How Eccles became a devout Catholic

After watching events on the other side of the Atlantic, I decided that it was time to look more holy. Obviously, being a devout Catholic is all a matter of public image, and has nothing to do with what you actually do. But some people don't realise this, so I got myself a Press Secretary.

Jenny Psarkasm, my press secretary.

Jenny's job is to tell the neighbours how devout I am. For example, I go to Mass sometimes; indeed, I have my own reserved pew, complete with cushions, a supply of gin, and other aids to sleeping. Also, I go to Mass sometimes. I don't actually believe any of that Catholic stuff, but - did I tell you? - I go to Mass sometimes.

It's true that I do like conducting human sacrifices in my garden, and some of the neighbours have objected to that. However, Jenny reminds them that I am a devout Catholic, and this smooths over any difficulties. By the way, I go to Mass sometimes.

Uncle Wilt says I am a great guy who would never think of posing outside a church with a Bible, like that wicked Mr Trump who used to own our house. In fact I do own a Bible - made by a company called Douay and Rheims - although I haven't got round to opening it yet!

My Bible is wrapped in polythene, so that it doesn't burn my hands.

Anyway, I hope that reassures you that I am a devout Catholic. For further testimonials, ask Fr Jimbo, our local LGBT representative; or Poor Hoho, a local schoolteacher; or else Professor Beans from the College of Leguminous Catholicism, who has even written a book about me, "Eccles, the devout Catholic"!

By the way, my memory isn't all that good. Did I mention that I go to - you know - Thing, sometimes?

How to translate the Mass

The story so far: at the time of Vatican II, it was decided to rush out translations of the Mass into the vernacular. Not the true vernacular, as phrases such as "Cor, strike a light, guv", "Eee ba gum", and "Och aye the noo" were used very sparingly; but a sort of casual and imprecise vernacular, all the same.

Now, when I say translation, I really mean "variation on an original theme". The people translating the Mass didn't even have the benefit of Google translate, so they had to guess what the Latin words meant. Actually Google itself seems to have been got at, as it turns the Latin Gloria into:

Glory to God in the highest
and on earth peace, goodwill toward men.
We praise you,
thank you,
we adore you,
we glorify you,
Thank you for your glory;
Lord God, heavenly King
Father Almighty.

Which looks distinctly wonky.

"Do any of you speak Vernacular?"

Anyway, for about 40 years, people muddled on with a B-grade translation, not quite sure whether the peace on Earth was intended for everyone, or just people of goodwill, or those whom God loves. There is also this problem about whether the Precious Blood is shed for many, for all, or just me and my mates.

So, in 2011, an English translation was produced, and it caused hysterics among liberal Catholics. For example, the precise theological concept "consubstantial" had previously been vernacularised into "of one being", or "being of one oneness", or possibly "one of one beingness", or maybe "being of one beingness". Whatever it was, it was a waffly as possible. The new translation made worshippers use a 4-syllable word which required thinking about... my dear, it was awful!

"I've added some cartoons to make it more popular."

The French and Italians wanted to go their own way. "Lead us not into temptation" appears to be what Jesus said. But we can improve on that. "Zut alors, ne nous laisse pas entrer en tentation parce-que la plume de ma tante est dans le jardin" seems to be the version currently used by the frogs, although I may not have got that quite right. The Italian version is full of Mama Mias and references to tutti-frutti ice-cream but they also don't want to be allowed to enter into temptation.

Anyway, the good news is that Pope Francis is going to take a lead on this. The Lord's Prayer, in particular, needs updating. Apart from local variations it has remained unchanged for 2000 years, and omits to mention climate change, equality and diversity, and vaccinations. A theological commitee - consisting of the Pope, Bill Gates, George Soros, Klaus Schwab, Joe Biden, Alyssa Milano, and Ocasio-Cortez - will be rushing out a new Lord's Prayer (not tested on humans, but many hamsters have reacted favourably to it). This will become compulsory in 2021.

Experts prepare a new version of the Latin Mass.

Get your black market tickets for Mass!

In England and Wales, we can all go to Mass again on Sunday 5th July, BUT we are limited by social distancing to about 1/6 of our normal attendance. Some churches will ask you to book in advance to get a ticket, and you may have missed out.

£100 squire, or you'll have to watch Fr Phil on television!

However, as a service to worshippers, we are offering black market tickets to those who couldn't get them. Since the alternative is to queue for standing tickets, starting at 4 a.m., you know it makes sense to support Eccles Ticket Touts Eccles Worship Services.

• £100 buys you a good seat in St Daryl the Apostate's, or £50 if you'll settle for a seat behind a pillar. Specially sterilized cushion included.
• For £200 we lend you some vestments and you can sit in the chancel.
• For £500 we lend you a mitre and crozier and you can sit on the bishop's throne in our local cathedral!

Only £200, and I get to preach the homily as well!

We are negotiating with the Vatican for the loan of white papal robes, so that you can have the best seat of all, with the option of doing your own sermon. Warning: this will need to be vetted by us beforehand, to make sure that only insults, ambiguous statements, and incomprehensible remarks are used. We don't want to make it too obvious that there is a cuckoo in the chair of St Peter!

A Protestant asks for some wine

Following the recent incident in which a customer of Hawksmoor Manchester was accidentally served a bottle of Château le Pin Pomerol 2001 (priced at £4,500) rather than the cheaper (£260) wine they had ordered, we have news of an even greater surprise.

Mr Luther Tudor, a devout "Easter worshipper", accidentally wandered into a Catholic church for Mass, rather than the Protestant Eucharist that he was expecting. After receiving Communion he was startled to be told that he had actually received the Precious Blood of Christ (beyond price), rather than the Plonque de Welby (£2.99 a bottle) that he had expected to drink.

"I know that the Rev. Doris always says something like 'The Blood of Christ' when we go for our Lord's Supper," explained Mr Tudor, "but we accept that this is just a metaphorical thing, like most of Jesus's teaching."

Mr Tudor was asked why he did not guess that he was in a Catholic Church when he heard the prayer for Pope Francis. He explained that, since this was followed with general sighs and face-palming, he had naturally assumed that he was in an extreme Protestant church, possibly Presbyterian.

"That's funny: nobody likes me, either."

Liturgical dancing - the only way to worship

Advent is here, and many readers have asked me, "How can I brighten my services with a little liturgical dancing? The traditional litany of the Mass is so predictable, with its obsessive focus on God, and my congregation is crying out for novelty and entertainment."

So we have got together with some of the greatest liturgical experts of our time, to present a new translation of the Mass that can be (and should be) danced to. Out go the ancient Latin texts, and in come Spirit-of-Vatican-II dances from the period with which our experts are most familiar, from the 1940s to the 1970s!

KYRIE (arr. P. Inwood)

One, Two, Three O'clock, Four O'clock rock,
Five, Six, Seven O'clock, Eight O'clock rock.
Nine, Ten, Eleven O'clock, Twelve O'clock rock,
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight.

Dr Eccles, the Regius Professor of Liturgy at Oxford, explains: England's "Mr Liturgy" has chosen to replace the boring "Kyrie Eleison" stuff with a more rhythmic version, which marks the passage of the hours, while at the same time bringing us meekly to our Maker. It states our devout intentions for the Mass: "O Lord, we shall rock around the clock tonight."

GLORIA (arr. B. Farrell)

You put your left arm in,
Your left arm out.
In, out, in, out,
You shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around,
That's what it's all about!

Eccles: Bernie knows that all forms of worship are equally valid, even ones that don't have much to do with God, and so she has chosen to glorify the Lord by saying, in effect, "God created us to dance, and, when you get down to basics, that's what Christianity is all about."

CREDO (arr. D. Schutte)

Oh baby.
Yeah come on shake!
Oh, it's in the bag,
The hippy hippy shake!
Well now you shake it to the left,
Shake it to the right,
Do the hippy shake, shake,
With all your might!

Eccles: A powerful affirmation of faith from Dan Schutte, there. "Oh, it's in the bag," is a very concise summary of God's purpose in the world, I feel. "Do the hippy shake, shake, With all your might!" is certainly telling the world in no uncertain terms that we are backing God!

SANCTUS (arr. K. Mayhew)

Well, shake it up, baby, now (Shake it up, baby)!
Twist and shout (Twist and shout)!
C'mon c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby, now (Come on baby)!
Come on and work it on out (Work it on out)!

Eccles: A new take on the boring old "Holy, holy, holy" routine that drives so many people away. Kevin tells us to shake our bits to the Lord, and show Him we're gonna work it on out! This is just what we have come to expect from a man of sincere and deeply-held faith.

BENEDICTUS (arr. G. Kendrick)

You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen.
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine!
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life,
See that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen!

Eccles: Well, "Blessed is He who comes in the Name of the Lord" is very old-fashioned, and Graham has recognised that we may want to celebrate other blessed people, perhaps ones with a greater tendency to dance!

AGNUS DEI (arr. E. White)

Hands, knees, and boomps-a-daisy! I like a bustle that bends.
Hands, knees, and boomps-a-daisy! What is a boomp between 
   friends?
Hands, knees, oh, don't be lazy. Let's make the party a wow.
Now then, hands, knees, and boomps-a-daisy! Turn to your 
   partner and bow. Bow-wow!

Eccles: Estelle has gone for a more traditionalist liturgical dance, one in which physical contact is encouraged! "What is a boomp between friends?" we ask ourselves, and this is follows on naturally from the "Boomp of Peace" that many go-ahead parishes have introduced recently.

Harriet Harman linked to sinister organization

MP Harriet Harman was under increasing pressure today to grovel on the floor and apologise, after six days of uncomfortable questions about claims in the Daily Mail that she had had links with the Labour Party since the 1970s.

An incriminating photo from the 1980s.

The Labour Party, although currently very much a secret organization - so secret that nobody can remember the name of its leader - has in past times been very influential as a pressure group. It is said that Harriet Harman is still a member of a "shadowy cabinet" consisting of Labour Party members.

A nightmarish sigil used by "LP" members.

In fact, although the Daily Mail has made much of Harriet Harman's alleged connections in the last week, this is scarcely news to experienced Harman-watchers. For example the satirical magazine Private Eye has long claimed that Harman was associated with a man known only as "Gordon" who disappeared mysteriously in May 2010. Another person who has not hesitated to expose the sordid facts about Harman is Damian Thompson of the Telegraph: in a hard-hitting article "How Hattie’s friends defended socialism" he also revealed that MP Michael Fabricant has a bad hairstyle (I'm not making this bit up).

The man with pre-fabricated hair.

The LP, as it is known, has been associated with many dubious activities; for example, it was at one time led by a mysterious "Tony", who invaded Iraq looking for "weapons of Mass Destruction" - ironically, since he later took refuge in the Catholic church, where Mass destruction has been taking place for many years. The LP is seen by many as a severe threat to children, having permitted numerous deaths by abortion and the closure of adoption agencies. More recently, most of its members have enthusiastically embraced the destruction of traditional marriage and family life.

Leo XIII - a leftie pope, but he would be horrified by Harriet Harman.

It is clear that this scandal is not going to go away, and, until Harriet Harman apologises for her links with the LP - which, after all, might be seen as a simple error of judgement - she is going to be under increasing pressure to quit.

A guide to the Novus Ordo 1

This should really be written in Latin, so that as many people as possible will understand it, but since my blog is mostly in English, I shall use that.

Most of you will be used to a traditional Latin Mass (some, indeed, swear by the Sarum Rite and find the Tridentine chaps a little too modern), so the idea is to let you know what to expect if you stumble into a NO Mass by mistake.

Men do it too... prepare for the Mass by catching up on your gossip.

Now, when you go into church for an EF Mass, you expect the congregation to be praying reverently, in total silence. For a NO Mass, the liturgy says that you should gossip with your neighbour until the priest arrives (which is sometimes as part of an impressive procession, involving deacons, altar servers, liturgical dancers, late-comers, people wanting their farm animals blessed, and so forth).

Sorry, Father, I couldn't get a babysitter.

Now, what should you gossip about? The Missal is somewhat vague on this point, but here are some good opening lines:

1. I'm going to be taken off the sex-offenders register next week, 
you know.
2. Ugh, you sneezed! Have you got some loathsome disease?
3. I heard that the deacon called you a skonk. What's a skonk?
4. Warm today, isn't it? But then it was cold yesterday. 
I blame that carbon dioxide stuff. Have you got any in your garden?
5. Oh, is that a baby you're holding? I was going to give it 
some peanuts.
6. Let me finish this cheeseburger, and then we can have a 
good natter.

Excitement mounts as the priest leaves the vestry.

Well, in the NO it is quite usual to start with a hymn. Nothing written before 1965 is acceptable, but Shine, shine in the Light, or I the Lord of Kum Bah will do nicely. Then the singing stops, the altar-servers pick their noses (boys) or do their make-up (girls), and the priest is ready to speak!

Kaixo eta ongietorri gure Igande goizean meza!

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the Mass will be in the local tongue of the people (in this case, Basque). If you are lucky, the Missal will contain a parallel translation into Latin, but don't count on it.

Je ne regrette rien - the French version of the Act of Penitence.

Well, in the second instalment, we'll explain how to get through the bit that many people avoid by coming in late - the bit where we admit that we might possibly have sinned. Not seriously, of course. No worse than that horrible woman two rows in front. But a little bit. Maybe.

Continued in Part 2.