Beatitudes for popes

Since Pope Francis has kindly produced eight modern non-rigid Vatican-II compatible platitudes beatitudes for bishops (yes, really), we felt it would be helpful to produce a similar set for the use of popes. It may be regarded as the latest in our "How to be a good pope" series.

1. Blessed is the pope who makes poverty and sharing his lifestyle: this could include spending his humble wealth on financing lewd films, or perhaps speculating in the property market. For with his witness he is building the kingdom of Heaven, or at least some very nice apartment blocks.

For sale. One infallible owner. Cash only.

2. Blessed is the pope who does not fear to water his face with tears, or if he cannot manage this, at least does not fear to scowl a lot. His face will mirror the sorrows of the people, which may mysteriously seem much worse these days.

3. Blessed is the pope who considers his ministry a service and not a power, who serves his flock by stamping out old-fashioned forms of Catholic worship. He will inhabit the land promised to the meek (having first kicked out the meek).

4. Blessed is the pope who does not close himself in the palaces of government, who welcomes visitors with Dubia to ask, or those with severe reservations about the state of the Church in distant oriental countries. For he will become a Zen master. [Is this what you meant to say? A. Spadaro.]

Welcoming the pilgrim.

5. Blessed is the pope who has a heart for the misery of the world, who is not scandalized by the sin and fragility of those such as Uncle Ted who helped him get the job. For he too may need some powerful friends one day.

6. Blessed is the pope who wards off duplicity of heart, who avoids every ambiguous dynamic. Although for a Jesuit this may be impossible, so let's leave this one until later.

7. Blessed is the pope who works for peace, who accompanies the paths of reconciliation, who welcomes new religions, especially pagan ones. For Mother Earth will bless him as her son.

"Pachamama will be along later."

8. Blessed is the pope who for the sake of modernism does not fear to go against the tide, inventing new doctrines. For he knows that the Catholic Church must take a U-turn and go in a new direction every few years.

From the Sermon in the Plane.

"The tiger who came to Rome" condemned by activists

Critics have accused the classic novel "The tiger who came to Rome" by Austen Ivereigh, of sexism, encouraging violence against women, and reinforcement of liturgical inequality.

A shocking scene from the book.

The book tells the story of an exotic creature from South America which invites itself into an ordinary Catholic Church and promptly proceeds to devour everything in sight: the traditional Magisterium, the faith, and even some of the most-treasured liturgy.

Sexism is apparent in the book, since most of the tiger's friends are men (although over half are Jesuits, as a token gesture to LGBT equality). However, there are unpleasant scenes of liturgical bullying, as the Rome family discovers that all the liturgy has been chewed up by the creature.

Should our children be exposed to violent scenes like this?

The author, Austin Ivereigh, has denied that there is a darker meaning to the story, although many Catholics have found themselves unable to sleep at nights thinking of everything the tiger might do. "It's just a dumb animal," he says, "and it does what dumb animals have to do."

The Secret Life of Pope Francis

With humble apologies to James Thurber.

Greta Thunberg stood up on the podium. "I present to you Pope Francis, three times winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the Environment, twice winner of the Economics Prize for Vatican accounting, as well as the Nobel Theology Prize, the Nobel Prize for Literature, and the Nobel prize for Chemistry," she said.

"I now have pleasure in presenting him with the Greta Thunberg Medal for Saving the Planet. His pioneering work Laudato Si', which told us that plastic straws are melting the glaciers, cooking our food is killing the polar bears, and that our use of electric lights is causing the penguins to leave Greenland, contains all that we need to save the world."

Francis stood up and thanked Miss Thurnberg. "I am deeply humbled, as well as humble," he said. "As I have always preached, there is no problem with rioting, looting, and burning down shops, provided that you always plant a tree afterwards..."

Cardinal Parolin nudged the Holy Father, who came out of his daydream. "Shall we give up this year of Laudato Si' celebrations, your saintliness?" he asked. "It was hard enough spinning it out to one week, but a whole year of it will bore the chasubles off people. Especially with everything else that's going on."

Francis started. "Oh no!" he said. "Not until I have done my world tour to reduce CO₂ emissions..."

Air Ace "Red Baron" Bergoglio took his plane into a dive over Southampton. "Take that, British pigs!" he said. "Historically, the Isle of Wight has always been Argentinian!"

The war had continued for nearly forty years, but, thanks to the indomitable Bergoglio's Flying Circus, the British were now on the defensive. Malta had been conquered, and the evil dictator Matthew Festing sent to Boese Lager, a camp for dissidents. Now the war was in its final phase, and the Red Baron was ready to go in for the kill. PACHA-PACHA-MAMA-MAMA went his guns...

"We're coming into land, Holy Father," said glamorous air hostess Tina Beattie, giving the Pope a sudden nudge. "Could you return to your seat and fasten your seat belt please? The passengers are complaining that they've heard enough new doctrine for one day."

Pope Francis's reverie came to an end, and he returned to his seat, pushing past some journalists who were blocking his way.

"We now come to the main fight of the evening," came the announcement over the tannoy. "In the red corner, Jorge Bergoglio, the Terror of Buenos Aires, who worked his way up from being a humble nightclub bouncer. In the blue corner, Dr Wuhan Flu, known as the Chinese Pestilence, who has left a long trail of wounded. I want a clean fight, now, no gouging, spitting, kicking..."

The referee checked the contestants for concealed weapons, removed two small idols of Pachamama from Bergoglio's gloves, and started the fight. The Terror of Buenos Aires rushed out from his corner and - PACH! - he floored the poor Chinaman with a single blow..."

"Oh Heck," said Archbishop Gänswein. "You didn't have to slap that poor Chinese girl so hard. Now we're going to have to find an excuse..."

The ancient art of Papa-Slappa

As a public service to our readers, we shall explain the art of Papa-Slappa. This is the traditional Catholic form of self-defence, analogous to the Buddhists' Shaolin Kung-Fu, the Muslims' Allahu-Akbar, and the Anglicans' Wishee-Washee.

A Papa-Slappa white-belt master prepares to strike.

In the modern Catholic Church, all weapons are condemned, and so Jesu-i masters have developed techniques of self-defence known only to those Jesu-i knights who have reached the highest level. Rather than hitting each other with light sabers, the Jesu-is use Papa-Slappa to subdue their adversaries.

The basic technique is to lure the victim into a false sense of security, so that they believe they will receive a blessing, or at least that their petitions will be heard. Then WHOP! and they are left reeling.

A scene from Return of the Jesu-i featuring the robot MA55-1MO.

Traditionally the Swiss Guard have been armed with light sabers and other offensive weapons, but under the guidance of Jesu-i master O-be-goglio they have been asked to abandon these arms and train in the skills of Papa-Slappa instead. As we said at the Amazon synod, when worshipping wooden statues, "May the farce be with you!"

Another demonstration of Papa-Slappa is about to take place.

WARNING: Papa-Slappa is NOT a game. It is a martial art that requires years of practice and can cause serious injury (the Chinese lady in our first picture is currently convalescing in the St Nicholas home for wounded Catholics). Initiates should begin by practising with less aggressive martial arts, such as the Kissa-Peace, before attempting Papa-Slappa.

Pope Francis slaps an unwanted fan

It is reported that Pope Francis has slapped a strange Chinese person, I-va Ree, who grabbed the papal hand and refused to let go.

The event took place in St Peter's Square, where the Pope had been greeting pilgrims. Seeing I-va Ree, he turned away hastily, but the indomitable Chinaman insisted on holding his hand and shouting a slogan, which our experts insist was "Read my book!"

The moment when Pope Francis realized that he would have to slap I-va Ree.

Our theological correspondent Benny Dictus writes:

Violence is a well-established procedure in the Catholic Church, dating back to the time when Jesus slapped the sick woman who clutched his coat. Then, St Nicholas is celebrated for punching Arius, saying "I don't like your face, chummy! Ho ho ho!"

Nowadays, in a Novus Ordo Mass, anyone who attempts to continue the Sign of Peace too long - e.g. when the Agnus Dei has started - is liable to a good sloshing as well. So there is nothing unusual here.

The Sign of Peace, as performed by a Karate Master.