What the Prodigal Son did next

A sequel to the earlier parable.

1. So the prodigal son, Harry, with the prodigal daughter-in-law, the sorceress Meg-han le Fay, parted from his father a second time, and went into the wilderness to seek an even bigger fortune than he had already.

2. "Leave us alone!" cried the happy couple. "We have told you many times, by means of interviews, epistles, paintings, interpretative dance, commemorative mugs, even by means of the Metropolitan Oprah, that we are humble strolling players who wish to preserve a dignified silence."

Harry painteth a self-portrait in the style of Van Gogh.

3. But it was not to be. "I am going spare," said Harry, "and the only way to be ignored will be to write the best-selling story of my life, also to be called 'Spare'."

4. Meanwhile, the grandmother of the prodigal son, who happened to be the Queen, died at a great age, and his father became King.

5. This Queen had responded to the claims of Meg-han Le Fay by saying "Recollections may vary", which is how queens say "Thou art a silly cow and everything thou sayest is as the droppings of the bulls of Bashan."

6. But now that the Queen was dead, the prodigal couple decided to invent more stories about life at the royal palace.

7. "For I am black but comely," said Meg-han Le Fay, "and thus I am the victim of racial attacks by the late Queen and her corgis of war."

8. Which was not true, for the people had greeted her with "Who is this that appears like the dawn, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, majestic as the stars in procession?"

"Boris! Liz! Rishi! Keir! Attack!"

9.But Harry was also much grieved. "Once when I was three years old, my brother William called me a 'pest', and it hath traumatized me all my life. What can I do?"

10. And Meg-han le Fay replied, "Let us arise and go unto the men who flick the nets, and ask them to make a powerful twenty-six-part entertainment about us.

11. Thus can we remain private, as we have always wanted; we can be revenged on the wickedness of William; and, best of all, we can be rewarded with much gold."

12. And it was so.

The people are entertained by the story of the prodigal couple.

The Prodigal Son

1. A certain man named Charles had two sons. The elder son was serious and wise, although a little bald, and everyone said that he would be a king one day.

2. However, the younger son, Harry, was wild and lived life of riotous living. He would remove his clothes in order to play the game of pool, and he would dress himself in the uniform of the Nazites.

3. Then one day the younger son was wed unto a lady called Meg-han from a distant land, although she had already been wed before.

And they all lived happily ever after.

4. Some say that he wed Meg-han twice: once in a garden, and once in a church.

5. And Meg-han did not know how to behave in the courts of the family of Harry. For nobody had told her that his grandmother was a powerful queen who could open buildings simply by cutting a cord.

6. Nor did Meg-han know how to treat the servants of the Queen, for she hissed and shouted when her tiaras were improperly placed.

7. But it is true that Meg-han, who was black but comely as the curtains of Solomon, was once deeply distressed. For there came one to her who asked what nature of child she would bear - ginger and irresponsible, or black and bad-tempered.

8. So eventually the younger son said, "Father, give me my share of the estate. I wish to become independent.

9. For my wife Meg-han hath had enough of opening abattoirs in Goole and recycling centres in Basingstoke.

10. She wisheth to return to the holy wood of her forefathers, wherein she may be a celebrity without any duties, save to speak voice-overs for him that is called Disney."

The father is grieved on hearing of his son's wish to depart.

11. And thus Harry and Meg-han left the family that is known as royal, and began to squander their wealth in wild living.

12. Indeed, Harry forsook the title of "Your Prodigal Highness" and changed his name to "Mr Sussex".

13. They went into the market-place and tried to make their fortune by selling useful items, under the name of "Sussex Prodigal".

14. But, alas, nobody wanted to buy a carbon-neutral biodegradable gluten-free halal antiracist gay clockwork hedgehog that played "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" even if it did bear the label "Sussex Prodigal".

15. So, when they had spent all their substance, they sought another way to pay their way.

16. And Meg-han said, "Once I was a celebrity, and acted in a play called Suits. Although you may not believe it, I played a selfish good-for-nothing who was seeking a wealthy husband. Perchance I can act again."

17. But the people of the Holy Wood did not require an actress who could play an aggressive bad-tempered, selfish, good-for-nothing. Although they did say that, if they were to remake the humorous play known as Psycho with a female star, then they would call on her.

18. Then, in desperation, Harry and Meg-han went into the fields to feed the creature known as Oprah. And they wished that they might fill their stomachs with the pods that the Oprah ate, but their fee was far less than hers and they could not afford them.

Feeding the Oprah.

19. So Harry said, "I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, 'Father, you have sinned against Heaven and before me. You are no longer worthy to be called my father.'"

Evangelist's note. This doesn't seem to be going quite as expected. Perhaps we'll try for a happy ending later.

(Warning: parts of this are recycled from an earlier parable.)

The Prodigal Son

1. There was a man who had two sons, William and Harry.

2. The younger son said, "Father, give me my share of the estate. I wish to become independent.

3. For my wife Meghan hath had enough of opening abattoirs in Goole and recycling centres in Basingstoke.

4. She wisheth to return to the holy wood of her forefathers, wherein she may be a celebrity without any duties, save to speak voice-overs for him that is called Disney.

5. Although she hateth the orange man that is called Trump, and will for the time being retire to Canada, where the black-face man ruleth, he that is called Trudeau."

The father is grieved on hearing of his son's wish to depart.

6. And thus Harry and Meghan left the family that is known as royal, and began to squander their wealth in wild living.

7. Indeed, Harry forsook the title of "Your Prodigal Highness" and changed his name to "Mr Sussex".

8. They went into the market-place and tried to make their fortune by selling useful items, under the name of "Sussex Prodigal".

9. But, alas, nobody wanted to buy a carbon-neutral biodegradable gluten-free halal antiracist clockwork hedgehog that played "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" even if it did bear the label "Sussex Prodigal".

10. So after Harry had spent the fortune that his father had given him, he was sent into the fields to feed pigs.

11. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

Mr Sussex feedeth the pigs.

12. Thus he came to his senses, and bade Meghan return with him to the house of his father.

13. He said to his father, "Father, I have sinned against Heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."

14. And his father said, "Let us welcome back my son who was lost. Bring the fatted calf and kill it! After that he can rejoin the family.

15. There is a public convenience in Wolverhampton that he may go and open. Let him make a hard-hitting speech, explaining how much the world needs such conveniences."

16. But Meghan spake out, saying, "For shame! We will only eat a low-fat vegan calf. Thou art a racist and a sexist beast."

17. Thus Harry went back to the pig farm again.

18. And they all lived happily ever after.

Eccles isn't made welcome in church

I gotta apollogise for this post as my secretarries, Ecclesiam and Ecclesiis, is both away todday, so there may be the odd typpo and spelin erorr that creeps into this post. I think we're OK so far, but figners crossed...

Fr Phil of the church of St Daryl the Apostate, at the Hallowe'en Mass.

On Sunday I went to Mass at the very libberal church of St Daryl the Apostate, takin with me my big bruvver Bosco - him wot is even more saved than Pop Francis - and my dere Anti Moly, wot is not at all saved and don't want to be. Bosco only goes along so that he can interrupt the preist by sayin "You is not saved, only I is saved," and Anti Moly just finds the church a conveneint place to slubmer peacefully once she has emptied her bottle of gin.

Bosco and me when we was kids. I is the one bein chaste.

So we gets into the church, and Fr Phil welcomes us at the door, sayin, "Ullo, Eccles, is you gay? If so, you gotta special welcome todday, cos that's what the Snyodd decided. Or if you is cohabitin and never got round to marryin, then Cradinal Nickles says that's wonderful, and he wishes all Cathlics was like you." I explaned that I is a saved pusson leadin a chased and cellybat lifestyle, though I got lotsa lady admirers on account of my handsome looks.

"And I gotta girlfriend," said Bosco. "She's called Camilla, and lives near the cemmetry. But she sleeps in the day time and only comes out a night."

"That's super," said Fr Phil. "We really values a vampair's lifestyle: they has a lot to contribute. I must invite her round for a bite one evenin."

Who is I to judge this lady's lifestyle?

"Now, how about you, Anti Moly? Is you perchance a lebsian? You is one of the few women round here whose name aint been linked with that of Bishop Keiran Corny."

My dere anti explaned that on the contrary, she had many years ago been deeply in love with a young Austrialan student called Goerge Pell, wot had jumped into a billaboing to avoid her unwanted attentoins. Later he became a preist, and is now a cradinal, but we is sure that secretly he regrets not tyin the knott with Anti Moly.

"Got that? If Anti Moly gets near, shoot on sight."

"Well you ain't no fun, is you?" said Fr Phil in disgust. "It's a two-way process, you know. If you wants the fatted claf and the lovvin welcome as a sinner, you gotta do some interestin sins wot we can admire. Remember the prodigious son's elder bruvver didn't get nuffink."

"I got into a fight wiv some nuns last night," said Bosco hopefully. "I was tellin them rotten critters they wasn't saved, when they started beatin me up. Wot's more, one of em nuns cut my leg up wiv a broken bottle, and I had to have stitches."

Training for a re-match with Bosco next Friday night.

"You ain't been paying attentoin," said Fr Phil grumpily. "It was a Snyodd on the Fambly, and that means SEX. We aint interested in people what does greivous boddily harm, or shopliftin, or other non-sexaul sins. Now clear off, the lotta you."

The Prodigal Son

There was a man called George who had three sons. The eldest was called David, the second Patrick and the youngest Andrew. The youngest one said, "Father, give me a share of your estate." The father said "Actually, we only have a family debt, but you are welcome to take your share of that. No, I thought not. Still, you can take that can of oil that you found, together with anything else that is yours, such as the bottle of whisky and that dreadful set of bagpipes that you will insist on playing at all hours."

The youngest son steps out.

At this point we should point out that the youngest son was definitely in two minds about going. His heart told him to leave, even though his head told him it would be madness. Still, in the end he went, and soon squandered the few pounds he had been able to take with him; then he decided to print his own money, but it was not widely accepted, and indeed the expression "Bent as a five-salmond note" soon passed into common usage.

He therefore went to work for a farmer, and was sent into the fields to feed the haggises. He would have loved to have fed himself on the revolting porridge that these creatures ate, but none was given to him.

The taming of the haggis.

After a while he could take no more of this, and said "I will arise and go to my father, and say, 'Father, give me money and I will live with you.'" For this trick had worked in 1707 (did we mention that the youngest son was adopted?)

And his father saw him coming when he was still far off, and said "Bring my best pair of trousers and put it on him; for he cannot wear that dreadful kilt, as it frightens the cat. Also, let us kill the fatted calf and have a fatted Yorkshire pudding with it: anything but haggis, anyway."

... with fatted Eccles cakes to follow.

Now, the eldest son, David, was in the field, tending to the leek harvest, and singing strange ballades, as was his wont, and as he returned to the house he heard wondrous music: for the youngest brother had brought his bagpipes back with him, and was attempting to play James MacMillan's The Confession of Isobel Gowdie on them.

I thought pole dancing was naughtier than this.

And he was angry and said to his father, "In all the years I have been with you, I never caused half as much trouble as my young brother, and yet he gets a wild party."

And the father said, "Son, it was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was lost, and is found."

And at that moment the youngest son popped his head round the door and said, "Thanks, Dad. Well, I'll be off again now..."

The prodigal son breaks the news to his father.

Justin Welby redefines sin

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has signalled that the Anglican Church (well, some of it) will now abandon its resistance to same-sex marriage. This is part of a new far-ranging review of the nature of sin - the point being that it is anomalous for the established Church of England to be in conflict with the laws of the land.

From now on, teaching based on scripture and tradition will be abandoned, since it cannot be updated. Instead, following negotiations with the police force, there is one simple rule for salvation:

If it's legal, it's moral. If it's moral, it's legal.

OUTGOING: All those "sins" which are no longer illegal, such as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony are now repealed. Fancy some Sabbath-breaking, adultery, fornication, same-sex relationships, or worshipping false gods? Go ahead, chum. God can't touch you for it.

Only sinful if you are obstructing the traffic.

INCOMING: Make sure that from now on you acknowledge all breaches of the law: from now on, these are all redefined as sins. Did you drive a car without wearing a seatbelt? SINNER! Did you sell a wrongly-shaped banana in contravention of EU Directive E/1601303/ZLOBB/Q? REPENT, OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL!

Forgive me, Father, for I have sold a wrongly-shaped banana.

These changes will filter down to the liturgy of Anglican services. Out go traditional forms of words such as "We confess and acknowledge our manifold sins and wickednesses". Instead, we shall hear the following words (possibly set to a happy-clappy anthem):

PRIEST: Hello, hello, hello. What's all this, then?
CONGREGATION: It's a fair cop, Guv'nor. I dunnit orl right. 

The Prodigal Son realises that he's been moving pigs without a permit.

The nature of Good and Evil is constantly evolving - in the Church of England we have long since got away from the idea of a "God" who makes up the rules - so it is good that a logical doctrinal position is now being taken. Naturally, as time goes on, new sins will defined, and some old ones repealed. One all-purpose sin that is currently under review is Denial. Do you deny that same-sex couples are really married? Do you deny that whatever sort of winter we have, wet, dry, warm or cold, it is evidence of climate change? Do you deny that Stephen Fry is hilariously funny? YOU ARE A BIGOT AND A SINNER AND YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED.

Forgive me, O Lord, for I am bigoted.

Bosco is fuond

Dere is grate cerebration in our household becuase de Prodigious Son, viz my dere bruvver Bosco, have been returned to us. He is in a somewhat dazed state, babblin incoherrently, but dat is perfickly normal for him, so we aint worried.

We has been thinkin of killin de fatted claf for Bosco. De Calumny Chappel have got one, but dey wont lend him to us. Here is a pitcher of de beest in quetsion, wot is gonna be saved.

Now I'd better explane what happenned. We got a tellephone call from de local Cathlic Churhc to say dey had kindapped Bosco to stop him savin poeple, dey will stop at nuffink dem Cathlics.

Bein Cathlics and used to methodds of torcher, dey had locked up poor Bosco in a dunngeon. He was keepin up his spirrits by singing hynms about how he was saved, washed in de blud of de Labm, and reddy to collect his golden crown at de check-in at Heaven's Gate. Indeed, he had alreddy sent a prayer to Jessus wiv detales of de mesurements of his head, it aint much fun spendin eternitty wiv a crown dat don't fit.

Well, de Cathlics wanted $10,000 ransome, or dey said dey was gonna send him back to us. "We dont want dis gibberrin idoit singin here all day long," dey said. "We got some seroius iddle-worshippin to get on wiv. Give us de duogh and we'll make sure he dissappears."

De Calumny Chappel was very keen on payin de ransome, as dey said $10,000 was a reel bargian, to be rid of Bosco for ever. But I is a luvvin bruvver and refussed to pay, so dese Cathlic feinds sent Bosco home again. I did suggest dat dey cuold take my Anti Moly in exchange, but dey didnt want her.

Still, dis gave me an idea, and so we has put an advert in de newspapper placin our Anti Moly on de markett.

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OLD LADY NOW AVIALABLE TO A GOOD HOME

WE WILL PAY $10,000 IF YOU'LL TAKE HER AWAY

VERY USEFULL IF YOU NEEDS ANY SCREEMIN DONE

COMES WITH SPARE SET OF FLASE TEETH

FOND OF CHILDDREN, BUT WILL ALSO EAT SNAKES, SCROPIONS, WELL ANYFINK REELY

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So far noboddy is very interrested.