The Pilgrim's Ogress 10: Disciples of Satan

Continued from Part 9.

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage. After their spiritually nourishing encounter with Tina Beattie, they decide to test one of the pope's latest claims. Father James Martin SJ takes up the story.

A parish secretary deals with an unwelcome enquiry.

I am very honoured to have been invited to continue the tale of Eccles's wanderings. I know Eccles is a great fan of my books, especially How God can learn from us, which explains why God created mankind, and Invent your own heresy, in which I tell you how I developed the complex doctrines of Martinism, and how you too can have a heresy named after yourself. But I digress.

How God can learn from us.

Hearing of Pope Francis's words that parish secretaries were like disciples of Satan, Brother Eccles decided that the time had to come to take up the cudgels against such creatures. Now I don't run a parish myself, being a member of the America House Jesuit Community in Manhattan, where my brother Jesuits and I live a simple life of comradeship (and we hardly ever dress up as deaconesses, that's right out). So I advised Eccles to visit a typical English parish and see how Pope Francis SJ (!) had spoken nothing but the plain truth.

In our Jesuit community, Friday night is custard night!

Now Eccles's Auntie Moly did not come with him on this occasion, Apparently, she'd just been appointed to Pope Francis's commission to study the issue of women deacons, along with other famous Catholics such as Nancy Pelosi, Tony Flannery, Catherine Pepinster, Hans Küng, and Cardinal Marx. Packing six suitcases with bottles of gin, hair restorer, Zap-a-bug^TM insect killer spray, and other favourite tipples, she took a flight to Rome, leaving Eccles to confront the Disciple of Satan on his own.

Eccles knocked on the door of St Tharg's parish office and went in.

The Parish Secretary.

"GO AWAY!" screamed the Parish Secretary, who at that moment was crouched over the unconscious body of a Franciscan friar, preparing to drink his blood. "THE PILGRIMAGE TO LORD'S IS CANCELLED AS WE GOT THE WRONG SHRINE WE HAVE NO MORE RAFFLE TICKETS TO SELL THE REFUGEES DON'T WANT ANY MORE DONATIONS OF OLD SOCKS NO I DON'T KNOW WHO MURDERED THE ORGANIST TICKETS FOR THE CLOWN MASS AREN'T ON SALE YET FATHER ERIC HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR SETTING FIRE TO THE BISHOP AND DON'T TAKE AWAY THE BROKEN PIANO UNTIL WE'VE USED IT FOR OUR PAUL INWOOD CONCERT."

There was nothing Eccles could do. He tried attacking the parish secretary with all the weapons at his disposal - mercy, sarcasm, and a ripe selection of Pope-Francis-approved insults - but in the end he retired defeated. He'll never make the grade as a Jesuit.

In this case, even Mercy was not enough to overpower the Disciple of Satan.

My daughter is a Satanist: should I be worried?

Our agony aunt, Ella Rislim, answers your ethical questions for Crux.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter is obsessed with the occult, like many healthy nine-year-olds. Recently, she has been conducting seances in her bedroom, inviting Madame E. Curti, a local medium, to summon up the spirits of dead people. Last week, for example, she conjured up her Uncle Albert, Charlie Chaplin, and Mgr Basil Loftus (the last was rather a surprise until we realised that his soul had long since parted company from his body).

A perfectly normal interest for a young child.

So far there have been no ill effects apart from the fact that her bedroom smells strongly of ectoplasm and the cat has disappeared. Oh - and there was the unfortunate incident when her best friend encountered the demon Melbrinionon-sadsazzer-steldregandish-feltselior and was carried off down to Hell. We are faithful Catholics, regular readers of Crux, and great fans of Pope Francis. Do you see a problem with this?

Auntie Ella writes: It is good for children to have a hobby. Admittedly the Catholic Church warns against occultism, conjuring up spirits, cosying up to demons, and playing around with the supernatural. But after all, Tolkien was a Catholic, and nobody ever told him off for writing those books of his!

Tolkien - wrote about wraiths and spirits.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My teenage son Victor has started to take an interest in grave-robbing, and has formed a fine collection of body parts. He tells me that he is just one spleen and three bones short of making a complete monster, which he proposes to animate the next day we have a thunderstorm. As a pious Catholic who attends Mass every Christmas, should I feel concerned?

Auntie Ella writes: This is perfectly normal activity for a Catholic teenager. However, I should check that the wiring in your house is safe, as we don't want him to start a fire, do we?

The monster offers to help in the garden.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter Catherine sleeps in a coffin during the day time, and goes out only at night "for a drink", as she puts it. Also she keeps dozens of bats in her bedroom. I am worried that this pattern of behaviour is causing her to neglect her studies, and she may fail to get into Oxford University. As a faithful Catholic, what should I do?

Auntie Ella writes: Do not worry. If she can't make it into Oxford, she might try Roehampton.

An anxious moment waiting for A level results.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter has been reading Crux and taking advice from its agony aunt. Is this wise?

Auntie Ella writes: Er, well....

Eccles isn't made welcome in church

I gotta apollogise for this post as my secretarries, Ecclesiam and Ecclesiis, is both away todday, so there may be the odd typpo and spelin erorr that creeps into this post. I think we're OK so far, but figners crossed...

Fr Phil of the church of St Daryl the Apostate, at the Hallowe'en Mass.

On Sunday I went to Mass at the very libberal church of St Daryl the Apostate, takin with me my big bruvver Bosco - him wot is even more saved than Pop Francis - and my dere Anti Moly, wot is not at all saved and don't want to be. Bosco only goes along so that he can interrupt the preist by sayin "You is not saved, only I is saved," and Anti Moly just finds the church a conveneint place to slubmer peacefully once she has emptied her bottle of gin.

Bosco and me when we was kids. I is the one bein chaste.

So we gets into the church, and Fr Phil welcomes us at the door, sayin, "Ullo, Eccles, is you gay? If so, you gotta special welcome todday, cos that's what the Snyodd decided. Or if you is cohabitin and never got round to marryin, then Cradinal Nickles says that's wonderful, and he wishes all Cathlics was like you." I explaned that I is a saved pusson leadin a chased and cellybat lifestyle, though I got lotsa lady admirers on account of my handsome looks.

"And I gotta girlfriend," said Bosco. "She's called Camilla, and lives near the cemmetry. But she sleeps in the day time and only comes out a night."

"That's super," said Fr Phil. "We really values a vampair's lifestyle: they has a lot to contribute. I must invite her round for a bite one evenin."

Who is I to judge this lady's lifestyle?

"Now, how about you, Anti Moly? Is you perchance a lebsian? You is one of the few women round here whose name aint been linked with that of Bishop Keiran Corny."

My dere anti explaned that on the contrary, she had many years ago been deeply in love with a young Austrialan student called Goerge Pell, wot had jumped into a billaboing to avoid her unwanted attentoins. Later he became a preist, and is now a cradinal, but we is sure that secretly he regrets not tyin the knott with Anti Moly.

"Got that? If Anti Moly gets near, shoot on sight."

"Well you ain't no fun, is you?" said Fr Phil in disgust. "It's a two-way process, you know. If you wants the fatted claf and the lovvin welcome as a sinner, you gotta do some interestin sins wot we can admire. Remember the prodigious son's elder bruvver didn't get nuffink."

"I got into a fight wiv some nuns last night," said Bosco hopefully. "I was tellin them rotten critters they wasn't saved, when they started beatin me up. Wot's more, one of em nuns cut my leg up wiv a broken bottle, and I had to have stitches."

Training for a re-match with Bosco next Friday night.

"You ain't been paying attentoin," said Fr Phil grumpily. "It was a Snyodd on the Fambly, and that means SEX. We aint interested in people what does greivous boddily harm, or shopliftin, or other non-sexaul sins. Now clear off, the lotta you."

Makin my peas wiv Anti Moly

As you saw on de previuos blogg, I was very cross wiv Anti Moly for sayin dat dere was SEX on dis blogg. But bein a holy and saved persson, I decidded to forgiv her. So I got her a peas offerin, some luvvly flowers. Well we aint got many flowers in de gardden, but I picked her a bunch of luvvly homlocks and netles, its de thuoght what counts. It aint easy to find it in de Bibble but I is sure dat Jessus would have done de same if his Anti had been mean to Him.

Den I took dem flowers to her room, and was startin a speech I had preppared, viz "Anti Moly we is all God's creetures, and dat includdes you who aint saved and who is gonna end up in de lake of fire. Sorry if I is bein a bit tactless in mentionnin dis rihgt now. My hart is pure and I has forgivven you your wikced libbles about my blogg."
But I didnt get dat far, as she snatched de flowers from me wiv a cry of "Lunch! At last!" and gobled dem down.

I finks we is freinds agin now, and I took Spot de dog for a walk, he's a good dog, but when you throws sticks for him, you has to throw three of dem, or else de three heads (Micky, Rutzi and Rofls) starts to fihgt. Anyways, Anti Moly says he prefers bons.
"Where does I get bons?" I asked Anti.
Anti Moly said, "Ask de bucther for some bons, or else de undertakker."
I went to see de bucther and he said "I'll save some bons for you, Eccles."
"Dat can't be rihgt," I repplied. "If dey is alreddy bons, den it's too late for dem to be saved. Pastor Vermicelli told me dat." Some poeple just dont understannd evangellical thoelogy.

Anyways, Bosco is behavin very stranggely after bein bitten by Camila. He has ordered a wooden box and says he wants to sleep in it all day.

Dat may seem lazy, but Bosco says dat he will go out at nihgt and save passers-by, so I guess it's OK.

Eccles and Bosco is pure

I is very cross wiv Grate-Anti Moly, cos she has been spreddin rumors about me. She told her frends dat my luvvly blogg was full of SEX. Dat aint nice, Anti Moly, cos I is pure in hart and I has been saved. Likewise if you looks at Bosco's blogg you will see dat he never mentions SEX on it. He dont even know what de word means, we was both away when dey did dat in shcool.

We got all sorts of pevrets singing into my blogg now and leavin nasty messages. I fink dat Anti Moly told dem dat it was de place to come for pornorgaphy and dey was dissapointed.

Dis Moly is my own flesh and bludd, viz Mom's Anti who was bannished to Austriala and escapped to visit us. If she weren't our fambly, I would be phonin dem pollite and courtoeus laywers, Cutley, Butley and Mutley, to help me soo her for libble. I gotta reputtation to deffend, I is workin hard as a Telegrahp Muddlerator over de summer. Bosco aint gotta reggular job, but he got a key positoin in soceity as a part-time Calumny Chappel Sundy School Teecher, Kid-dissciplinarrian, Nun-torturrer, Cement Dove-polisher, and Buoncer. Also he is repsonsible for our Mission to Save de Cathlics, althuogh he aint got very far wiv dat.

Dis is my laywer, bein kissed by an angle becuase he is saved. Anti Moly you libbles me at your perril.

Well, Bosco got into deep trubble wiv Camila Van Pyre his reggular girlfiend, after he went out to a big dinner wiv an acktress who told him her name was Hilda (dis was explaned last time). Camila came round and screemed at him "Dubble-dealin two-timin crettin!"
Anti Moly chimed in wiv screeches of "Sockpoppet!"
We got a tellephone call from de neihgbours complainin about de niose "If dat's de Calumny Chappel Chior Practise, cuold you do it more queitly?" dey said. "But de quallity of your chorral signing is sure gittin better." Dey is reely dubm we doesnt sign any hynms about Cathlics bein dubble-dealin two-timin crettins, except at funnerals.

Bosco he got cross and said "Bite me!" and dat was not a good move, as Anti Moly's 3-headed dog (we is callin him Spot now) gave him some nasty wuonds in de leg, and Camila bit Bosco in de thraot. I gotta nasty feelin about dis, Bosco.

Here is a touchin romantic pitcher of Bosco and Camila.

Bosco gotta see a dentist tomorrow, his teef seems to be growin suddenly. Also he refussed to eat de garlic bread we had wiv our dinner. Dey say dat cupples start to ressemble each uvver, and I fink Bosco is adopttin some of de habbits of Camila Van Pyre.

Bosco in love

Bosco's girlfiend, Camila, wot lives near de cemettery, came round to see us last nihgt. She says she used to be a Cathlic, but den she got bitten by evanggelism. We oferred her a drink and she asked "Does you perchance has any blud?" Dis aint part of our ussual ciusine, but lukcily Anti Moly had a bottle handy, she says dat someone came round while we was out who looked like he mihgt be a Cathlic. I fink it is best to ask no questions here, at least we has got some refreshmeant for Camila. We also offerred Bosco’s beautiful lady a jiucy stake but she was offendded, I dont know why. Bosco adorres her, and everyone sez she is just the sort of person to clam him down a little when he gets wild.

Dis is Camila and a wooden bed she sleeps in, it is a luvvly photo.

After his award from "Pervo Times", Bosco's blogg have gained him another prize, dis time from de Dawkins foundation wot is run by a grate scholar in Oxford who got borred wiv playing with test tubes and took up thoelogy. Although stricly speaking dese peeple is athiests, and so hasnt been saved, dey is very sound when it comes to persecuttin Cathlics, so we regards dem as our bruvvers wiv just a few docktrinal diferrences. De award dis time is a luvly pair of St Boxo shorts, which my dere bruvver plans to ware on his head so dat everryone can see what kind of person he is.

I has been ticked off by Bosco for reveelin dat Damain Thopmson have converted to de Calumny Chappel, as dis is a seccret at present. Damain will continnue writing non-religgious blogs about Joanne Hairy until someone notice dat he is avoiddin de subject of de Cathlic church (frankly, he is scarred dat Cristinna Oddone will find out and beet him up, she’s a tuogh lady).

Bosco aint very popular wiv de Calumny Chappel right now, as he recenttly gave a Bibble class to de under-12s, and de hospital said dey was overworked as a result, viz. 6 broken noses, 8 broken arms, 4 cases of concusion, and one leg bitten off completelly. Well dem kids was nuaghty and Bosco had to disscipline dem nobody could objecct to dat. He told de little boys and girls dat dey would end up in de lake of fire, and dat dey would not be saved. He is a kind bruvver to me, and I can tetsefly dat he only does dese things in order to help peeple.

PS I found dis in de garden under Anti Moly's window, I fink it is someone who aint saved.

Bosco wins an award

De very excitin news today is dat Bosco have won an award from "Pervo Times". Dis aint a maggazine dat we reads in our household (usually, Bosco prefers de comics, and I is advancin on my spirritual journy by readin de Daily Telegrahp).

As anyone knows who have read Bosco's luvly blogg, he is very fond of postin pitchers of poeple dressed up as preists wot is kissin each other. I hasnt got the hart to tell him that dey aint reel preists, it is moddles panderin to de fantassies of sick poeple. Pastor Spaghetti of de Calumny Chappel says dat dere is some sick poeple in de Cathlic churhc, but frankly none of dem is as weird as my dere bruvver Bosco. I hasnt got de hart to say dat to Bosco, neither.

De Pervo Times poeple did say dat dere was one photo on Bosco's blogg dat was too kinky even for dere reeders, it was labelled "Pic of my girlfiend". Actaully Bosco aint gotta girlfiend, although dere was a very uggly girl once dat went on a date wiv Bosco on condition dat she could take along her duaghter, who was a Judo expert, to protect her. We managged to take a photo of her within de first 10 minutes, after which she ran away screemin.

Bosco is curently lookin for a reel girlfiend, he is in love wiv dis dame. She is very pretty but I fink her teef is too big (dont tell Bosco I said this).

She live somewhere near de cemeterry and is busy all day so we only sees her at night.

We is waitin for the award from "Pervo Times", which is a statue called Free Graces. I fink it's a bit kinky myself. Bosco gonna dress dem in cossacks and say dey is preists, den put it on his blogg.

De writin on de wall for Bosco

Well we'd better resumme de story of de mysteriuos writin on de wall. Someone wrote "Bosco, you aint saved" on de dinin room wall. Was it Jessus? Was it Anti Moly? Was it Fr Xavier Pell de Mons of de Cathlic church? Could it have been little bruvver Eccles (dat wuold be a clevver plot twist)?

Well, I started looking for finger prints, blood stanes, and scraps of tobbaco ash, like Sheerlock Homes wuold do. First I fuond Anti Moly sleepin sweetly under de tabble wiv 18 gin bottles. Next, I went to de tiolet, and on de wall I saw lots of interrestin grafitti wiv messages like "Cathlics is all dirty fagots and preverts", but I knew what dat was, it was just de first draft of Bosco's luvvly Christain blogg.

De briliant dettective Eccles was not to be thwatted, and in de end I worked out who it was by a deviuos strattegem, viz sayin out loud "Who dun that, eh?" One of de geusts turned out to be an imposter, he werent from de Lake Hellsinus Calumny Chappel at all, but from our grate rivvals de Lake Hellsapoppin Calvados Chapule. Dis is a scissmattic branch, wot have pervertted de teechins of our grate founder, St Chuck (whose statue we kisses each Sunday). De absurd herresies dey believe includes:

1. You gotta dress up as vampirres, not as clowns, to worsship de Lord.
2. Cathlicks is all dammed, but dey aint as bad as Musslims.
3. When convertin herretics who aint saved, dont use an axe but use a blunt instrumeant.
4. Worshippin iddles is bad, but Sabbaf-brakin is even worse, although you is allowed to do it on a Tuesday.

Dis is Pastor Lugosi of de herretical Calvados Chapule givvin de kiss of peace to a worhsipper. You can tell dey aint saved.

Dis is de way WE in de Calumny Chappel, de really saved ones, does de kiss of peace.

We is plannin a briliant coupp against dem Calvados herretics, just as soon as Bosco's concusion is better. De doctor said dat Bosco should take some tabblets, but I aint sure dat we gave him de the rihgt ones, he gone into de gardden wiv dem and is keeping de neihgbors awake wiv his shoutin.