Pope Francis joins the Climate Strike

After a fruitful meeting with 10-year-old activist Greta Thunberg, Pope Francis has eagerly agreed to take part in the Climate Strike.

Although he refuses to speak to his own cardinals, such as Burke and Brandmüller, the Holy Father has joined the Gretamania Cult, which has seen the 9-year-old superhero meet such eminent people as John Bercow, Jeremy Corbyn, and Donald Trump. No, not Donald Trump, although Joe Biden has offered to stroke her hair.

Curiously, 8-year-old Greta is not the shortest person from whom Pope Francis has ever taken advice - that honour goes to Austen Ivereigh.

"Climate science is so simple a 7-year-old child could understand it. Fetch me a 7-year-old child, as I can't make head nor tail of it."

So what results shall we see from the Pope's conversion to the movement? He has already vowed to glue himself to the High Altar of St Peter's, unless the Vatican reduces its carbon emissions to zero with immediate effect (it should still be possible to offer masses without treading on him). Moreover, Francis will no longer be working on Fridays, but will spend them sitting in a pink boat in St Peter's Square with distinguished scientist Emma Thompson (who is on her way in a private jet plane). Nobody is sure why.

"The Holy Father is backing me!"

Sadly, there are other unfortunate side-effects of the Pope's Laudato Si' ad absurdum approach. The Swiss Guard will be asked to jettison their new plastic helmets (which turned out to be ineffective against battle-axes, as the late Sergeant Emmenthal and Corporal Gruyère discovered to their cost when they tried sparring), in favour of low-carbon steel helmets.

Likely to get into the oceans and trap the heads of dolphins.

As 6-year-old Greta continues her world tour, we learn that she is soon to star in a remake of the Sound of Music, singing classic songs such as "Raindrops on roses cause acid rain damage" and "Ray, a drop of golden sun burning up the planet" to new settings by Marty Haugen. We wish her well.

5-year-old Greta in rehearsals.

Bishop accused of a luxury lifestyle

The main news item on the BBC, and elsewhere, today has been the case of the German Catholic bishop, Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst, who has apparently been suspended for living a luxurious lifestyle, considered inappropriate by the new St Francis-inspired Church.

The bishop: note the expensive painting, when a photo of his cat would have been more suitable.

In vain did the bishop offer to accept a cheaper lifestyle, by selling off the more lavish parts of his name (a Peter Tebartz van, low mileage) and calling himself simply Franz Elst.

The Pope's favourite painting in the Vatican museum.

Other bishops may also expect trouble. For example, Vincent Nichols, the Archbishop of Westminster, lives in expensive accommodation in central London, and he has been advised that it would be better if he lived in a bedsit in Tower Hamlets and walked in to work every day. Excuses that "it's handy for my Cathedral" are just unacceptable in this day and age.

Kieran Conry oversees the construction of a new "Pease Pottage Stately Pleasure-Dome".

Meanwhile, the Anglicans were similarly embarrassed, after it was revealed that their supreme governor, Mrs Elizabeth Mountbatten-Windsor, 87, was living in a luxury palace in London. However, it turns out that apart from her religious duties, she has a part-time job ruling the UK - and various other countries - and so the "Anglican in the pew" does not pay directly for her lavish lifestyle.

Pope Francis himself is interested in demonstrating his fidelity to the spirit of his mentor, St Francis the First, by cutting out all luxury and living on crusts of bread and any kitty-kill that the Vatican cats bring in. So far his experienced adviser, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, has dissuaded him from doing this, not least because he himself doesn't fancy joining the Pope in a diet of vole sandwiches.

Pope Francis exchanges his costly zucchetto for a simple helmet.