Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition

Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition! Our main weapon is kissing... kissing and healing... two main weapons. And a fanatical devotion to the Pope. Three main weapons. Oh, and adultery. I'll come in again.

You are charged with the crime of quoting Monty Python yet again.

Consider this post as another item in our long-running series "How to be a good pope" - designed for those who went to a conclave and were elected to the top job by an overwhelming 120 votes (this slightly surprised you, as there were only 115 cardinal-electors, but then your mates in the St Gallstone Mafia weren't taking any chances!)

Remember the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition? Well, it's now called the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith, which doesn't sound nearly as impressive. And it needs a new boss. The first chap to run the show was Antonio Ghislieri, who later became Pope Pius V and a saint, so you must be very careful to choose a successor of equal merit.

St Pius V - not known for writing books about kissing.

Anyway, you seem to have found the ideal candidate. You already have a track record of brilliant appointments to dicasteries - the Catholic World is lost in wonder at the exploits of Arthur "Two-dinners" Rogue in the Divine Worship office - and your old pal Archbishop Victor, alias "Touchy-feely", looks like a worthy successor to Pope St Pius V.

A quick look at his CV shows that he wrote a book called Kiss me quick, baby. A guide to healing. We're hoping that this will be made into a blockbuster film, with Austen Ivereigh in the role of the great healer. Moreover, Touch-feely helped ghost-write your own bestselling Amorous Letitia, the story of a libertine who was welcomed back into the church and (I never got that far, but I'm guessing) ended up as a Jesuit priest. This sort of thing is guaranteed to annoy the rigid backwardist indietrists who are making life so difficult for you.

Now, Touchy-Feely, how do you plan to "sex up" Catholic teaching?

Good. You've made another brilliant appointment. Box ticked.

What's next on the agenda? Oh yes, sending the boys round to beat up Bishop Strickland, who's been stepping out of line by giving a moral lead. No problem...

A guest post from Peter Hitchens (age 11)

In skool we have been studdying the CATHLIC MATERS under Queen Elizzabeth, who was CHURCH OF ENGGLAND cheers cheers, and not a nasty Cathlic like her sister BLODDY MARRY. Mr CRANNMER our histry teecher told us to go and read the "orthoritative text" on the refformation, which is 1066 and all that. This tells us that queen elizzabeth was a GOOD THING and was known as GOOD QUEEN BESS, especially by all the people she had executted.

The book is jolly exciting, as it hav lots of bludshed in it, and people being hung, drawn and quatered cheers. I asked mr crannmer if we could do a skool play with fotherington-tomas in the roll of edmund campoin, but he said no, hitchens, fotherington-tomas may be a cathlic but you must show MERCY. This is wot he calls being ECUMENICKLE chiz chiz. I discard him.

We hav also been reeding fox's book of maters, which explanes that all the angliccans that died were HEROES and all the cathlics were traitors. Who would have thort that religoin could do that my dere?

The hitchens-peason anti-cathlic trapp.

Anyway, in brief the story is that all cathlics were giulty of TREESON, because POP PUIS V in ROM said that GOOD QUEEN BESS was a HERETTIC and not SAVED and shuold not be the QUEEN. So it was ILLEGAL to be a cathlic preist, and also to go to MASS. In fact it was probabbly ILLEGAL to beleive in God, becuase I asked MR WELLBY the skool chaplin, and he says that the traditoin of ATHIESM in the church of enggland is very strong even to this day.

This is MAGARET CLITHEROE who was a secret agent for POP PUIS chiz.

We also studdied the MATERDOM of magaret clitheroe, who was a sort of MARTYR HARI spy for the POP and spent her time sheltering cathlic preists rather than doing the PATROITIC THING and handing them over to be hung, drawn and quatered. She was killed by having HEAVY WIEGHTS squashing her, which was a GOOD THING and made everyone VERY HAPPY.

Well thats all ive got time for now, but you can lern more about the GOLDEN AGE of RELIGOIN on my twitter account or the MALE ON SUNDAY.

Nasty things traditionalists do

Sister Modernia writes:

Sister Modernia

I am very grateful to Brother Eccles for giving me the opportunity to draw your attention to some of the nasty things that traditionalists do. I have written at least a dozen letters to Pope Francis about this issue, but so far he refuses to excommunicate anyone.

Mantillas. Ban them!

Why should women be allowed to wear mantillas in church? They only do it in order to be "holier than thou", sneering at me as I come in wearing my "kiss me quick" baseball cap.

Now that's what I call good taste!

There's nothing wrong with being bare-headed anyway - St Paul may have said (in 1 Corinthians 11) that women should cover their head in church, but that was only addressed to the Corinthians. Remember it wasn't in the Vatican II documents, so it cannot apply to us!

Latin. How disgusting!

Up to the 1960s there must have several million Latin Masses celebrated. They were all invalid! I see it as my mission to stamp out the Latin Mass wherever I encounter it. You wouldn't see me attend one, so why should others? And some of those traddies pretend to understand what's going on! No, it's simply elitism! Ban it!

Pius V - may have been a saint, but he didn't know what a proper Mass was.

And here's another nasty habit we need to do something about.

Kneeling! How offensive!

When I go to Heaven - which I surely shall, thanks to my devotion to the Spirit of Vatican II - I shall meet my Creator. Will I kneel before Him? Good Heavens, no! I'll stride up boldly to Him and say "Yo, Dude! Didn't I do well?" He'll be surrounded by His angels, most of whom will probably be former Tablet staff, and they'll all say "Modernia! You told 'em!"

One of God's angels.

No, we don't kneel before God these days. Moreover, it is vital to make sure that nobody else does, even if they want to! If you see a "kneeler", mock them!

Well we've just got time for one more "nasty thing". Pro-life issues!

Mother and baby stuff. Over-rated.

Don't you just hate pro-lifers? Or people who keep going on about how they like children? Some of them even blog on the subject - woeful! They're just doing it to make the rest of us feel bad. However, I read in the Tablet that church teaching is evolving on this issue. Pope Francis may secretly be a "traddy" pro-lifer, but we have friends in Rome who are ready to "spin" what he says.

We shall ban smug, offensive, provocative posters like this!

Finally, I'd like to thank Eccles for allowing me to post on his blog today, and bringing my views to such a wide audience. He's got a long way to go, but we're working on him!