: I've already explained the main points, but beware a tall dark stranger called Judas" is believed to be a forgery.
Mince pies - not the Messiah's favourite food after all?
Another shocking revelation from Pope Benedict is that Jesus was not particularly fond of mince pies, and, as a new-born baby, he was not eating solid food anyway. Moreover, kosher mince pies would have sold out in the Bethlehem shops by Christmas, and the supermarkets would have already been stocking Easter eggs - a custom persisting to this day, in fact.
The tradition of slumping in front of the television at Christmas to watch the 200th re-run of an old film is also claimed to be non-Biblical. The Holy Family did in fact possess a television set (donated by the wise men who came from the East), but the reception in Bethlehem was very poor, and the Holy Family were too busy entertaining visiting angels, shepherds, wise men, and drunks who had come to the wrong door of the inn, to watch television.
The Railway Children - perhaps Joseph video-recorded this film for later?
Finally, Pope Benedict claims that, contrary to tradition, there were no oxen, donkeys, possums, llamas, gorillas or hippopotamuses present at Jesus's birth. "Some scholars think that Joseph may have had a pet hamster called Justin," he writes, "but even this was disputed by St Augustine."
No room for Nellie at the inn.
Critical reaction to Pope Benedict's book from outside the Catholic Church has been fairly predictable. Professor Richard Dawkins commented "I haven't read it, but it's vile. So's the Pope. So are all Catholics. Aaaaggggh!" and "Father" Giles Fraser said "This book would make me ashamed to be a Christian, if I were one."
One reason I became a Christian, at the age of 36, was the writings of C.S. Lewis. I was reading this very exciting story about a lion, a witch and a wardrobe, and it was explained to me that Aslan was just another name for God. Since I adore big cats, I knew that a religion which worshipped a lion was just the one for me.
Aslan. The Bible says that Jesus was incarnated as a lion.
Nowadays, I think the churches have lost their way. They are trying to give a moral lead, and to obstruct policies agreed by democratically-elected politicians. They hardly ever sit down to any serious lion-worshipping.
However, now that a new Archbishop of Canterbury is to be appointed, it is a great opportunity for all the churches to get back to basics. Here are my plans for the Church of England: I am sure that the Catholics, the Muslims, and the Jews (etc.) will immediately follow suit. After all, as far as I can tell, they all believe roughly the same things.
Sell off the churches for affordable starter homes and all-night supermarkets. This is what the country needs now, not a building for people to gather in and think subversive thoughts.
St Paul's - would be much more useful as another branch of Tesco's.
A total reorganization of church services. My researches have shown that priests are unnecessary, since it does not require special training for someone to read out a few prayers. Moreover, churches should be a forum for discussion, taking the House of Commons as a model.
The liturgy should be amended according to the needs of the day. For example, the words Gloria in Excelsis Deo or "Glory to God in the Highest" should be a motion for debate, and not to be taken for granted. In a pilot scheme, we found that a focus group preferred to amend this to Habe bonum diem, Deus or "Have a nice day, God," a motion which was then passed by a two-thirds majority.
A lion, possibly Aslan, having a nice day.
Don't try and give a moral lead. Luckily, the main Christian churches have more-or-less dropped the idea of making moral judgements, but a few rogue bishops and archbishops will insist on talking about sex. I have read "The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe," and I can assure you that Aslan never talks about sex.
The more libertarian approach adopted by the BBC seems to work very well. There's this chap called Savile who's been in the news recently: I haven't kept up with the full story here, but all I'm saying is, why can't the churches follow his example and stop treating sexual activity as something that should only take place in private?
Confession. Once the government has been allowed to take over the churches, Confession will operate as it does in police stations - a priest with a truncheon will hit the penitent sinner until he or she confesses their sins.
A really interesting Confession, requiring four priests for Absolution.
Vestments. Again, these are unnecessary in the modern era. The churches should take their lead from politicians, and dress simply.
"Here comes the bride," a humble politician in simple dress.
I trust that my words of advice will be taken up by the people in authority. Times are changing, and the churches need to change too, or they will become places where only the religious-minded will feel at home. Next week, I'll be giving more details of my plans to make divine worship conform to a proper business model.
Inside a mosque. But wouldn't it be more businesslike with computers, filing cabinets, and proper office furniture?
