Banning the burkini

Over now to France, where Nice, Cannes and other resorts have struck a blow for secularism by banning the burkini. As Inspecteur Clouseau of the elite Corps de Plage squad explained; "We totally reject ze Islamic idea zat a woman should be told precisely what to wear, so we are making sure zat women in France are told precisely what to wear. Aaaggh, Cato, get off, you imbecile!"

Ooh, Laa Laa! Four dangerous criminals defy the ban.

In fact, it is common on the French Riviera for women to sunbathe topless, although this is not yet compulsory. We should recall that the ideals of the revolution on which the secular state of France is founded were Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, and Nudité: the whole point of taking a guillotine and chopping off people's heads was to encourage the last of these.

Sorry: Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, Nudité, and Obésité.

Said another member of the Corps de Plage, Commissaire Jules Maigret, as he puffed contentedly on his pipe. "Make no mistake, we'll be coming for other people who shamelessly wear head-dress on the beach. This is far easier than trying to stop terrorists killing people. Now excuse me, I haven't been to the bar for over 20 minutes."

Two religious fanatics who will be arrested if they set foot on dry land.

President François Hollande has promised to recall the French Foreign Legion to the shores of the Mediterranean if the problem of overdressed swimmers is not quickly resolved. The transition from the trackless sands of the desert to the rather crowded sands of Nice should pose no problems for Beau Pipe and his elite squad.

"Get 'em off!" Clouseau and Maigret go into action.

France gets tough with Catholic terrorists

Following Pope Francis's wise comment, "If I speak of Islamic violence, I also have to speak of Catholic violence," President "Flanby" Hollande of France expressed himself "delighted" at his recent achievements in suppressing Catholic terrorism in Paris.

Inspector Clouseau steps in.

Today in the church of Sainte Rita in Paris, which is due for demolition so that a much-needed car park can be built, Inspector Clouseau and his merry men interrupted a Mass, dragging away the priest, altar servers, and congregation (including some pregnant women). As M. Clouseau explained "The priest refused to face me, but turned his back to me and started saying incantations in a foreign language - no doubt the Catholic equivalent of Allahu Akbar. I had no choice but to arrest him as a suspected terrorist."

One of the priest's accomplices is led off to the guillotine.

Celebrating this triumph, M. Hollande commented that it came only a week after the death of Fr Jacques Hamel. It will be recalled that Fr Hamel was guilty of a hate crime, in that he shouted at two peaceful knife-wielding gentlemen of foreign extraction who happened to be visiting his church.

Fr Jacques Hamel - an Islamophobic bigot.

When Policier Plodde arrived on the scene, he was grateful to the two visitors, Adel Kermiche and Abdel Malik Petitjean, for dealing with the "hate crime" situation so effectively. However, it was distressing to learn that, owing to a mix-up, the two visitors had also been killed.

Their finest hour - Les Flics use tear gas on demonstrators against mock "marriage".

Church of England agrees to bless everything

Peace has finally arrived in the Church of England, as it has been agreed that from now on all actions, beliefs, and lifestyle choices are to be blessed.

"Bless everything!" says Sir Joseph Pillbox.

More specifically, in the new non-judgemental C of E it is forbidden to condemn or even criticise other people's actions. After all, when Jesus said "Judge not that ye be not judged," what he really meant was "Close your eyes to other people's actions and on no account interfere."

"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" (Epistle to the Amoralians).

Minority groups in the Church of England have been quick to demand their own blessings. Said one spokesman, Charles Litton of the association of burglars, safe-crackers and jewel thieves: "It will be a great comfort to our members if the local vicar can conduct a short service of blessing before we go out and make a dishonest living."

Said a local vicar, "At first sight some may imagine that stealing is condemned once or twice in the Bible; however, over the years we have managed to get more of an insight into what God really wants from us, and you can take it from me that He really doesn't care if people make a lifestyle choice involving what used to be known as sin."

"Monsieur, I think someone here is in need of a blessing."

As words of confession and forgiveness are deleted from the liturgy - being no longer needed - they are to be replaced by new ceremonies, so that the C of E can provide all-purpose services of blessing: these range from elaborate rituals for blessing conjugal unions involving three men and an elephant, down to "quickies" for people who are planning to pop into the supermarket and shoplift a jar of coffee. From now on, the slogan will be "DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE - JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET A PROPER BLESSING."

"It looks dodgy to me, Brian, but if you're sure you're Blessed..."

President Hollande explains laicity

As President Hollande tightens his grip on France, rejoicing that he is practically the only member of his government who does not yet have a criminal record, he explains to us the principle of laicity.

Empereur Hollande plans his campaign for "le mariage homosexuel."

FH: Eccles, mon vieux! KISS!

E: Please don't do that. It's a bit too French for me.

FH: Eh bien, watch yourself, mon brave, or I shall have to ask M. L'Inspecteur Clouseau to come in and re-educate you with his mighty baton.

Empereur Hollande instructs his elite police force in the best way of tackling demonstrators.

E: Now, votre Majesté, I gather you've been having a little trouble with manifestations against your plans for same-sex marriage?

FH: Nothing serious, Eccles, mon chère ami. A million here, a million there. It's easily dealt with - a little tear gas for the enfants de la patrie, and a few coups de pieds for the adults. Bonus points if you knock down a priest. The sans-culottes of 1789 were fighting for this moment.

E: Of course your country has a good record of protecting children, doesn't it? Wasn't there a little prince called Louis-Charles Capet, whom you bumped off in 1795, at the age of 10?

A dangerous ten-year-old.

FH: Ah yes, one of the high points of the Revolution. I've always felt that this was a particular moment of la gloire de la France. And now we are working towards another great moment.

E: What moment would that be, Sire?

FH: Equal marriage! No longer will we be constrained by morality, common sense or decency! Mes citoyens will be able to marry whoever they like, whenever they like. Family life - who needs it?

E: Well, not you, evidently. I gather that Ségolène wasn't Royal enough for you, and you ran off with Denis Trierweiler's wife instead?

I've realised that you're not Royal enough for me.

FH: Of course! L'état, c'est moi, as I always say.

E: You must be very proud when your police force assaults unarmed priests, whose only fault is that they object to your legislation?

FH: Yes, I'm enjoying every minute of it. Vive la France! Vive la laïcité! Vive les perversions!

Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour! The garçons en bleu bravely assault a monk.

(The full video is here.)