This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Banning the burkini

Over now to France, where Nice, Cannes and other resorts have struck a blow for secularism by banning the burkini. As Inspecteur Clouseau of the elite Corps de Plage squad explained; "We totally reject ze Islamic idea zat a woman should be told precisely what to wear, so we are making sure zat women in France are told precisely what to wear. Aaaggh, Cato, get off, you imbecile!"


Ooh, Laa Laa! Four dangerous criminals defy the ban.

In fact, it is common on the French Riviera for women to sunbathe topless, although this is not yet compulsory. We should recall that the ideals of the revolution on which the secular state of France is founded were Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, and Nudité: the whole point of taking a guillotine and chopping off people's heads was to encourage the last of these.

Gérard Depardieu

Sorry: Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité, Nudité, and Obésité.

Said another member of the Corps de Plage, Commissaire Jules Maigret, as he puffed contentedly on his pipe. "Make no mistake, we'll be coming for other people who shamelessly wear head-dress on the beach. This is far easier than trying to stop terrorists killing people. Now excuse me, I haven't been to the bar for over 20 minutes."

nuns swimming

Two religious fanatics who will be arrested if they set foot on dry land.

President François Hollande has promised to recall the French Foreign Legion to the shores of the Mediterranean if the problem of overdressed swimmers is not quickly resolved. The transition from the trackless sands of the desert to the rather crowded sands of Nice should pose no problems for Beau Pipe and his elite squad.

French police on Nice beach

"Get 'em off!" Clouseau and Maigret go into action.


  1. De Inspectator (or po-po) iz only jellous becuase, if he must shew his « corpse de plage », evreyon must. Yuo knew, socitey's strandads. (Whitch iz also why I guest Beau Pipe iz a "his" and sheeps is gatehred in a "sqaud".) And whit all de teroristme out tehre, indeed, one must taek a « beau » peep at thier surruondings. Leik me, but I promies nut to stear at anoyne's tinky-winky wehn I am dipsy.

  2. Lieutenant Beau Pipe has lost his jeep
    So now he rides a bike.
    He’s back in France where they look askance
    At clothing they don’t like.
    He spends all day in Saint Tropez
    Cycling along the road
    While scanning the sand for anything banned
    Under the beachwear code.

    1. But … but … but … I thought you were a poetry lover, Cressida. A lady of such discerning taste as yourself!


    2. my english uncle called brine
      moved to france for the women and wine
      he went swimming at the pool
      in knitted trunks - what a fool
      so l'inspecteur gave him a fine

  3. France is strict when it comes to swimwear for both sexes. Men are not allowed to wear those English knitted * (by their Aunties)belted loose trunks or boxer shorts when swimming. They must wear speedos (budgie smugglers). It is for health and safety reasons(French Ones)

  4. It is a disguise

  5. Being arrested for modesty...well, St Paul did warn us.

  6. It is compulsory to follow the totalitarian orders and dress immodestly. Take off those unprescribed clothes and bow to your atheistic dictators.