Pope Francis goes on the attack

Pope Francis has finally decided to clamp down on undesirable conduct in the Catholic Church.

That's telling them!

When asked to give more details of the sort of bullying he was referring to, the Holy Father mentioned the case of an unnamed senior archbishop who was trying to stop Catholics from celebrating the traditional Latin Mass. "The fat pasta-filled buffoon is telling bishops to restrict the TLM and drive it underground," he growled. "I can't imagine where he got the idea!"

But it is not just bullying that Pope Francis objects to. "I am shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, to learn that idolatry has been taking place in Rome itself!" he went on. "Some very foolish people have been worshipping the demon Pachamama (some even claimed that she was just another manifestation of the Blessed Virgin Mary!) If I find the people responsible, they'll end up in the Tiber!"

Roundly condemned by Pope Francis.

"I am also disgusted when I hear what is happening in China," he continued. "Some idiot came to an agreement that the Chinese could appoint their own bishops and persecute Catholic priests. Then when Cardinal Zen came to discuss the situation, he refused even to see him! What does he think he's playing at?"

"I saw reports that someone had slapped a poor Chinese woman who simply wanted to talk to me! This violence against women must cease!" he thundered. "All in all, the general administration of the Vatican is a DISGRACE. German synodal paths! Financial scandals! Toleration of the gay Mafia! Bullying the Order of Malta! It has got to STOP, do you hear?"

"All sorts of undesirables think they can get in to see me!"

But all is not lost. Pope Francis has promised to institute a full enquiry into the shocking state of the Vatican hierarchy, with a reporting date not later than 2062.

The Catholic Education Service gives advice to St Custard's

Yes, it is me e.g. nigel molesworth the curse of st custard's which have now become a cathlic skool cheers cheers. We are now seeing a few changes, as mr braber of the cathlic educashun service hav sent headmaster GRIMES some giudlines on bullyin wot was written by STONEWAIL and the aqueerness centre chiz chiz.

nigel, I want you to pay attenshun to the giudlines chiz.

It seme that ordinarry bullyin e.g. tuoghin up the new bugs behind the bike sheds is still all right. Pater say that havvin his head stuck down the tiolet every day made him the man he is now, and I can beleive that. No, the thing to aviod is HOMERPHOBBIC bullyin or HATE CRIM. Apparently it is all right if poeple like stephen frye hate cathlics but if we protest about the gay maffia it is hate crim.

Mr zullsdorf the lattin teecher make hillarious joke e.g. molesworth it is lucky we dont do GREKE as you would be homerphobbic as well as vurgilphobbic plinnyphobbic ceasarphobbic and all the other lattin wedes ha ha. But in fact we gotta take these giudlines very serouisly, as I will explane my deres.

this is my bro, molesworth 2, doin some homerphobbic bullyin.

As is well known my horibble bruvver molesworth 2 like to play fairy bells on the skool paino, until skool dog go mad and bite father rossica the chaplin as he sit in his room droolin over the tabblet. Now mr braber's giudlines say that the word FAIRY is homerphobbic, and so moleworth 2 is asked to play something more senssitive e.g. ELTON JHON's song that he sing to his kids, where's your muvver gone crappy crappy cheap cheap.

Next, my grate frend peason got six of the best from grimes for saying that my traners were a bit gay, for that is also an example of homerphobbic bullyin as any fule kno.

a wet and a wede.

But wot you may ask of fotherington tomas who say hullo clouds hullo sky and is the biggest sissy in the skool? It turn out that he is alreddy married with five kids, which is pretty good for an 11-year old, so we can pass over this hastily, it remind me of the time that armand MACCRON the french exchange boy ran off with prudence entwistle the undermatron and I think he is now doin quite well in french politicks.

Well I can see that we at st custards are goin to have to work hard to obey mr braber's giudlines. We are bein specially tollerant right now as sigismund the mad maths master have decided he want to TRANSISHUN and become a gurl and we should now refer to him as brunnhilde he is goin to dress up as a VALCURRY and hit poeple wih an axe so no change there.

sigismund, or rather brunnhilde chiz chiz.

Stonewall visits a Catholic School

And now over to St Mary's School, where Fred Flintstone of Stonewall, the organization which knows all about bullying Catholics, has come to explain bullying.

Fred Flintstone knows all about bullying.

Now, Kristin, I understand that you are a victim of homophobic hate-crime, because Tony said your shoes were "gay"?

A "gay" shoe. Note how Kristin hides her face in embarrassment.

Yes, Fred. It's a real problem for me: my shoe would be happiest if paired with another left-foot shoe, but I am forced to match it with a right-foot shoe.

And what would happen if you bought another left-foot shoe?

Well, I tried that, but it didn't fit, and I kept falling over.

Problems in the 100 metres event for people with two left-foot shoes.

Well, this is a typical case. Now, children, there is one way to deal with anyone who expresses a different opinion to you. Do you know what it is? Yes, Eric?

BIGOT! BIGOT! BIGOT!

Well done, Eric. If you scream "Bigot!" this shuts down all further debate, and you don't need to come up with any other arguments. Now, I want as many of you as possible to grow up as Catholics in happy same-sex relationships, so we're going to show you how much fun that can be.

A happy couple from Stonewall

You see, when two men love each other, what they do is they go out into the countryside and build a stone wall together. Well, I'll be telling the over-9s a little bit more about this later - for example, how to place your stones together in an intimate conjunction - but that will do for now. If you have any further questions, do ask your local archbishop.

Archbishop Peter Smith demonstrates an essential piece of stone-walling equipment.