Banning the burkini

Over now to France, where Nice, Cannes and other resorts have struck a blow for secularism by banning the burkini. As Inspecteur Clouseau of the elite Corps de Plage squad explained; "We totally reject ze Islamic idea zat a woman should be told precisely what to wear, so we are making sure zat women in France are told precisely what to wear. Aaaggh, Cato, get off, you imbecile!"

Ooh, Laa Laa! Four dangerous criminals defy the ban.

In fact, it is common on the French Riviera for women to sunbathe topless, although this is not yet compulsory. We should recall that the ideals of the revolution on which the secular state of France is founded were Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, and Nudité: the whole point of taking a guillotine and chopping off people's heads was to encourage the last of these.

Sorry: Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, Nudité, and Obésité.

Said another member of the Corps de Plage, Commissaire Jules Maigret, as he puffed contentedly on his pipe. "Make no mistake, we'll be coming for other people who shamelessly wear head-dress on the beach. This is far easier than trying to stop terrorists killing people. Now excuse me, I haven't been to the bar for over 20 minutes."

Two religious fanatics who will be arrested if they set foot on dry land.

President François Hollande has promised to recall the French Foreign Legion to the shores of the Mediterranean if the problem of overdressed swimmers is not quickly resolved. The transition from the trackless sands of the desert to the rather crowded sands of Nice should pose no problems for Beau Pipe and his elite squad.

"Get 'em off!" Clouseau and Maigret go into action.

The New Church of Nasty

Religious commentators became very puzzled this week, when the Church of Nice decided that, after all, it would be more honest to rebrand itself as the New Church of Nasty. This caused untold confusion, as there is already an Old Church of Nasty.

Nasty...

The original Church of Nasty takes the view that keeping God's commandments is quite a neat idea. So no adultery, homosexual activity, abortion, euthanasia, theft, false witness, etc. Loving one's neighbour doesn't include supporting him when he runs amok with a chainsaw - for although Jesus never explicitly condemned sawing your neighbour in half, we Old Nastians believe that somehow this prohibition is implicit in His teachings, based on the old Jewish law. So since for many people the greatest virtue is Tolerance, this has naturally made traditionally-minded Nastians unpopular in some circles.

... or Nice?

The big change this week came when Kim Davis of Kentucky was sent to prison by Judge David Bunning because she refused to issue same-sex "marriage" licences. Apparently, she was said to have committed contempt of court; as a result David Bunning himself is now regarded with contempt by many decent people - the words "arrogant bullying toad" spring to mind here. We heard a rumour that he himself was a Catholic - if so, then presumably one of the "Church of Nice" types.

The vultures gathered round the corpse of liberty. For example, Michael Coren, the comedy apostate, who left the Catholic Church in order to spend more time with his ego, was full of glee at the news that a committed Christian woman had been sent to prison for her beliefs - rather than, say, being assigned to other duties and being awarded compensation for the inconvenience. As for Hillary Clinton - well, the less said about her the better, under all circumstances.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama takes a picture of the person he loves most.

Of course this is not the first time that the Church of Nice has shown its teeth. Peaceful demonstrators outside abortion clinics are routinely spat on and otherwise intimidated by those of a more "liberal" point of view. People are sued when they refuse to bake cakes bearing absurd political slogans. So now that the inevitable has happened, and the "Nice" people have decided to stop all pretence of being kind, sweet, gentle people who keep kittens and love their neighbours, the renaming of their church as The New Church of Nasty was inevitable.

"Burn her for her Christian principles!" © Church of Nice New Church of Nasty

No doubt Pope Francis will ecumenically get Kim Davis released when he visits the USA.

Eccles is told off

De way of a saved pusson is hard, and I was told off today by a dame, wot didn't find my blogg spiritaully nuorishin.

Unapprecaitive dame.

Wot happened was dat I wrote a blost about de Boat of Fools visitin Croydon (where I has got a good freind wot is a deacon), and dis dame wot I never heard of was upset by it. Here is a controversail pitcher wot was in de story.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

I has been asked three salient questoins by de dame, in fact she asked em twice:

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Well we satirists always takes care never to exaggerate de facts, but inevitabbly errors may creep in. I was readin my Bibble today, and it's got a bit where Jesus says: Blind guides, who strain out a gnat, and swallow a camel. Well we know dat Jesus would never dream of exaggeratin, so it must be dat camel-swallowin was a serious probblem in 1st Century Palestine.

Warning: do not attempt to swallow this camel.

In fact, Jesus also says: And why seest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye; and seest not the beam that is in thy own eye? Well, it must have been true, and not a metaphor or an exaggeratoin.

Warning, wear goggles when handling this, lest it go in thine eye.

Of course my blogg is always helpful, and we sometimes has to be creul to be kind. It seems dat Jesus had de same problems when He said: You serpents, generation of vipers, how will you flee from the judgement of Hell?

A serpent wot needs to think about fleeing.

Well, I hope I has explained my position here: always truthful, kind and helpful. I met Michael Vortex recently, wot has a luvvly video about always being nice. I think that besides being a saved pusson I is gonna be a nice pusson from now on, and not make jokes at people's expense.

Michael, if you're reading this, I think you left something behind.