The Book of Covidicus 14: the Road Map

Continued from Chapter 13.

1. Over the next month, the children of Bri-tain were mightily vaxed, some with the AstroLogica vixen, and some with the Pfizicians' vixen.

2. And much was the dispute over which vixen (if either) was safe.

3. In the end it was agreed that both vixens were dangerous for anyone over the age of two score and ten years or under the age of three score years. So all men were equally content.

A new hope.

4. Then Bo-sis thought deeply and came up with a "Smashing Wheeze, Chaps!" However, his advisers counselled him to give it another name, and so he called it a "Road Map".

5. For it was a brilliant plan, by which the children of Bri-tain could be led from the swamps of Covid into the promised land of milk and honey (beer and crisps would also be available).

6. So as springtime arrived, the people rejoiced, for they were now permitted to sit in each other's gardens and watch the rain fall.

"Alas, your Majesty, only six people may attend your garden party."

7. But woe betide them if they entered the houses of their friends: for if they did they would be cast into the deepest dungeons.

8. Moreover, they were not permitted to flee the country, even to return to the land of EU-gypt: for the only people who could come to Britain must travel in the boats of rubber in order to seek refuge from the evil tyrants of EU-gypt, Ursula of Lebanon and Emmanuel Macrabaeus of the Frenchites.

9. So the children of Bri-tain, who wished above all to go to the houses that were called public, studied the Road Map of Bo-sis to see what new liberties would be granted to them.

10. And they rejoiced to see that soon they would be allowed to have their hair cut, to buy non-essential goods such as clothes, and to hold lavish weddings with fifteen guests.

11. Indeed, for many months the children of Bri-tain had grown their hair, dressed in rags, and remained unwed. So that in fact most of the people now resembled Bo-sis himself.

"My brother Bo-sis is an hairy man. And now I am an hairy man too."

Continued in Chapter 15.

The book of Covidicus, Chapter 13: the AstroLogica Vixen

Continued from Chapter 12

1. It had been decided that all the world should be Vaxed, and the wise men produced a vixen to protect the people from the plague.

2. Nobody was sure what it did until they consulted the stars, so they named it the AstroLogica vixen.

3. Now Bo-sis and his servant Matthew of Hanoch had already ordered large numbers of the AstroLogica vixen, but their neighbour in EUgypt, the Pharaoh Ursula of Lebanon, had not ordered hers in a timely fashion.

The parable of the foolish vixens.

4. So she said unto the astrologers, "Give me of your vixen, which we did not order!" But the astrologers knew of the parable of the Foolish Vixens, and refused to give of their vixen.

5. And Macrabaeus of the Frenchites, he that was called Emmanuel, spake out, saying "In sooth, the vixen does not work! It is essential that ye give it to us!"

6. Meanwhile, the plague continued to rage, and the people were still locked down.

7. But many people came into Bri-tain from distant parts, where the plague raged even fiercer.

8. These included the kingdoms of Sheba, of Ethiopia, of Mesopotamia, and even the lands previously undiscovered, such as the most distant parts of Africa.

9. Also, one that was called Eswatini, which was clearly an invented name.

10. So Bo-sis spake out, saying "Let us welcome all those who come from the three-and-thirty lands where the plague rageth, and let us lock them up for ten days in the mighty tower that is called Fawlty.

11. There my servants Basil, Sybil, Polly and Manuel will care for them." And it was so.

St Basil healeth the wounded chariot.

12. But the children of Bri-tain continued to rage against the lockdown, and so Bo-sis consulted the wise men of the land, who came up with an answer.

13. "We shall open the houses that are called public: but the people shall not be permitted to look on the wine when it is red, nor the ale when it is brown, nor even the gin that is a snare.

14. Likewise the hostels known as chippy, where the lover of good food eateth: they shall remain open, but they shall not be permitted to serve food.

15. The temples in which dwell the doctors of medicine shall remain open: but only those who are fit and well may visit.

16. Likewise, the dental surgeons shall only be allowed to remove the teeth that are healthy.

A servant civilly maintaineth the distancing that is social.

17. Finally, the mighty offices where dwell the servants that are civil shall be open: but these servants shall not work.

18. So no change there."

Continued in Chapter 14.

The Catholic Education Service gives advice to St Custard's

Yes, it is me e.g. nigel molesworth the curse of st custard's which have now become a cathlic skool cheers cheers. We are now seeing a few changes, as mr braber of the cathlic educashun service hav sent headmaster GRIMES some giudlines on bullyin wot was written by STONEWAIL and the aqueerness centre chiz chiz.

nigel, I want you to pay attenshun to the giudlines chiz.

It seme that ordinarry bullyin e.g. tuoghin up the new bugs behind the bike sheds is still all right. Pater say that havvin his head stuck down the tiolet every day made him the man he is now, and I can beleive that. No, the thing to aviod is HOMERPHOBBIC bullyin or HATE CRIM. Apparently it is all right if poeple like stephen frye hate cathlics but if we protest about the gay maffia it is hate crim.

Mr zullsdorf the lattin teecher make hillarious joke e.g. molesworth it is lucky we dont do GREKE as you would be homerphobbic as well as vurgilphobbic plinnyphobbic ceasarphobbic and all the other lattin wedes ha ha. But in fact we gotta take these giudlines very serouisly, as I will explane my deres.

this is my bro, molesworth 2, doin some homerphobbic bullyin.

As is well known my horibble bruvver molesworth 2 like to play fairy bells on the skool paino, until skool dog go mad and bite father rossica the chaplin as he sit in his room droolin over the tabblet. Now mr braber's giudlines say that the word FAIRY is homerphobbic, and so moleworth 2 is asked to play something more senssitive e.g. ELTON JHON's song that he sing to his kids, where's your muvver gone crappy crappy cheap cheap.

Next, my grate frend peason got six of the best from grimes for saying that my traners were a bit gay, for that is also an example of homerphobbic bullyin as any fule kno.

a wet and a wede.

But wot you may ask of fotherington tomas who say hullo clouds hullo sky and is the biggest sissy in the skool? It turn out that he is alreddy married with five kids, which is pretty good for an 11-year old, so we can pass over this hastily, it remind me of the time that armand MACCRON the french exchange boy ran off with prudence entwistle the undermatron and I think he is now doin quite well in french politicks.

Well I can see that we at st custards are goin to have to work hard to obey mr braber's giudlines. We are bein specially tollerant right now as sigismund the mad maths master have decided he want to TRANSISHUN and become a gurl and we should now refer to him as brunnhilde he is goin to dress up as a VALCURRY and hit poeple wih an axe so no change there.

sigismund, or rather brunnhilde chiz chiz.