France gets tough with Catholic terrorists

Following Pope Francis's wise comment, "If I speak of Islamic violence, I also have to speak of Catholic violence," President "Flanby" Hollande of France expressed himself "delighted" at his recent achievements in suppressing Catholic terrorism in Paris.

Inspector Clouseau steps in.

Today in the church of Sainte Rita in Paris, which is due for demolition so that a much-needed car park can be built, Inspector Clouseau and his merry men interrupted a Mass, dragging away the priest, altar servers, and congregation (including some pregnant women). As M. Clouseau explained "The priest refused to face me, but turned his back to me and started saying incantations in a foreign language - no doubt the Catholic equivalent of Allahu Akbar. I had no choice but to arrest him as a suspected terrorist."

One of the priest's accomplices is led off to the guillotine.

Celebrating this triumph, M. Hollande commented that it came only a week after the death of Fr Jacques Hamel. It will be recalled that Fr Hamel was guilty of a hate crime, in that he shouted at two peaceful knife-wielding gentlemen of foreign extraction who happened to be visiting his church.

Fr Jacques Hamel - an Islamophobic bigot.

When Policier Plodde arrived on the scene, he was grateful to the two visitors, Adel Kermiche and Abdel Malik Petitjean, for dealing with the "hate crime" situation so effectively. However, it was distressing to learn that, owing to a mix-up, the two visitors had also been killed.

Their finest hour - Les Flics use tear gas on demonstrators against mock "marriage".

Terrorist outrage in Croydon

Following this week's terrorist outrage in Croydon, where a man by the name of Matthew Doyle was rude to a Muslim woman in the street (or at least claimed on Twitter to have committed this atrocity), the national security level in the UK has been raised to "a bit worrying". The Prime Minister called a meeting of the emergency HADDOCK committee to discuss the issue, before disappearing on holiday to visit yet more fish markets. The Croydon police have cancelled leave for all officers, and arrested Matthew Doyle after a 48-hour siege.

The terrorist outrage.

Round the world, people have expressed shock at the outrage. Pope Francis took some time off from washing women's feet to condemn the "blind violence" of Doyle's tweet. The main public buildings of Brussels were lit up in the colours of the Union flag in solidarity with Britain's suffering. As the Mayor of Brussels, M. Poirot, explained "We have had a few bad moments ourselves this week, but at least nobody dared to insult a Muslim woman!"

...and then the Guardian remembered that fools rush in...

Sir Simon Jenkins, already well-known on this blog for being wrong on every issue about which he has expressed an opinion, agrees that Brussels should be forgotten, whereas Croydon will be long remembered in the annals of terrorism. As he says, "The initial act is banal. The atrocities in Brussels happen almost daily on the streets of Baghdad, Aleppo and Damascus." He's right: do you get South London thickos being rude to Muslim women in Baghdad? No, of course not. We should be very scared.

Mrs Neva X. Isted, the victim of the outrage.

We wanted to interview the victim of the terrorist hate crime, Mrs Isted, who is currently in intensive care. However, it was pointed out to us that, under Islamic law, all opinions that she expresses must be provided by her husband. So much for that, then.

A prominent resident flees the terror tweets of Croydon.

Robin Hood defends traditional marriage

Over to Sherwood Forest, where Robin Hood is addressing his merry men.

Well met, my friends, it is good to see you all: Friar Tuck, Maid Marian, Will Scarlet, and the rest. But we have been sheltering a viper in our bosom!

General shuddering... guilty looks, etc.

Robin Hood watcheth a procession of heretics pass.

Friar Tuck: Is it I, my son? Didst thou not like the liturgical dance that I introduced into our most solemn Latin Mass?

Robin: Nay, Friar, although that was reprehensible, there is far worse to tell. The evil one is our comrade "Daft Markie", he who hath designated himself Mark Spencer, MP for Sherwood.

Little John: I never did trust that one. Why is he not here?

Robin: He hath fled unto the Sheriff of Nottingham, a man whose heart is as black as his own. He hath reported us for "terrorism". Even now the sheriff's men, they that are called the "Plod", are seeking to capture us.

Will Scarlet: Surely he is insane? While we support our noble king Richard, who fighteth the Saracen in the Holy Land, can Daft Markie really think that we are terrorists?

A failure of ecumenism.

Robin: Nay, it is not that. I will tell you a tale, although ye will scarce believe it. As ye all know, the words of Our Lord tell us that marriage is a bond between a man and a woman.

Friar Tuck: How can it be otherwise?

Robin: Well, Daft Markie hath got it into his tiny mind that a man may marry another man, or a woman marry another woman.

Marian (blushing): But surely that is a nonsense? Even Prince John the wicked hath not uttered ideas as shameful as that.

Robin: Aye, it is nonsense, but Daft Markie doth not like us to say so. He saith that we are terrorists, and that it is hate speech to teach the truth about marriage.

Little John: But marry, is it not Daft Markie that hateth us? Why is he not arraigned in the stocks as a lumpish, brain-boiled, miscreant varlet? Surely he is the one who is spreading terror?

Omnes: Aye!

Daft Markie poseth with his familiar.

Robin: Alas, it is we Christians that the world now hateth. Henceforth, we are outlaws indeed, and must flee into hiding.