The Book of St Richard, Chapter 31

Continued from Chapter 30.

1. It came to pass, the following Easter, that strange events took place in the mighty city of Lon-don, of which the mayor was Genghis Khan, a fierce Muslim warrior.

2. For the people were ordered to ignore the holy events of Lent and Easter, but to celebrate Ramadan, a month in which the Muslims fasted in the daytime and ate all night long.

3. Unlike other people, who fasted at night and ate in the daytime.

The mighty city celebrates Easter.

4. And Richard spake out, saying, "I was horrified to see this. For I am a cultural Christian, who likes hymns and carols. Also, I like cathedrals and churches."

5. For Richard had not heard the worst hymns such as "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine, Jesus, Shine", nor had he visited the cathedral of Clif-ton.

Nor had Richard seen this statue of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

6. Richard went on to explain that he enjoyed hot cross buns, Easter eggs, and sweet little bunnies (cooked in a red wine sauce).

7. However, although the Islamic faith also had its beautiful mosques, its great hymns such as "Shine, Mohammed, Shine" and delicacies such as hot crescent buns and sheep's eyes, Richard could not be a cultural Muslim.

8. For (he said) the religion of Christ was fundamentally decent, whereas the other one was fundamentally indecent.

Richard is obliged to disguise himself when he attends Mass.

9. For was not Islam hostile to women and to those men who chose to lie with other men?

10. Where were the female Imams shrieking "Wakey-wakey! Put your food away! Allah is great!" from high towers at the crack of dawn?

11. And where were the LGBTQ+ Mohammedits writing trashy books about "Building a Bridge"?

12. No, Richard could not say that he was a cultural Muslim.

"All Glory, Laud and Honour to Thee, Redeemer, King. Culturally speaking, of course."

13. "BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH," insisted Richard.

14. Which was perhaps a slight exaggeration, as Richard had never been known to murder or steal. Not even culturally.

Continued in Chapter 32.

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

Are you a cultural Christian?

It's a funny thing, Christianity, isn't it? Many people would say it was something to do with belief in Jesus as the Son of God, who died for our sins and rose again (and there's a whole lot more, on which there is not always universal agreement). But some people call themselves Cultural Christians, so what's that all about, eh?

Culture for Christians (and others).

Here are some test questions to help you decide whether you are Christian, a cultural Christian, or something else entirely.

1. How often do you go to church?
(a) Once a week, maybe more.
(b) Just for christenings, weddings and funerals. But I stand 
there looking superior, and don't join in any of the hymns.
(c) Never. It's a sexist misogynist relic of the dark ages.

And what do YOU do, Mr Welby?

2. How do you celebrate Christmas?
(a) I go to church a lot.
(b) I buy hot cross buns and easter eggs, which for some 
reason are in the shops at that time.
(c) I call it Yule or Winterval and dance naked in the snow. 

It's a pure coincidence that I have a tree in my living-room.

3. What do you think of the Bible?
(a) A book of inspired religious writing.
(b) It was compiled by bronze-age goatherds, who couldn't 
read or write, but it has some memorable quotations in it.
(c) Nasty, homophobic, vicious. I prefer to curl up with 
Bertrand Russell.

"Nowadays we realise that the Bible was written by bigots."

4. How do science and religion fit together?
(a) Pretty well, really: many of our greatest scientists 
have been religious.
(b) Scientists were forced to be religious, and the best 
ones knew it was all a pretence.
(c) All science produced by religious people is suspect.

Newton (being religious) made an error in his theory of gravitation.

5. Why are you reading this blog?
(a) For spiritual nourishment.
(b) It is part of our Christian heritage, even if it is a 
blog full of vicious lies.
(c) I'm not. No way. Give me Das Kapital any day.

When I hear the phrase "Cultural Christian," I reach for my Zuhlsdorf.

If you replied mostly (a), then you are probably some sort of Christian (but not Giles Fraser). If (b), then you are a cultural Christian, and will no doubt spend much of your time insulting real Christians. If (c), then you may be trying a little too hard, Giles.