How not to break the Ten Commandments in church

Following the well-deserved triumph of "IDOLS" in the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses, perhaps because their use is so obviously a breach of the First Commandment, it seems only right to see which other commandments you (or your priest/bishop/cardinal/pope) may break during a standard service.

This one needs no introduction.

1. I AM THE LORD THY GOD: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.

Yes, we've just done that one. They don't come much stranger than Pachamama, even if Austen Ivereigh told us that she should be identified with the Blessed Virgin Mary.

2. THOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.

I don't think I've ever heard priests swear in church. One of the tests they make seminarians go through is to drop a heavy weight on their feet and see what swear words they come out with. If it's the F-word or the J-word (the name of our Lord), they're out and can only become Jesuits. If it's a more restrained "Thump! Blinking Heck!" then they are allowed to graduate. You will NEVER hear a bishop say worse than "Chase my Aunt Fanny up a gum tree!" even if someone puts tin tacks on his Cathedra. Try it and see whether I'm right.

Getting down to brass tacks, bishop?

3. KEEP THE SABBATH HOLY.

Well, round here they have suspended the Day of Obligation aspect to Sundays. Indeed, as part of social distancing or whatever, we are encouraged to go to Mass on a different day if possible ("keep Tuesday holy"). So now there is not the smallest sense of obligation about Sundays - you can if you wish watch a livestreamed Mass, or (for light relief) one of Bishop Barron's videos; but you don't need to.

4. HONOUR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER.

It's fairly easy to keep this one in Mass, except for the occasional "Shut up, Gran!" when the old dear is talking during the homily. Or you may prefer "Speak up, Gran!" if it's Deacon M. preaching.

5. THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

Human sacrifices are not normally part of Mass, even in the Amazon. However, we have not yet seen Cardinal Marx's full plans for the German church.

6. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

Well, since Amoris Laetitia, this commandment has more-or-less been abolished. Still, adulterous unions are not an intrinsic part of the liturgy. You might count a general condemnation of immorality here, so banners celebrating LGBT relationships, polygamy, or three-in-a-vat-of-custard nude wrestling are also out.

Fly this flag or you will be guilty of Custardophobia!

7. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

As Cardinals Becciu, Versaldi and Maradiaga are at pains to point out, they just borrowed the collection bags and took them home for safe keeping.

8. THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHOUR.

This really depends on the sort of Mass you go to. In a Novus Ordo Mass everyone is silently praying before the service. The Extraordinary Form people are gossiping away like nobody's business - in Latin of course.

9. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE.

I think there's a footnote in Amoris Laetitia saying that this is now allowed (after accompaniment, discernment, and perhaps an evening out in an expensive restaurant). Still, it's really more trouble than it's worth.

10. THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOUR'S GOODS.

Originally this included male or female servants, oxen or donkeys, or anything that belonged to your neighbour. This is why most people do not bring their servants or animals to Mass, to avoid giving temptation to others who might covet them. Likewise, if someone sits down next to you and puts an ox or donkey within coveting range, then we advise you to go and sit somewhere else.

Avoid Palm Sunday processions if you are a donkey-coveter.

The eight worst liturgical abuses

On to the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses, decided by votes on Twitter polls. Follow the hashtag #WCLA and ignore the Western Cape Liquor Authority and the Walled City of Lahore Authority, who used it by mistake.

This page will be gradually updated as we go through the quarters (starting June 29th), semis (July 9th), and onto the final.

Quarter-final 1: Communion in the hand v Rainbow flags. RESULT: 52.2 v 47.8.

Quarter-final 2: Non-Biblical readings v Idols. RESULT: 19.9 v 80.1.

Quarter-final 3: Consecrating ordinary bread v Clowns. RESULT: 54.2 v 45.8.

Quarter-final 4: Blessings from Extraordinary Ministers v Changing words in the liturgy. RESULT: 39.5 v 60.5.

Semi-final 1: Communion in the hand v Idols. RESULT: 29.7 v 70.3.

Semi-final 2: Consecrating ordinary bread v Changing words in the liturgy. RESULT: 34.8 v 65.2.

Third place playoff: Communion in the hand v Consecrating ordinary bread. RESULT: 52.3 v 47.7.

FINAL: Idols v Changing words in the liturgy. RESULT: 77.7 v 22.3.

I therefore declare IDOLS the winner!

World Cup of Liturgical Abuses - the runners

In the end we collected 45 liturgical abuses of one sort and another - if you don't think something is a LA, then you don't need to vote for it - and the World Cup of Liturgical Abuses will start on Twitter on Monday May 25th. Because of the awkward number of entrants, there will be some qualifying rounds to get through first (it will probably take me until Monday to work out how this is organized).

In the end, you may vote for LA you have witnessed, as well as ones you haven't. How can I stop you?

By the way, my score is now 20.

Altar servers in trainers and hoodies

Animals
Asperges guns
Audience responses in the homily
Bad cantors
Bad hymns
Balloons
Bare feet
Blessings from EMHC
Changing words in the liturgy
Clapping
Clowns
Communion in the hand
Copies of Tablet in church
Dancing priests
Everyone sitting throughout
Extra prayers from congregation
Felt banners
Female altar-servers
Flash cards in the homily
"Good morning, Father"
Greeters

Guitars, etc.
Holding hands in the Our Father
Homily in the aisle
Homily given by laity
Idols
Introducing ourselves to our neighbours

LGBT glitter ash
Liturgical dancing
Non-Biblical readings, e.g. Vat II documents
Notices lasting too long
Orans position for the Our Father
Ordinary bread consecrated
Priest next to boyfriend during readings
Priest without vestments
Priest with coloured shirt
Puppets/dolls
Rainbow flags

Roller-skating angels
Secular music
Sign of peace
Singing Happy Birthday
Standing for the consecration
Standing to end of Communion

May the worst abuse win!

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For those who really want to know, this is the draw for the qualifying round. Two go through from each heat, which, with the 18 that were given a bye, makes 32 survivors for the main competition.

1 Guitars, etc.
1 Singing Happy Birthday
1 Dancing priests
1 Idols
2 Felt banners
2 Animals
2 Blessings from EMHC
2 Audience responses in the homily
3 Extra prayers from congregation
3 Everyone sitting throughout
3 Introducing ourselves to our neighbours
3 LGBT glitter ash
4 Altar servers in trainers and hoodies
4 Non-Biblical readings, e.g. Vat II documents
4 Copies of Tablet in church
4 Clapping
5 Notices lasting too long
5 Female altar-servers
5 Rainbow flags
5 Sign of peace
6 Clowns
6 Standing for the consecration
6 Orans position for the Our Father
6 Asperges guns
7 Standing to end of Communion
7 Priest with coloured shirt
7 Homily given by laity

Also, it came too late to be included, but an honourable mention for this video, sent in by Hilary White. "Commentators"!

Oh all right, put that into group 7, which is already one short.

The World Cup of Liturgical Abuses

Inspired by an offering from Patrick Coffin, I want to run a World Cup of Liturgical Abuses (either by the priest or the people). To make it interesting I only want people to vote for abuses that they have actually experienced (e.g. most of us have led sheltered lives, and missed out on clown masses), although it will be a lucky reader who has not come across any of the ones in my list.

So far we have the following contestants, but nominations of others are invited in the next week, either via the comments below or replying to @bruveccles on Twitter.

Ready?

Liturgical dancing

Female altar-servers

Communion in the hand

Clowns

Puppets

Sign of peace

"Let's not!"

Holding hands in the Our Father

Orans position for the Our Father

Standing for the consecration

Bad hymns (Schutte, Haugen etc.)

Introducing ourselves to our neighbours

Idols

Clapping

Reading out Vatican II documents

Changing words in the liturgy

Guitars

Balloons

Of course, you may actually like some/all of these, but that is not my problem.

The voting on Twitter will begin on Monday 25th May, once next week's exciting Laudato Si' celebrations (to be the subject of a future post?) have died down and everyone has sobered up again.

Incidentally, I think I have seen eight of the above. Can anyone beat that?

The unknown Pope Francis

Following Pope Francis's trip to the USA, here are a few pictures which indicate that some people have absolutely no idea what the Holy Father looks like.

An iDoll, but not Pope Francis.

Could be anyone...

Getting nearer, but still doesn't quite capture him.

Very artistic, but who is it supposed to be?

NO.

Yes, here he is at last, surrounded by "concelebrating" clowns.

And again, with the local village idiot.

Liturgical abuses

QUAERITUR: Our parish priest frequently turns up late for Mass, because he has to finish watching his favourite television programme beforehand. In order to start the service on time he has programmed a rather gloomy robot to say the words for him until he arrives. Is there any problem with this?

"Ego miser et indignus peccator (I think you ought to know I'm a very depressed sinner)."

Father X writes: No, I can't see any problem with that, provided that the real priest takes over before the Gospel is read out.

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QUAERITUR: Although our parish priest turns up on time, he is a rather timid chap with a very dominating mother and two sisters, who insist on correcting him all the time. Last Sunday, he began to say "Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault" and they interrupted him with "Actually, I blame the bishop." Worse, they dress up in the most hideous vestments, evidently wishing that they themselves were priests. What can we do?

Now John always gets the words of the creed wrong, so we'll do it our way.

Father X writes: Never argue with a woman!

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QUAERITUR: Our parish priest is very fond of pizza. Last week he became a little confused, and, evidently thinking he had a supply of bread and wine, he started consecrating a pepperoni pizza and a bottle of diet coke. Were we right to stop him?

At least the priest is wearing a biretta!

Father X writes: It is never right to interrupt a priest, even one who seems to be barking mad.

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QUAERITUR: Our parish priest writes a blog on which he keeps advertising coffee. I drank some of it, and felt very ill afterwards. If I can't trust him to recommend good coffee, how can I trust his interpretations of the Gospels?

Liturgically invalid coffee.

Father X writes: Disgraceful! This is definitely a liturgical abuse. Drink "Mysterious Monk" coffee, guaranteed to kill 99% of all known germs.