How to be a Catholic

Many readers have written to me, saying, "I'm just an ordinary sort of guy, who would quite like to be a priest/Pope/President of the USA/lion-tamer/serial killer/celebrity chef and I feel it would improve my career possibilities if I were a Catholic. Can you help me?"

How many Catholics can you count in this photo?

Now, it is surprisingly easy to be a cradle Catholic, as Fr James Martin points out. First, your parents must own a cradle, and put you in it. Next, you are taken along to a church, and baptised in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. You can sleep through the whole sacrament, if you wish to.

Also, even some non-Catholic baptisms are valid (e.g. the Anglican version): the important thing is to get the form of words right, so that, for example, the following are invalid:

• Welcome to the Calumny Chapel, brother Bosco! You is now saved.
• We baptise you in the name of the great Pachamama.
• I bap... oh dear I've dropped little Jorge in the river. Watch out for those piranha fish!

Anyway, if you want to be a Catholic, and not have to worry about it again, then it's best to get a Catholic baptism. Otherwise you have to convert later, and Austen Ivereigh will describe you as "neurotic".

See? That was easy.

But how do I stop being a Catholic?

This is not as easy as it sounds. You can do almost anything you like, and nobody will turn a hair. Yes, yes, there is excommunication latae sententiae, and that even includes apostates, heretics, and schismatics, but nobody important is going to speak out and say you are no longer a Catholic (except for special cases such as Queen Elizabeth I).

Other things you can do to be excommunicated l.s. include hitting the Pope (so that Chinese girl was wise not to retaliate when he slapped her), and procuring an abortion (on the other hand, facilitating thousands of abortions is permitted). Watch out, if you are a bishop, as ordaining someone without permission is also an offence. It's not clear whether laymen can ordain people without permission.

Slapping heretics is allowed.

But let's be realistic, if Fr James Martin LGBTSJ and the blessed Joseph Biden are in no danger of excommunication, you can be Catholic in any way you like. Strictly speaking, Catholics should do saved person stuff once in a while - prayers, Mass, Confession, reading this blog, ... but you'd be surprised how many Top Catholics simply don't bother!

Pope Francis slaps an unwanted fan

It is reported that Pope Francis has slapped a strange Chinese person, I-va Ree, who grabbed the papal hand and refused to let go.

The event took place in St Peter's Square, where the Pope had been greeting pilgrims. Seeing I-va Ree, he turned away hastily, but the indomitable Chinaman insisted on holding his hand and shouting a slogan, which our experts insist was "Read my book!"

The moment when Pope Francis realized that he would have to slap I-va Ree.

Our theological correspondent Benny Dictus writes:

Violence is a well-established procedure in the Catholic Church, dating back to the time when Jesus slapped the sick woman who clutched his coat. Then, St Nicholas is celebrated for punching Arius, saying "I don't like your face, chummy! Ho ho ho!"

Nowadays, in a Novus Ordo Mass, anyone who attempts to continue the Sign of Peace too long - e.g. when the Agnus Dei has started - is liable to a good sloshing as well. So there is nothing unusual here.

The Sign of Peace, as performed by a Karate Master.

The Dictator Santa

The scandals surrounding Santa Claus show no signs of ending, and this week children were horrified to see that "Santa's Grotto" in the Rome branch of Vatico^TM featured a nude elf. Moreover, there were allegations of corruption at the North Pole, where Maradona the Gnome was rumoured to have had his hand of God in the till.

Did Santa really slap the heretic Fr James Arius SJ?

The public image of Santa Claus is of a perpetually cheerful man, and his recent exhortation Amo Risi Laetitiam ("I like the joy of laughter") contains many cheerful passages such as "Ho ho ho, ho ho ho" (ARL 1) and "I know if you've been bad or good, but if you've been bad don't worry, you'll still get Christmas presents" (ARL 351, Footnote). However, a new book The Dictator Santa suggests that behind his public image there lies a bad-tempered old curmudgeon who torments his reindeer and shouts at his elves.

How did Rudolph's nose get so red? Did Santa punch him?

At this most holy time of Santa Mass, we don't forget that the season has one true meaning - eat and drink too much, buy lots of expensive presents, and have a good time. So it seems churlish to attack the Holy Father Christmas, who symbolises everything that is important about December 25th.

Still, we should warn the faithful that questions are being raised about the leadership provided by the big man, and that something is rotten at the heart of the North Pole. Some say that the man who came down your chimney last night and kicked your cat is not to be trusted.

The College of Cardinals meets to elect a new Santa.

A happy Christmas to both my readers.

No Kiss of Peace for Eccles

Long-time readers of this blog will remember Fr Arthur, our local priest in good standing who takes very seriously the view that we are all sinners: indeed, for two pins he will give you a list of your sins, and, if he spots you in the confessional, will remind you of all the things you forgot to confess.

Fr Arthur has now recruited Deacon Marvin to help him, another man of pronounced likes and dislikes - mostly dislikes. On Sunday we had a hymn by Bernadette Farrell, "Christ, Be Our Light". It's not a completely bad hymn - it doesn't give me stomach cramps like "Shine, Jesus, Shine" or "Walk in the Light" do - but it reads more like a Guardian editorial than a hymn.

All music is equally valid, you see.

Now, you may remember that Mrs Farrell wrote a rather impudent piece in the Tablet, in which she concluded that all styles of worship were equally valid and that the composer James MacMillan was wrong to express dislike for the dross produced by Paul Inwood, Dan Schutte and Gerry Fitzpatrick. Somehow Deacon Marvin overheard a private conversation in which I criticised Bernadette's musical taste, and that set him off.

There's a point in the Novus Ordo Mass where we are encouraged to offer each other the sign of peace. Usually it is the deacon who says this particular exhortation, and what we got this Sunday was the following version "Let us now offer each other the sign of peace. Except for Eccles, who is revolting and unkind, a bitter and twisted old neverwas. Anyone who shakes hands with Eccles is not worthy." You could see the Christian love radiate from the deacon (and the steam coming out of his ears) as he said these charming words.

"We hates Eccles because he criticised Mrs Farrell."

Fr Arthur slapped the little deacon on the shoulder, as if to say "Good man," and so the Kiss of Peace went on without me. "Peace be with you." "Peace be with you." "Sorry, Eccles, you're an untouchable." "Peace be - oh, I've done you already, haven't I?" "Unhand me, sir!" "Ugh, you just sneezed in those hands." "Peace be with you." "Pax tecum." "Traddy pig!" "That makes twelve handshakes, I'm on a roll this week!" "I'm a Catholic, get me out of here!" "Bog off, Eccles." "Peace be with you."

Well, I never much liked the Kiss of Peace, and it is only an optional part of the Mass, one of those things that the Ghost of Vatican II slipped in when nobody was looking. And it is humbling once in a while to be told by a man in holy orders that he hates us.

St Nicholas gives Arius the "slap of peace".

Saint of the week - St Nicholas

Here's a little exercise for you. Can you identify the saints in this photo?

Obviously readers of this blog will have no trouble here, although most non-religious members of the general public will probably only identify the chap on the right. The lady on the left is of course St Mary, and she may even appear in a few remaining nativity plays, although, out of deference to the sensibilities of Muslims, atheists, etc. she is nowadays only allowed to hold a teddy-bear rather than the baby Jesus.

The chap in the middle? There's a clue in the keys, isn't there? Unlikely to be St Zita of Lucca, the patron saint of lost keys, as she was definitely female. Although in these days of gender-flexibility, who knows? Anyway, the answer of course is St Peter, the rock on whom the Church is said to be founded.

Which leaves number three, St Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus or even Father Christmas. Everyone knows him. People are even paid to impersonate him and sit in "Santa's Grotto" giving out toys around this time of year.

St Nicholas (15th March 270 – 6th December 343) was bishop of Myra. He is known for going "Ho! Ho! Ho!" and keeping company with elves who made toys. This is unusual for bishops, although there is perhaps an obvious exception (instead of elves, he has the St Patrick's Day Parade).

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" says Cardinal Dolan.

It is difficult to find many other bon mots attributable to the bishop of Myra. Some say that he used to ask people "Have you been naughty or nice this year?" - a function now partly taken by Cardinal Müller of the Inquisition. Another wise saying attributable to St Nicholas is "Come and sit on my knee, little girl, and tell me what you'd like for Christmas" - there is currently no bishop with this specific responsibility, as far as we could tell.

Myra is in Turkey, a rather warm place to find reindeer, and so the legend that its bishop used to drive around in a reindeer-drawn sleigh with jingling bells is disputed by scholars. One may expect to hear a certain hymn on Songs of Praise, which, in its original plainsong version, went something like this:

Let the bells jingle, for is it not pleasing to ride in an open sleigh that is drawn by a single horse?

All in a night's work for your bishop.

Thus it is possible that the bishop's "one horse" has been exaggerated into "eight reindeer", possibly including a ninth with a red nose. A historian's lot is not a happy one.

Well, that's all you really need to know, except that St Nicholas is remembered for various miracles - the one in which he squeezed himself down all the chimneys in Myra in a single night in order to leave gifts is perhaps the most famous, although there are others, such as the one about resurrecting three dead-and-pickled boys, which is a bit too gruesome for a blog like this.

Anyway, St Nicholas is appreciated by Christians and atheists alike, and that must be something of a miracle.

"I'm staying up all night in the hope of seeing Santa Claus."

New Hymns 3

Well, Advent is with us, the commercial impersonators of St Nicholas are in the shops, and the streets have been ringing with Christmas carols for about three months now. So we felt it appropriate to invite Charles Wesley here, to participate in an Eccles master-class on how Hark! The Herald Angels Sing could be adapted for modern worship.

Charles Wesley: willing to learn from modern hymn-writers.

Eccles: Charles, nice to see you here, today. I was at the Tablet Christmas party last week, and the guests joined in with a version of your hymn that began:

Hark! The Tina Beattie sings:
"Blame the Pope for everything!"

CW: Thanks for inviting me here, Eccles. In fact, my original version began:

Hark! How all the welkin rings:
Glory to the King of Kings,

so I'm quite used to people altering the words.

E: Alas, welkins have been done to death in that famous song Whelk, whelk, whelk in the light, by Damian Lundy.

A whelk in the light.

CW: So, in our improved version, shall we stick with Mendelssohn's tune? After all, it's the one used throughout the whole world.

E: Except in Portsmouth, apparently, where some local chap has got the hymn banned in favour of his own repertoire. Sing me a few lines, so that we can see what it's all about.

CW: Hark! The herald angels sing:
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled."

A herald angel, off duty.

E: Stop, stop, stop! I can see what you're doing wrong. You've got at least one new idea in each line, and none of them repeated. Why, Graham Kendrick would have started off with Hark, angels, hark and spun out the first line to a whole verse.

CW: It's good of you tell me this, Eccles. We can all learn from modern masters.

E: Let's give the Hark! motif more prominence. How about:

Hark, hark, hark! The angels sing.
Hark, hark, hark! The newborn King!
Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.
Hark, hark, hark! We're reconciled.

Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.

CW: I see, what you're doing there. Cutting out most of the theology and making sure the song is really about us, not God.

E: There's still something wrong, though. "Reconciled" won't do. It's a long word, and might distress the congregation.

CW: How about Hark, hark, hark! We won't go wild for the fourth line?

E: Yes, that's much better. The only way the song could be improved now would be by changing "Hark" to "Ho". Nobody says "Hark" these days, especially not post-Vatican II angels.

CW: So we arrive at the final version, which is much more Christmassy!

Ho, ho, ho! The angels sing.
Ho, ho, ho! The newborn King!
Ho, ho, ho! We're meek and mild.
Ho, ho, ho! We won't go wild.

E: Perfect! Well, you can finish it off, Chazza.

"Ho, ho, ho!" The true message of Christmas.

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Earlier masterclasses: John Henry Newman    King David.