The Catholic Education Service gives advice to St Custard's

Yes, it is me e.g. nigel molesworth the curse of st custard's which have now become a cathlic skool cheers cheers. We are now seeing a few changes, as mr braber of the cathlic educashun service hav sent headmaster GRIMES some giudlines on bullyin wot was written by STONEWAIL and the aqueerness centre chiz chiz.

nigel, I want you to pay attenshun to the giudlines chiz.

It seme that ordinarry bullyin e.g. tuoghin up the new bugs behind the bike sheds is still all right. Pater say that havvin his head stuck down the tiolet every day made him the man he is now, and I can beleive that. No, the thing to aviod is HOMERPHOBBIC bullyin or HATE CRIM. Apparently it is all right if poeple like stephen frye hate cathlics but if we protest about the gay maffia it is hate crim.

Mr zullsdorf the lattin teecher make hillarious joke e.g. molesworth it is lucky we dont do GREKE as you would be homerphobbic as well as vurgilphobbic plinnyphobbic ceasarphobbic and all the other lattin wedes ha ha. But in fact we gotta take these giudlines very serouisly, as I will explane my deres.

this is my bro, molesworth 2, doin some homerphobbic bullyin.

As is well known my horibble bruvver molesworth 2 like to play fairy bells on the skool paino, until skool dog go mad and bite father rossica the chaplin as he sit in his room droolin over the tabblet. Now mr braber's giudlines say that the word FAIRY is homerphobbic, and so moleworth 2 is asked to play something more senssitive e.g. ELTON JHON's song that he sing to his kids, where's your muvver gone crappy crappy cheap cheap.

Next, my grate frend peason got six of the best from grimes for saying that my traners were a bit gay, for that is also an example of homerphobbic bullyin as any fule kno.

a wet and a wede.

But wot you may ask of fotherington tomas who say hullo clouds hullo sky and is the biggest sissy in the skool? It turn out that he is alreddy married with five kids, which is pretty good for an 11-year old, so we can pass over this hastily, it remind me of the time that armand MACCRON the french exchange boy ran off with prudence entwistle the undermatron and I think he is now doin quite well in french politicks.

Well I can see that we at st custards are goin to have to work hard to obey mr braber's giudlines. We are bein specially tollerant right now as sigismund the mad maths master have decided he want to TRANSISHUN and become a gurl and we should now refer to him as brunnhilde he is goin to dress up as a VALCURRY and hit poeple wih an axe so no change there.

sigismund, or rather brunnhilde chiz chiz.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 17

Continued from Chapter 16

1. So the year of Our Lord two thousand and thirteen arrived, and Richard said unto himself, "What deranged things can I do now?"

2. For he was a man of great years and great wealth, but he was bored.

3. He said unto himself, "I have attacked the Catholics, but they laugh at me. Yeah, and they write books such as The Dawkins Delusion, and The Blind Dawkins, yeah, and even The Selfish Dawkins, which mock me."

4. Thus he resolved to attack the Muslims as well. Which was actually rather courageous, because the Muslim turneth not the other cheek as a rule. Indeed in some cases his wrath waxeth exceeding hot.

A humble Muslim bringeth gifts to Richard Dawkins.

5. So Dawkins spake loudly on the Twitter, which hath the advantage that it may be used from a bunker deep underground, and condemned the Muslims.

6. For forty days and forty nights he condemned them and insulted them. Until people said, "If Richard hateth Islam so, then perhaps there's something to be said for it after all?"

7. And there was a man named Meh-di Ha-san, of the hosts of Puff-ing-ton, who was himself a Muslim.

8. So Richard cried out, saying "Let him not speak! For he believeth in wing-ed horses."

Cry "Mehdi! Mehdi!" and this horse will come and rescue you.

9. But the disciples of Richard cried "Shame! Shame! After all, it is only the New Statesman, which no man readeth anyway."

10. And some men began to question whether Richard was really infallible, as they had always believed.

11. After this setback, Richard was sore distressed, but his heart was uplifted when a prestigious magazine, the Beano, named him as the world's top thinker.

12. To which Richard responded with eloquence, saying, "D'oh..."

The runner up in the "top thinker" poll.

13. For, as it is written in the book of Eccles-iastes, the race is not to the swift, nor even to the clever, but simply to the one with the greatest publicity machine and his own sycophantic website.

14. For otherwise, one might have given the prize to one of many Nobel prize winners, or Fields medallists, or distinguished writers and scholars.

15. Why, they might have given it even to Joseph Ratzinger, he that is called Pope Emeritus.

Richard "Thinker" Dawkins realises that he's forgotten to put any clothes on.

16. And Richard rejoiced exceedingly, saying "The Beano hath spoken. I am indeed the greatest thinker of our time, greater even than Stephen Fry, or Joan Bakewell, or Melvyn Bragg."

17. "What is more, I am modest as well; for when a man praiseth me, I publish his words on my website, and on Twitter, and on a big notice-board outside my house in Oxford. But otherwise I hold my peace."

Continued in Chapter 18.

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The Book of St Richard started here.