A guide to Britain, part 2

Continued from Part 1.

In the first part of this "Guide for foreigners", we introduced various mostly well-known religious figures such as Queen Elizabeth and Richard Dawkins. This time we are focusing on three slightly less well-known people, who are nevertheless a regular source of entertainment and possible spiritual nourishment.

To put them in context, I decided to pair them with well-known Biblical characters that have clearly inspired them.

Dr Giles Fraser (L) and St Paul (R)

As well as being something of a Gollum lookalike, St Paul was a controversial figure, who upset many more traditional Christians with his radical views. His regular articles, entitled "Epistle to the Guardianistas" were full of unconventional teaching supporting same-sex "marriage". He was also known to think a deep thought once a day, and so his "Thought for the Day" was broadcast throughout 1st Century Judaea. Apart from being a full-time socialist, he was also regarded as a part-time religious figure.

The Blessed Virgin Mary (L) and Prof. Tina Beattie (R)

It is an established fact that Mary rejected the male-dominated hegemony of the early Church. "My Son was a celibate male, and so He got things off on the wrong foot straight away," she regularly complained. Mary was a very learned woman, directing the Institute for Religion, Society and Human Flourishing [or "having a good time"] at the University of Galilee. Unfortunately her extreme views meant that several bishops refused to have anything to do with her, although she maintained all her life that she was a Catholic.

Paul Inwood (L) and King David (R)

King David is mainly remembered as a lyricist, providing the words and music to the memorable psalms "Alleluia Ch-Ch" and "Prepare the way of the Lord, Moo-oo-oo, Moo-oo-oo". His music sold many copies in dioceses along the south coast, and can still be found in some hymn books. He bitterly resented re-translations of the traditional liturgy. It is said that David danced before the Lord wearing a linen ephod: no wonder Nathan the prophet was sent to tell him of God's extreme wrath.

The latest in linen ephods.

Saint of the week - St Nicholas

Here's a little exercise for you. Can you identify the saints in this photo?

Obviously readers of this blog will have no trouble here, although most non-religious members of the general public will probably only identify the chap on the right. The lady on the left is of course St Mary, and she may even appear in a few remaining nativity plays, although, out of deference to the sensibilities of Muslims, atheists, etc. she is nowadays only allowed to hold a teddy-bear rather than the baby Jesus.

The chap in the middle? There's a clue in the keys, isn't there? Unlikely to be St Zita of Lucca, the patron saint of lost keys, as she was definitely female. Although in these days of gender-flexibility, who knows? Anyway, the answer of course is St Peter, the rock on whom the Church is said to be founded.

Which leaves number three, St Nicholas, also known as Santa Claus or even Father Christmas. Everyone knows him. People are even paid to impersonate him and sit in "Santa's Grotto" giving out toys around this time of year.

St Nicholas (15th March 270 – 6th December 343) was bishop of Myra. He is known for going "Ho! Ho! Ho!" and keeping company with elves who made toys. This is unusual for bishops, although there is perhaps an obvious exception (instead of elves, he has the St Patrick's Day Parade).

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" says Cardinal Dolan.

It is difficult to find many other bon mots attributable to the bishop of Myra. Some say that he used to ask people "Have you been naughty or nice this year?" - a function now partly taken by Cardinal Müller of the Inquisition. Another wise saying attributable to St Nicholas is "Come and sit on my knee, little girl, and tell me what you'd like for Christmas" - there is currently no bishop with this specific responsibility, as far as we could tell.

Myra is in Turkey, a rather warm place to find reindeer, and so the legend that its bishop used to drive around in a reindeer-drawn sleigh with jingling bells is disputed by scholars. One may expect to hear a certain hymn on Songs of Praise, which, in its original plainsong version, went something like this:

Let the bells jingle, for is it not pleasing to ride in an open sleigh that is drawn by a single horse?

All in a night's work for your bishop.

Thus it is possible that the bishop's "one horse" has been exaggerated into "eight reindeer", possibly including a ninth with a red nose. A historian's lot is not a happy one.

Well, that's all you really need to know, except that St Nicholas is remembered for various miracles - the one in which he squeezed himself down all the chimneys in Myra in a single night in order to leave gifts is perhaps the most famous, although there are others, such as the one about resurrecting three dead-and-pickled boys, which is a bit too gruesome for a blog like this.

Anyway, St Nicholas is appreciated by Christians and atheists alike, and that must be something of a miracle.

"I'm staying up all night in the hope of seeing Santa Claus."

The laws of Christianity

With the news that the Vatican is to have its own cricket team, it is clear that some readers would appreciate a handy cut-out-and-throw-away guide to the game of Christianity.

The laws of cricket, however, are well known.

1. In the game of Christianity, there are two teams, called the saints and the sinners.

2. The team of sinners is much larger than the team of saints, and beginners will usually start there. This is called original sin.

Howzat? An original sinner.

3. The object of the game is for the sinners to become saints. The saints will help this, but other sinners will try and prevent this.

4. Declaring one's innings closed is considered bad form, although not against the laws of the game. Causing someone else's innings to end is more serious, and the party responsible loses the game.

5. At various stages in the game a "tempter" will run up and attempt to get past a player's guard. Points are scored for batting away such attacks.

6. The player who is batting has a variety of scoring shots available, all with technical names such as praying, fasting, alms-giving, etc.

7. A cry of "Alleluia!" or "'Owzat?" will greet the end of an innings.

8. There is a Trinity of umpires. Two of these are out on the field, but one is pavilioned in splendour and girded with praise. Their decision is final.

The pavilion at Lourdes cricket ground.

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Meanwhile, as the Vatican decides whether to recognise the controversial events at Medjugorje as apparitions of the Virgin Mary, it has been asked to adjudicate on another controversial event.

Probably NOT Mary.

According to a part-time mystic, Brother Eccles, he was on holiday in the village of Muddlejorge, when he awoke from a doze to see an old lady in the room with him, smelling of gin. She screamed "WOEFUL!" at him, hit him over the head with a bottle, and then herself fell to the floor and started snoring. Eccles blacked out for a while, and when he regained consciousness, the lady had vanished.

A Vatican spokesman said: "As in the case of Medjugorje, this is totally unlike the apparitions of the Virgin Mary that we have so far accepted - Lourdes, Fatima, Walsingham, etc. - in both the appearance and the message of the alleged apparition. However, 'Woeful!' is probably a good rendering of Mary's views of the current state of the world, so perhaps it was a genuine apparition after all. Who knows?"

Eccles's Auntie Moly was unavailable for comment.

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Finally, the Vatican has withdrawn a papal medal where the name "JESUS" was misspelt as "LESUS".

I blame the Lesuits.

In fact, this is not the first time that J and L have been confused in religious circles. In the first century, in an attempt to appease the Romans, St John wrote "God is Jove". However, this was transcribed as "God is Love", and we have had to live with the consequences ever since.

Eccles Boycott Day

It has not escaped our attention that this blog is not universally loved.

Eccles Boycott.

The problem is that we don't show respect to the vain and proud: this naturally grates with the vain and proud community. Also we attempt to make jokes (sometimes not very good ones), which offend the humourless community. St Mary had the same problem: compose a Magnificat in which you claim that God puts down the mighty from their seats, and you get hate mail from the mighty, claiming that they will certainly hold their seats at the next election.

Mighty indeed - but is his seat in danger?

Now, if you are in a high-profile position and call yourself a Catholic, while putting forward doctrines that are simply heretical, then Eccles may poke fun at this fact. If you are an atheist who spends his life attacking religions and their adherents, you may just get a little prod in return. As a politician, enact legislation which is an attack on Christian values, and this will be pointed out. If you are aggressive but patently absurd, then the best way to counter you is by mockery? No?

No. Let's attack Eccles's blog. Oh look, someone has recommended one of his posts. DO THEY KNOW that 4 months ago some idiot posted a nasty comment on the thread below his blog, which Eccles deleted the same day? This proves that Eccles is a nasty "Bernard Manning" type, who does not scruple to curse and swear, who is racist and sexist, and who probably eats babies.

Eccles's lunch.

Oh look, someone on Twitter has set up a "mock-puppet" parody account. That must have been Eccles, as he does parodies on his blog occasionally. Admittedly it doesn't SOUND like Eccles, but then he is a master of all styles and all languages - in his spare time he no doubt runs a Korean parody account mocking Kim Jong-un.

"It may not sound like Eccles, but I've got an ear for these things."

Eccles has written a post pointing out the absurd attempts by journalists to pigeon-hole the new pope: let's tell everyone it was an attack on Pope Francis! Throw mud at Eccles, you know it makes sense!

So let's make today Eccles Boycott Day. Don't read his blog, and harass anyone who tries to. All right?

Royal Baby Watch

Well, excitement is certainly mounting here in Bethlehem, with news that St Mary is expected to give birth to a royal baby within the next few hours.

Exclusive picture of the royal baby.

We interviewed Mary a few hours ago, when she arrived at the "Jolly Shepherds" inn, and booked into their luxurious Stable Suite.

So Mary, you must be feeling very excited by the prospect of giving birth. Have you thought what you might call your baby?

Yes, we're fairly definite that we'll call him Jesus.

A nice name. And what if it turns out to be a girl?

Let's just say that we'll be very surprised.

Now you won't have the services of a midwife, but I see that you have an ox and an ass standing by to help with the delivery?

Expert medical help on its way to the inn.

Yes, the NHS had nobody else available tonight. It's the Christmas season you know, and lots of people are on holiday.

Now, I'm told that the Royal Baby will be a king. Do you think that this will change your life at all?

Yes, I'm fairly sure it will (...being St Mary she doesn't say "moron" or even think it...) Indeed, it will probably change all our lives.

We've been told that there is a group of Magi on their way to Bethlehem. Indeed, they seem to have caused something of a traffic jam, having got lost in the one-way system.

This SatNav is useless. The star was much better!

Yes, I expect they're on their way to see us. Also some shepherds are likely to be dropping round for tea later.

How about Prime Minister David Herod? I hear that he is anxious to meet your child, too.

No, unfortunately we probably can't stay around for that. We have a flight to Egypt booked.

St Mary, thank you very much.

Well we'll keep you in touch with regular broadcasts and Tweets from Bethlehem, but now back to the studio where we are interviewing the Astronomer Royal about a mysterious star that has just appeared in the sky.

The Astronomer Royal is baffled.

Enda gets a knock.

Over now to Knock in Ireland, the site of the National Marian Shrine: and we have a most unusual pilgrim at the airport.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Enda. Enda who? Enda Life.

Eccles: We are indeed fortunate today to have a visit from that most pious of Catholics, Enda Life, the Teashop of Ireland. Especially at a village known for its shrine to the Blessed Virgin Mary, a woman who carried Jesus in her womb and spent 9 months complaining about it. Good morning, Enda. What are your thoughts on arriving at this sacred place?

Enda: Well, I was thinking that the way to solve Ireland's problems is to bring in liberal abortion laws. As a faithful Catholic, I know that this was something very dear to the heart of Mary.

Mary, a figure who has greatly influenced Enda Kenny.

Eccles: Have you discussed this with a priest? If you ask Cardinal Brady politely, he may just be prepared to grant you an interview. I gather that his views are somewhat different.

Enda: Look, am I or am I not allowed to decide for myself what Mary would have wanted? Isn't the Massacre of the Innocents a great Catholic feast?

Eccles: Well, not exactly. You may have got that slightly wrong.

Enda: The great thing about abortion is that it can be used to cure all sorts of unrelated illnesses. Got an infection? Have an abortion. Got a boil on your backside? Have an abortion. Got an ingrowing toenail? Have an abortion. Feeling depressed by the most recent episode of Downton Abbey? Have an abortion.

The Witch of Enda urges Saul to bring in abortion legislation.

Eccles: What if I'm not pregnant?

Enda: Oh just kill a random baby. It doesn't much matter whose. We call it "the protection of life."

St Mary leaves Twickenham

Following the resignation of Prof. Eamon Duffy from the position of honorary fellow of St Mary's University College, Twickenham, it now turns out that an even more eminent person, the Blessed Virgin Mary, has decided to end her association with the trouble-ridden college.

St Mary's Chapel - a fine example of 1960s "crematorium" architecture.

The resignation of St Mary came initially in a private revelation to Bishop Caterpillar, the chairman of the governors; it has now been confirmed by miraculous means, in that all documents and signs pertaining to the college now appear without the name of St Mary.

The college, as it now presents itself to the world.

The crisis is said to have originated with the proposed merger between the academically impressive School of Theology, Philosophy and Art, and the academically less impressive School of Juggling, Tap-Dancing and Fire-Walking. It came to a head when Dr Anthony Towie was escorted off the campus by security.

According to Dr Towie: "I was giving my usual lecture on the Continuing relevance of Dei Verbum as matrix of revelation for Catholic Theology, when I was interrupted by cries of 'Why aren't you tap-dancing?' It seems that these days the college is phasing out degrees in theology, which tend to lead to badly-paid jobs in religious institutions, in favour of more marketable skills such as juggling, which can lead to celebrity on television programmes. I argued in vain that one of our brightest alumni had once appeared on The Z-factor, a religious talent show hosted by the great Father Z."

An alternative to hermeneutics.

Bishop Caterpillar has defended the plan to merge STPA with SJTDFW, saying that Vatican II had explicitly authorized the use of jugglers, tap-dancers and fire-walkers in Novus Ordo Masses, and so such creative arts may be regarded as a paradigm for religious worship.

In the absence of St Mary, the college is now looking for a new sponsor. One saint long associated with dancing, who may be available, is St Vitus; thus we may soon be referring to St Vitus's University College.

The man who will save Twickenham?

Bad hymns 3

 Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is the Pentecost hymn Enemy of Apathy by John L. Bell and Graham Maule. As usual, we invited the authors to come along and explain themselves.

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E: Welcome, the two of you. Since your hymn isn't as well-known as some of the others we have been discussing, perhaps you could sing the first verse to us?

JLB and GM: She sits like a bird, brooding on the waters, 

Hovering on the chaos of the world's first day; 

She sighs and she sings, mothering creation, 

Waiting to give birth to all the Word will say.

E: Thank you. So who is "she" in this context? In the office we were betting that it was either Mary Magdalene or possibly an Old Testament figure such as Eve, Sarah or Ruth. Not the Blessed Virgin Mary, given that you are being so rude about her?

JLB: Rude?

E: "She sits like a bird." Now, birds sit in lots of different ways. Do you mean she sits like a chicken? A penguin? A duck?

Sitting like a duck.

GM: Well, "she" is the Holy Spirit, so I suppose we should have said "She sits like a dove."

E: The Holy Spirit? Well, if you want to say the Holy Spirit is female, then I suppose we can't stop you, even if there's no real Biblical authority for this idea.You're not Wiccans, are you? Mother Earth Goddess stuff? No?

JLB: No. Well, yes. But not really.

E: Now, we were wondering  about the next line. "Hovering on the chaos of the world's first day." Very fine, but how does a bird sit and hover at the same time?

GM: You're going to ask us next how a dove sighs and sings at the same time, too, aren't you?

E: Well, I was wondering. Actually, the song reminds me a little of Gilbert and Sullivan. Some of your clunkier phrases later on, such as "Nourishing potential hidden to our eyes" or "Enemy of apathy and heavenly dove" could be taken straight out of The Mikado, couldn't they?

JLB: No.

GM: Did you like "She dances in fire, startling her spectators"? I wrote that bit. That's real poetry, that is.

E: Of course, spectators would be startled to see anyone dancing in fire. Do birds dance though? I think you've got a bit of a metaphor overload problem there.

She dances in fire.

GM: He's not taking this seriously, is he, John?

JLB: No. (Exeunt.)

E: John L. Bell and Graham Maule, thank you for coming along to explain your song.

Conservations in hopsital

Well, floods of messagges for Bosco has bin commin in from well-wishers. Indeed, de Calumny Chappel had a collection for a pressent for him, and raised 35 cents and ten rossary beads as a token of de respeck dey has for him. Here is my big bruvver manfully bearin up in de face of de wuonds inflicted on him by de nunns.

Well Bosco is bein kept under seddation, and in de hopsital dey is asked not to mention de followin prhases, which sets him off:

* Cathlics.
* De Pop.
* Cemment iddles.
* Bosco's scarlet and purple pajamas.
* Gold cups.
* Gravven images.
* St Mary.
* St Peter.
* Love de neihgbour.
* Well, anything at all religious, reely.

Bosco have become very dificult to talk to, because he aint very well. When I starts a conservation he dont listen, but just reeches for his iPadd and starts downloadin wise words from the Internett in responsse. For example.

Eccles: De Telegrahp wants de stateu of St Cristina back dat you won as a prize, Bosco, dey sez dey sent de wrong one, dat one was kissed by Damain Thopmson, and have been pinin for him ever since, I'll git it wraped up and sent off when I gits home.

Bosco (reading): We can reveel dat World War II was started by Pop Pious 12, cos he wanted to send his tanks into Russia, after Stallin had taken over his drugg business. At de same time in Enggland Carddinal Hinsley sent a hit squad to Irreland to murder de poet W.B. Yates.

Eccles: Dat's nice, Bosco. Anti Moly's got aressted for screemin in a graveyard at midnihgt, even thuogh it's part of her job. Some of de corppses fought it was de Last Trumpp and started poppin up. De cops releesed her, but dey told her to give up de gin and said dat sherry mihgt be better at her age.

Bosco (reading): We can recognisse de Anti Christ cos in de Bibble it is prediccted dat he will come from Germanny and have de initials JR. He will later adopt a false name beginnin with B and go and live in Rome, he will wear a fishy hat and someone will giv him a pair of red shoes. When he appears rememmber to put on cleen underware as de battle of Armagibbon will be startin.

Eccles: Foine, dat's foine, Bosco. Damain Thopmson sez dat Proffesor Tina Beattie is gonna lecher on Lummen Genttium in a catheddral, woss Lummen Genttium Bosco is it some sort of French perfumme?

Bosco (readin): It wasnt until 2008 dat de Cathlic church stopped burnin poeple who didnt buy a cement iddle to put in dere huose to worshipp. It is a scientiffic fact dat de averagge hieght of de humman race has gone down since 1992, when de Cathlic church stopped stretchin poeple on de rack. Stepphen Fry says dat he was origginally only about 5 feet tall but he was torchered on de rack as a young man because he owned a Bibble and now he is 6 feet 5 inches tall.

Eccles: Oh I gives up.

I would ask my bruvver Bosco's advise on dis pitcher of an iddle but he is indispossed at pressent.

Perrhaps he will soon be abble to take his rihgtful place in soceity agin.

A new recriut

Bosco and me is very excitted today, as we got an e-mail from Damain Thompson. I will summarize what he said. In case you dont guess, dis is his message in my own words, as dey is easier to understand.

"Dear Bosco and Eccles, I has decided to stop bein a Cathlic, as de arguments from bruvver Bosco is so powerfull dat nobody can resist dem. You may already have geussed dat, since I has stopped postin bloggs on Cathlic issues, and is instead cuttin and pastin silly comments from Twiter about Ruppert Mudroch.

So from now on I is de enemy of Vincent Nickles, Kierran Conray, Arthur Rochhe, and de rest of dem pesky bishops in de Magic Circus. Dat includes Mary O' Conti and de others in Scottland. Dese folk can no longer expect me to say how devout and holly dey is. I has seen thruogh dem. Dey will be cricketised remorzelessly. To start off I is gonna write a blogg on dis controversial topic: 'Kierran Conray wears silly shirts'. I is expectin Paul Preist (On De Side Of De Angles) to come in with 1000 words on dis topic, tellin me I is a fool, but dis is a martydrom dat I must bear.

I aint sure about de Pop yet, I fink I will just tell peeple he is German, dats gonna shock em.

I is also gettin rid of my iddles and relicks, de statue of de Verger Mary have been frown in de bin, dis is what Jessus wants me to do. Also de lock of hare of Pop Jhon-Paul II wot I pinched when nobody was lookin, dat has been fed to de Daley Telegrapph's pet goat.

From now on, I wants to be saved like you, Bosco and Eccles, and I is gonna write a blogg in a totally different style, probbably modellin it on Bosco's luvvly writins.

Of course as a member of de Calumny Chappel I aint gonna stop bein a bloody crazy ferrett, and Pastor Redlight and de others is gonna have to watch out for my feirce condamnations of dere herresies. I only doin it to help save dere soles.

Yours sincerely,
Bruvver Damain of de Calumny Chappel."

So dere we have it. As it says in de Bibble, Rome is de horse of Babbleon, and noboddy can be saved unless dey is born agin.

I will come back to our own personal affairs soon. Here is de sort of service dat awiats Damain now dat he is saved.

And here are de Cathlics expressin dere greif at losin Damain.

Maybe I got de pitchers confussed. Who knows?

Prayers for de sick

Ullo dere Bosco my darlin bruvver, let us ressume de storry of Grate-Ant Molly’s visit. Bosco and me, we had decided to go to de Calumny Chappel for a speshul service of intersession, cos dere is a lot of very sick peoples in de neihgborhood, and we likes to pray for dem. For exapmle, dere is:

1. A pliceman wot was atacked by a scropion (dat's what dey calls Alfie, de pussy cat dat Bosco gave me), and he is in a comma. De pliceman I mean, not Alfie, who has run away and probbably aint in a comma.
2. A little boy who I gave one of dem assenic sweeties dat Bosco buoght for me, and has now got teribble stomahc ache. Maybe he ate somethin bad.
3. A young lady what was walking past our house and was hit by a crossbow bolt wot came frew de winder. Actaully I was lucky cos it was fired by Bosco and very naerly hit me his darlin little bruvver. Bosco says dat I shuoldnt mention this.

Life sure is dangerous in our street. Lukcily I has my bruvver Bosco to look after me.

Dere was also gonna be de usaul prayers dat we does, viz "Oh God please smite de Pop and give him toothahce cos he aint saved and he needs to be tuaght a lesson cos he's still burnin all dem what aint Cathlics. Please also do somefink about de nasty funguss dissease wot Bosco got, even though you cant see it when he's got his clothes on. Hopes you is havin a good time in Heaven, dont let Mary boss you around. Love Eccles, what has been saved, as you may have seen on his blogg. Amen."

We asked Grate-Ant Molly if she would like to come. She said she didnt believe in god or gods, but she would come along and bring her lapptop, as she wanted to write some pungennt cricketism of her enemas. "Has you got enemas, Anti?" asked Bosco. "Who are dey? Let me bite em on my luvvly blogg."

"Dey is everyone on de Damain Thopmson blogg," reply my darlin Anti. "Dey is all fanattical Catlics and sockpopes, except for you, dere Bosco and Eccles, and one or two uvvers like de man who is recoverin from a kick from his pet lama and a famous novellist wot is very pious and writes a blog about how horrid his children are. My enemas has even been mockin me, a laddy of advannced years who has led a very interrestin life. I has to spend all my wakking hours on dis blogg or dey will get de better of me."

However, Great-Anti Molly changed her mind about chruch when we explaned dat we was also gonna sing hynms in de Calumny Chappel, e.g. "Shine on me, and don't shine on de Cathlics". She says she likes Yakety-Sax but I dont fink dat's one of our hynms. So we found her anuvver botle of gin, and she settled down to catch up on her bloggin.It reely ainy much trubble havin Grate-Anti Molly wiv us, except dat gin is expensive.

Dey named a drink after our Grate-Ant, and here it is.

Bosco's new vestmeants

Ullo Bosco my dear bruvver, how is your head now? You see we went to de Calumny Chappel on Sundy mornin to here Pastor Izemilk preech on "Is your money saved?" Dey is doin rennovations where de local nuns smashed in de chappel door, and dere was a sign saying "Mind your head". We all ducked as we went in except for Bosco who refusses to bow to anyfink, and he smashed is head. Luckilly its pretty sollid, Mom says I is de one wiv all de branes of de fambly.

Well, we continues wiv our Bibble classes wiv Father X. O’ Cise, who is feelin much better but still carries a big stick just in case Bosco gits too enfusiastic. Todday we had de storry of Jessus turning water into wine, it don’t make a grate deal of sense as dere was dis dame Mary his muvver who told him to do it, dats just bossy innit? All de geusts got drunk and went and beet up de begars in de street. It don’t actaully say dat in de Bibble but dats what Bosco and me does at parties.

De Cathlics have recomendded a special vestmeant for Bosco when he goes to de Bible classes, dat must be a mark of favvor. Here is a pitcher of Bosco in de clerrical vestmeants, dey has sleeves dat fasten at de back.