A guest post from Peter Hitchens (age 11)

In skool we have been studdying the CATHLIC MATERS under Queen Elizzabeth, who was CHURCH OF ENGGLAND cheers cheers, and not a nasty Cathlic like her sister BLODDY MARRY. Mr CRANNMER our histry teecher told us to go and read the "orthoritative text" on the refformation, which is 1066 and all that. This tells us that queen elizzabeth was a GOOD THING and was known as GOOD QUEEN BESS, especially by all the people she had executted.

The book is jolly exciting, as it hav lots of bludshed in it, and people being hung, drawn and quatered cheers. I asked mr crannmer if we could do a skool play with fotherington-tomas in the roll of edmund campoin, but he said no, hitchens, fotherington-tomas may be a cathlic but you must show MERCY. This is wot he calls being ECUMENICKLE chiz chiz. I discard him.

We hav also been reeding fox's book of maters, which explanes that all the angliccans that died were HEROES and all the cathlics were traitors. Who would have thort that religoin could do that my dere?

The hitchens-peason anti-cathlic trapp.

Anyway, in brief the story is that all cathlics were giulty of TREESON, because POP PUIS V in ROM said that GOOD QUEEN BESS was a HERETTIC and not SAVED and shuold not be the QUEEN. So it was ILLEGAL to be a cathlic preist, and also to go to MASS. In fact it was probabbly ILLEGAL to beleive in God, becuase I asked MR WELLBY the skool chaplin, and he says that the traditoin of ATHIESM in the church of enggland is very strong even to this day.

This is MAGARET CLITHEROE who was a secret agent for POP PUIS chiz.

We also studdied the MATERDOM of magaret clitheroe, who was a sort of MARTYR HARI spy for the POP and spent her time sheltering cathlic preists rather than doing the PATROITIC THING and handing them over to be hung, drawn and quatered. She was killed by having HEAVY WIEGHTS squashing her, which was a GOOD THING and made everyone VERY HAPPY.

Well thats all ive got time for now, but you can lern more about the GOLDEN AGE of RELIGOIN on my twitter account or the MALE ON SUNDAY.

Saint of the Week - St Libby

St Libidina ("Libby") Lane of Stockport was a twenty-first century Anglican saint, known for bringing Christianity to the sexist, misogynist, pagan lands of Stockport.

St Libidina of Stockport.

Such was her piety that St Libby was described by the legendary Archbishop Sentamu (a man of such exalted station that he was outranked only by Archbishop Welby, Queen Elizabeth II and God - and even then, only just) as "following in the footsteps of St Margaret Clitherow."

"Actually, I meant to say Jimmy Clitheroe, but nobody noticed."

St Margaret Clitherow was a Catholic Saint who was martyred in 1586 by being crushed with rocks (this was in the reign of Good Queen Bess, and was part of her policy of "tolerance towards Catholics"). St Libidina, on the other hand, suffered far greater woes, as she saw a succession of useless no-hopers appointed to the job of bishop - this is also a Catholic tradition - while she was sent out to make the tea and do the washing-up. Was she never to wear the coveted hat of a bishop?

St Margaret Clitherow - her martyrdom was considered a "luxury" by Yorkshiremen.

Of course traditions in the two churches do differ. The Catholics are forced to follow in the sexist footsteps of Jesus Christ, a man who never said anything significant about equality and diversity, women's issues, or the right to wear Babylonian fish hats. The Anglicans, on the other hand, take their lead from Henry VIII, a man who married six times and fully knew how to give a girl a good time (at least for a while).

The latest in bishop's mitres.

The day of St Libidina's fast-track consecration/ ordination/ promotion/ redeployment to an executive role in Anglico was itself full of drama. As the Archbishop read out the traditional words "Does any sexist mail chauvinist pig know any just cause or impediment why this girl may not be given a key to the bishops' washroom?" there came a cry of "Put a sock in it, Sentamu!" Nonetheless, a miracle occurred, and Archbishop Sentamu managed to achieve something that Christ Himself would never have dared to do. Yes, St Libidina had made it to the Board of Directors!