How not to break the Ten Commandments in church

Following the well-deserved triumph of "IDOLS" in the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses, perhaps because their use is so obviously a breach of the First Commandment, it seems only right to see which other commandments you (or your priest/bishop/cardinal/pope) may break during a standard service.

This one needs no introduction.

1. I AM THE LORD THY GOD: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.

Yes, we've just done that one. They don't come much stranger than Pachamama, even if Austen Ivereigh told us that she should be identified with the Blessed Virgin Mary.

2. THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.

I don't think I've ever heard priests swear in church. One of the tests they make seminarians go through is to drop a heavy weight on their feet and see what swear words they come out with. If it's the F-word or the J-word (the name of our Lord), they're out and can only become Jesuits. If it's a more restrained "Thump! Blinking Heck!" then they are allowed to graduate. You will NEVER hear a bishop say worse than "Chase my Aunt Fanny up a gum tree!" even if someone puts tin tacks on his Cathedra. Try it and see whether I'm right.

Getting down to brass tacks, bishop?

3. KEEP THE SABBATH HOLY.

Well, round here they have suspended the Day of Obligation aspect to Sundays. Indeed, as part of social distancing or whatever, we are encouraged to go to Mass on a different day if possible ("keep Tuesday holy"). So now there is not the smallest sense of obligation about Sundays - you can if you wish watch a livestreamed Mass, or (for light relief) one of Bishop Barron's videos; but you don't need to.

4. HONOUR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER.

It's fairly easy to keep this one in Mass, except for the occasional "Shut up, Gran!" when the old dear is talking during the homily. Or you may prefer "Speak up, Gran!" if it's Deacon M. preaching.

5. THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

Human sacrifices are not normally part of Mass, even in the Amazon. However, we have not yet seen Cardinal Marx's full plans for the German church.

6. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

Well, since Amoris Laetitia, this commandment has more-or-less been abolished. Still, adulterous unions are not an intrinsic part of the liturgy. You might count a general condemnation of immorality here, so banners celebrating LGBT relationships, polygamy, or three-in-a-vat-of-custard nude wrestling are also out.

Fly this flag or you will be guilty of Custardophobia!

7. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

As Cardinals Becciu, Versaldi and Maradiaga are at pains to point out, they just borrowed the collection bags and took them home for safe keeping.

8. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHOUR.

This really depends on the sort of Mass you go to. In a Novus Ordo Mass everyone is silently praying before the service. The Extraordinary Form people are gossiping away like nobody's business - in Latin of course.

9. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE.

I think there's a footnote in Amoris Laetitia saying that this is now allowed (after accompaniment, discernment, and perhaps an evening out in an expensive restaurant). Still, it's really more trouble than it's worth.

10. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOUR'S GOODS.

Originally this included male or female servants, oxen or donkeys, or anything that belonged to your neighbour. This is why most people do not bring their servants or animals to Mass, to avoid giving temptation to others who might covet them. Likewise, if someone sits down next to you and puts an ox or donkey within coveting range, then we advise you to go and sit somewhere else.

Avoid Palm Sunday processions if you are a donkey-coveter.

Palm Sunday Dilemmas

Fr X. Pell de Mons, our resident exorcist and liturgical consultant, answers your Palm Sunday questions.

St Theodulph of Orleans (tr J.M. Neale) wrote a cracking good hymn.

Q. In today's Palm Sunday procession, I accidentally started singing "The company of angels..." instead of "Thou art the King of Israel...", since I am used to reading text downwards in columns rather than across. After two lines of this I noticed that people were glaring at me, and so I switched back to Verse 1.

My question is: when we got to Verse 2, should I have sung "The company of angels..." again, or gone back to sing the omitted bit from Verse 1? I didn't want people to think I was denying "Thou art the King of Israel".

A: You could try muttering "Thou art the King of Israel..." sotto voce - or sub voce as we Latinists have it.

Q: I had another problem with Verse 3.

A: You mean "with palms before thee went"? Did you sing "psalms" by mistake, even though you have a visual aid to remind you?

Actually, He requested psalms.

Q: Mea culpa, but there's another problem, in Line 3. "Our prayer & prayers & anthems..." I suppose that's a typo?

A: Yes, St Theodulph of Orleans never wrote Inwoodisms like that. It's "Our prayer and praise and anthems". Er, or possibly, "Our praise and prayer and anthems". I'd need to look it up. Still, in these circumstances, you should always sing what is written on the service sheet.

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A pope showers people with holy water.

Q: I am a Catholic priest, and at the Palm Sunday procession my attention was distracted by an idiot who was singing the wrong verse of "All glory, laud and honour." So much so, that some of my holy water fell onto a pile of unsold Tablet newspapers, which promptly burst into flames, severely damaging the bespoke mass-trousers worn by one of the servers. Is this a known problem?

The Tablet. Keep away from holy water.

A: Yes, indeed. I even heard a rumour that a certain Tablet journalist was severely burned when she came into contact with some holy water; however, this is probably just malicious gossip.

The Tablet in easy-to-burn form - you can fuel some people all of the time.

No gossip please!

Galilee, AD 32. The Man known as "Our Lord" has spoken out against the temptations to gossip: it is believed that He was referring particularly to recent work by those well-known religious bloggers Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

St Matthew the blogger, with another scoop.

Several news items first revealed in religious blogs are known to have irritated Our Lord. For example, St Matthew posted an in-depth investigation of His ancestry, tracing it back to King David - his blog post "Jesus the Toff" is considered to be in bad taste, challenging as it does Our Lord's claims to be born of quite humble origins, and certainly not as well-off as, say, Owen Jones.

Another gossipy post "What happened to the gold?" reveals that Our Lord's father accepted gifts from three wise men on His behalf, and promptly decamped to Egypt in order to avoid having to declare them on his tax return - ironically, he was only in Bethlehem for tax reasons in the first place.

The Magi Circle - is their loot now in an Egyptian bank vault?

St Luke the blogger is also known to have offended Our Lord, by tactlessly revealing details of the famous "Jerusalem" incident, when He was 12 years old and played truant. It was claimed that He was found three days later, asking questions of some mysterious "doctors" in the temple.

Even St John the blogger, who is generally regarded as being particularly close to Our Lord, has not scrupled to spread gossip about Him. Most recently, Our Lord has been accused of stealing a donkey and riding it into Jerusalem. Some people have also been shocked to learn that He washed His associates' feet. (It seems that He did not wash any women's feet, because it is generally considered unchivalrous to suggest that a woman's feet are dirty...)

Is this linked with the vandalism of a row of palm trees?

Other church leaders have repeated Our Lord's criticism of gossip. Most recently, Archbishop Judas Iscariot has preached a sermon condemning religious blogs. Some malicious bloggers have retaliated by suggesting that ++Judas has something to hide - for example, there are persistent rumours of dodgy financial transactions involving a sum of as much as 30 pieces of silver.

Two wealthy Arabs, in traditional costume, watch events with interest.

As St Mark, another leading blogger, put it, "Writing blogs is generally thought to be a sure way to get on the fast track to sainthood. But if it is going to be condemned at the highest level, then I may give it up, and take to travelling. I've always wanted to see Alexandria."

Alexandria: disillusioned bloggers visit the lighthouse.

Your car needs a service

At this time of year, many cars need to go to the garage for a service, so we investigated some of the possibilities on offer.

Our team of highly-skilled mechanics ready to give you the 1962 "Roman Rite" Service

For those requiring the traditional motoring experience, we offer the 1962 "Roman Rite" service. Your car will be asperged with holy water, and we make sure that only the highest quality oil is used. Our mechanics will sing solemn Gregorian chants as they lovingly restore your car to full spiritual health.

Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor. Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor.

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Your Novus Ordo team

Or like many adolescents of all ages, you may want to be more hip, dude, and go for the Novus Ordo service, especially if you've got a really sporty car with go-faster stripes on it and a nodding-god in the window. This is a truly radical service for your car, and we'll throw all the old bits into the liturgy bin.

The radiator's leaking holy water. I'm afraid it's going to cost you, Guv.

The truly professional mechanics always wear white overalls

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Of course, there are other denominations who might service your car. This is one alternative that we found by shopping around.

The "Palm Sunday" service