Aelfflaed of Whitby Aethelbert of Kent Aidan Alban Aldeberge of Kent Augustine Bede Boniface Chad Cuthbert Dunstan Edmund Edmund Campion Edward, king and martyr Edward the Confessor Etheldreda George Gilbert of Sempringham Hilda Hugh of Lincoln John Fisher John Henry Newman Joseph of Arimathea Margaret Clitherow Nicholas Owen Odo of Canterbury Patrick Swithin Thomas Becket Thomas More Wilfrid of York Wulfstan
N.B. It seems that the hashtag #WCPSE has also been used by the Western Canada Paranormal & Spiritual Expo, but I am sure they won't mind. They probably saw it coming anyway.
November 9th, 2029
As all Catholics will know, following the conclave in which I was elected Pope, and took the title Pope Francis II (thanks, Austen!) we decided to hold a Nile Synod, to celebrate the beliefs of ancient Egypt and see how they could be integrated into the Catholic faith.
But an incident occurred that outraged many people. Early one morning, two people removed from the Church of St. Mary in Traspontina statues that were used in the opening ceremonies of the synod - and threw them into the Tiber River.
Vandals thought this idol was inappropriate in a church!
The artwork from Egypt represented the god Set, or Sutekh, the god of chaos, fire, deserts, trickery, storms, envy, disorder, and violence, who symbolised for the indigenous people the bond that humanity has with "Mother Hell", and her high priest, who is variously known as Satan, Pluto, Hades, Orcus, Sauron, Osiris, Mictlantecuhtli, and Ivereigh. As Cardinal James Martin has pointed out, we must build bridges with Hell, and attempt to cross them.
St John Henry Newman, canonized ten years ago now, pointed out that the Church has always incorporated pagan elements into its traditions. "Employing slave labour (nowadays known as altar servers), burying its rulers in splendid pyramids, torturing people under the Inquisition, all are of pagan origin, and sanctified by their adoption into the church."
The Humble Tomb of Pope Francis I. The sphinx represents the unanswered riddle of the Dubia.
Let's admit that the statues originate from a religious culture that is pre-Christian or considered "pagan." What is the church’s approach as it engages such cultures? Should we regard them as "primitive", "evil", or "heathen"? Or should we learn from them and absorb them into our own worship of Whoever-it-is?
During my years serving as the bishop in western South Dakota, I learned a great deal from the Lakota people. Their habit of doing war dances, scalping their enemies, and firing arrows into passers-by brought a cultural enrichment to my life, and a better understanding of Catholic teaching. These Lakotans understand time and eternity much better than we do - or at least, much better than I do.
Our tradition and my own experiences have taught me that our approach to other cultures always must be done with humility, but also curiosity. A passage from the book of Matthew springs to mind here: "Flee to Egypt, and stay there until I bring you word." Enough said!
Pope Francis II (and no jokes about my being in de Nile!)
Winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals 2019.
As a change from "Bad hymns," we like to invite in some older hymn-writers, to tell them where they went wrong. Today we welcome St John Henry Newman, author of hymns such as Lead, kindly Light, and Praise to the Holiest in the height, which are hardly ever sung in really hip churches these days. Now, why is that?
St John Henry Newman - where did he go wrong?
E: Welcome, John, and congratulations on your Canonization - I was really rooting for you. Now, your first hymn starts:
Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom, lead Thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on! Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene; one step enough for me.Not very snappy, is it? I suppose you never used to play the guitar, did you? Or shake the tambourine?
JHN: That's true, Eccles, I did try to introduce these to the Birmingham Oratory, but the traddies wouldn't have it. So how can I bring my hymn up to date?
E: Well, taking the tune of Walk in the Light, how about rewriting it as:
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight, Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight, Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight, Lead on, as I'm far from home!
Watson, the night is dark and we are far from home.
JHN: Yes, I think that would work. So Verse 2 could be:
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet, Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet, Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet, One step's the right thing for me!E: You're learning quickly, John. This is the sort of hymn that Catholic congregations are singing these days. None of your flowery language!
JHN: Can we do something about Praise to the Holiest in the height, Eccles? It comes from my poem The Dream of Gerontius.
Gerontius, catching up on some sleep.
E: Gerontius? I suppose it's too late to give him a more with-it name? The Dream of Dave, maybe? Well, let's see how it starts:
Praise to the Holiest in the height, And in the depth be praise; In all His words most wonderful, Most sure in all His ways.E: I think the problem here, John, is that there are at least four different ideas in that verse. And later on you get very involved in sin and redemption, and all that sort of Jesus-stuff, whereas modern congregations should be singing about how happy they are.
JHN: Yes, I think I'm getting the hang of this now. Could I use the tune of "Follow me, follow me?"
When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue, Oh we like to praise our holy holy Friend, For He sorted us out, yes He did, for me and you, So we're saved, yes we're saved, and that's the end. Chorus: Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the holy holy Lord... (ad libitum)
When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue...
E: Very good, John. You got through the main points of your hymn much more quickly that time, didn't you?
JHN: Thanks for your wise advice, Eccles. Now I see how real hymn-writers work.
E: Oh, by the way this "Cor ad cor loquitur" motto is a bit rigid. How about "Cor, strike a kindly light"?
There is little doubt that celebrity saint John Henry Newman would have been an ardent Remainer. So says Fr Ignatius Harrison of the Birmingham Oratory, and his wise words are backed by Diarmuid Martin, the Archbishop of Dublin, who is still recovering in hospital from the removal of his spine.
Of course we cannot be sure exactly how Newman would have resolved the current crisis. Would he have campaigned for a second referendum? A simple dropping of Article 50? Or perhaps he would have asked for another 20-year extension? We can never be entirely certain, although scholars who have read his writings are sure that he was crying out to be ruled by such giants as Juncker, Verhofstadt, Von der Leyen, and Barnier.
Christopher Lambchop with an unknown lady (probably Tina Beattie)
Likewise, we can tell from his Apologia pro Greta sua, that Newman would have supported the Extinction Rebellion's current campaign to shut down the world's cities. It is known that he never flew in an aeroplane, and there are accounts of his gluing himself to hot air balloons in an attempt to bring people closer to God. As he said in 1895 "We have only 12 years in which to save the world," and his words are as true now as they ever were. When we see our heroes engage in interpretive dance moves in order to help our planet survive, we know that John Henry Newman is looking down and wishing he was there.
Vestments worn by St John Henry Newman.
Moving on to Catholic issues, a subject we tend to avoid in the Tablet, we know that Newman would have enjoyed the current Amazonis Laetitia summit. Not just for the opportunity to stick feathers in his hair and worship pagan fertility idols, but also for the new doctrine that it promotes - notably the ordination of women as deacons (sha-women joining the sha-men). A pioneer in every way, Newman records in his writings how he used to confess his sins to the trees in Oxford, and listen to the wisdom of the wisteria.
On the wider scene, Newman was a keen feminist, a promoter of LGBT issues (history records that he never married), and in short, a typical Tablet reader. Modernism was his creed, as we know from his famous letter to Pope Pius IX, which begins "Get with the programme, baby-oh. This infallibility wheeze is a great opportunity for you to rewrite Catholic doctrine."
"Newman made me a modernist."
Yes, Newman was definitely my type of Catholic.
Will this do? Actually, he seems to have been a bit of a old fogey, and rather a stuffed shirt, but we'd better not say that. Chris.
Out go the crazy golf courses. In comes God!
The Church of England's main role, since the Reformation, has been to make it easier for people to divorce their wives and, if necessary, to behead them, but it has always tried to focus on FUN as well (after all, Henry VIII was a keen crazy golf player, as well as a sex maniac). That future saint, John Henry Newman, in his Anglican days, published various tracts on "Let's take religion seriously," but in the end he gave up his Anglican mission and became a Catholic instead.
Out go the helter skelters. Is nothing sacred?
Said Mr Bertram Wooster, a parishioner of Father Heppenstall, "The jolly old Anglican in the pew wants more than just funfairs and circuses; so we have asked old Heppers to liven up things with his forty-five minute sermon on Brotherly Love. That's the sort of thing to give the troops!"
It will be interesting to see whether this new "God" experiment will succeed in attracting the crowds back to Anglicanism. Many have already joined Cardinal Newman in the Catholic Church, where clown Masses, puppet Masses, and LGBT Masses are providing the spiritual nourishment they require. Heppenstall does have the surprising backing of Giles Fraser, the celebrity "loose canon," who is also considering the introduction of hymns and prayers as an alternative to coconut shies and "pin the tail on the donkey." It seems possible, therefore, that this innovation may catch on: we'll keep you informed.
An end to lunar gimmicks in our ancient cathedrals?
In recent times popes have been more visible to the world than ever before, thanks to the fact that they have stopped going to church and instead come out into the streets to meet the people. As a result, they are no longer regarded as distant hate-figures, but may occasionally be seen to perform actions that attract admiration.
Pope Pius XI makes an early bid for popularity.
Even in ancient times, popes were occasionally praised by very holy people. For example, St Paul said of St Peter, "Old Pete may not be a great letter-writer, but he certainly 'smells of the fish'."
More recently, Cardinal Newman said of Pope Pius IX, "I could make a better pope out of an old scarecrow, but there's always a chance that this one may be slightly saved if he learns to shut his trap." Generous language indeed!
Blessed Pius IX basks in the warm praise of Blessed John Henry Newman.
Finally, Cardinal Burke has said of Pope Francis, "Well, say what you like about the old thug, but he's not as crazy as Kasper!"
Of course, it is more traditional for Catholics to show love and respect towards the Pope by referring to him as "Fatso", "Francis the Fool" or "Pope Gay" (if you're Mundabor, which few people are, fortunately). Or, if they are members of ACTA, ACP, the Tablet board, etc., to call him "Sexist dinosaur". These are terms that warm the heart of a pope, especially when he sees who is using them.
However, there is nothing sinful in referring to the Holy Father as "Einstein the Ecumenical", "Captain Hermeneutic", or "His handsome Holiness", even though it is contrary to Catholic custom.
Reprinted from the Catholic Herald.
Diarmuid Martin complains that people keep calling him "a man of principle".
Dear Uncle Eccles,
What should we do about noisy adults in church? I am six years old, and I go to Mass with my parents and Lucy, my sister. Lucy is only three, and very well-behaved, usually either sleeping, reading a book such as Charles Kingsley's Water-babies - she scribbles on the heretical parts - or drawing pictures with crayon.
Warning: probably a book to upset Blessed John Henry Newman.
My parents are naughtier, but I am usually able to keep them under control by hissing "Ssshhh!" at them when they start chattering.
However, other adults are not so well behaved. Part of the problem is that they aren't trained to be quiet, as those of us who attend St Tharg's Primary School are. So we often hear adults chattering through those parts of the service that are less exciting than others, for example:
1. the bit before it starts, when worshippers are encouraged to discuss
their neighbour's clothes and hairstyles;
2. the sermon - although I personally found it very interesting when the
priest said he was appointed only for
those who lived in the parish, and he wanted all visitors to get lost;
Welcoming worshippers to the parish.
First polite native: Who's 'im, Bill?
Second ditto: A stranger!
First ditto: 'Eave 'arf a brick at 'im!
3. the prayers, which always sound the same - I'm told that
some churches make them more
varied by saying "In our cycle of prayer we pray for all who live in Lembit Opik
Terrace, for the people of Liberia, for the diocese of Luton and Bishop Loquitur, for all
librarians, liberals and libertines, and for all limpets." But we don't
do that;
4. the "peace", which the grown-ups just use as an opportunity to
cuddle each other (yeugh!);
5. that Scottish song near the end, about someone called Angus Daly, which I
don't understand.
Anyway, you get my point. People with short attention spans, such as grown-ups, need something to distract them. Of course they have their smart phones, and so they can (and do) send texts and follow the cricket score when things are getting a bit dull, but it's not enough.
Mrs Emin drew a nice picture during Mass.
So it's bit of a dilemma, really. Most adults are not really needed in order to make the service go with a swing, and there should perhaps be some nursery arrangements made for them, so that we children can worship without being distracted.
Oh, and one last thing. We kids don't like songs such as "Shine, Jesus, Shine" or "If I were a butterfly": we find them patronising. Give us "Salve Regina" or "Iam lucis orto sidere", any day. Then we'll know we're singing a work written by someone who was actually religious, rather than just a greedy entrepreneur. I know the adults like dumb hymns, but we kids do expect something better.
Love, Alex Smith (age 6).
A modern "quiet" church.
Richard Darkins - refuses to walk in the light.
Darkins is well-known for his books written in Braille, such as The watchmaker with no disability and The Light Delusion. These books insist that light does not exist, because if it did he would be able to see it. Darkins is prepared to remain open-minded on the existence of the sun. "Sometimes it gets quite hot, I can feel that," he said, "but no rational person believes that there is such a thing as 'light.'"
A "vile and bigoted" sun-worshipper.
The good professor set up the Richard Darkins Foundation for Reason and Science, in order to propagate his ideas that light does not exist. One sect that he has particularly attacked is the Lunatics - fanatical believers in the light of the moon, who use the crescent as their symbol. Two days ago, the RDFRS website was hacked by lunatics, and the general view was that it was a great improvement.
Mrs Darkins with Richard's guide-dog, K9.
Darkins's views are not universally accepted, and many people ridicule his aphosist stance. A few years ago he was slightly injured when trying to drive a bus round London, bearing the message "Light probably does not exist": after going strongly for half a mile, he then crashed into a lamp-post.
We spoke to Francisco Bergoglio, a retired chemist who now holds an administrative position in Rome. "Darkins means well," he said, "but he doesn't have a sound academic background in logic and reasoning, and he does tend to get confused. He sends me hate messages, because some of my staff like singing songs such as Newman's 'Lead, kindly, Light.' He tells me that a belief in light is responsible for everything that's wrong in the world."
A totally pointless "light" house.
Cardinal Newman - where did he go wrong?
E: Welcome, John, and congratulations on your Beatification - I was really rooting for you. Now, your first hymn starts:
Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom, lead Thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on! Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see The distant scene; one step enough for me.Not very snappy, is it? I suppose you never used to play the guitar, did you? Or shake the tambourine?
JHN: That's true, Eccles, I did try to introduce these to the Birmingham Oratory, but the traddies wouldn't have it. So how can I bring my hymn up to date?
E: Well, taking the tune of Walk in the Light, how about rewriting it as:
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight, Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight, Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight, Lead on, as I'm far from home!
Watson, the night is dark and we are far from home.
JHN: Yes, I think that would work. So Verse 2 could be:
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet, Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet, Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet, One step's the right thing for me!E: You're learning quickly, John. This is the sort of hymn that Catholic congregations are singing these days. None of your flowery language!
JHN: Can we do something about Praise to the Holiest in the height, Eccles? It comes from my poem The Dream of Gerontius.
Gerontius, catching up on some sleep.
E: Gerontius? I suppose it's too late to give him a more with-it name? The Dream of Dave, maybe? Well, let's see how it starts:
Praise to the Holiest in the height, And in the depth be praise; In all His words most wonderful, Most sure in all His ways.E: I think the problem here, John, is that there are at least four different ideas in that verse. And later on you get very involved in sin and redemption, and all that sort of Jesus-stuff, whereas modern congregations should be singing about how happy they are.
JHN: Yes, I think I'm getting the hang of this now. Could I use the tune of "Follow me, follow me?"
When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue, Oh we like to praise our holy holy Friend, For He sorted us out, yes He did, for me and you, So we're saved, yes we're saved, and that's the end. Chorus: Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the holy holy Lord... (ad libitum)
When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue...
E: Very good, John. You got through the main points of your hymn much more quickly that time, didn't you?
JHN: Thanks for your wise advice, Eccles. Now I see how real hymn-writers work.
It's not over until the fat bishop sings.
In tonight's episode of The Vicar of Webly, the Church of England is in crisis after a measure to appoint women bishops is narrowly defeated, and it is realised that they will have to keep taking votes every few months until they get the answer they were supposed to get.
Ambitious Geraldine, the Vicar of Webly, having set her heart on promotion to the cushy job of Bishop of Milton Keynes, is in no doubt where the fault lies. "After weeks of discussion and lobbying, the Church of England made the mistake of allowing two minutes of prayer before the vote," she says. "It is entirely possible that the Holy Spirit intervened at the last minute and blocked the measure. Now is it right that God should be allowed to intervene in a democratic process?"
The Holy Spirit - dragging Religion into Politics.
Meanwhile, the Catholic church rushes to sympathise with the Anglicans in their time of trouble. In a personal phone call to their new leader, Archbishop-elect Webly, Pope Benedict XVI makes the comforting remark, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Duffy the Vampire-slayer
Duffy the Vampire-slayer
The Catholic church has problems of its own, as the spectre of Traditional Catholicism, believed to have been buried in the 1960s, begins to rear its ugly head once more. A foolish old woman called Tina finds herself harassed on all sides, simply for speaking up against the mysterious forces called Magisterium. Banished from San Diego, she takes refuge in a dreadful wasteland called Roehampton.
Now all eyes turn towards Duffy the Vampire-slayer, a clever history student, who decides to rescue Tina from the forces that assail her. He invokes the spectre of Cardinal Newman, a well-known liberal Catholic who wrote regularly about how same-sex marriage, women priests and abortion were necessary for salvation. Duffy calls Newman to his aid in the battle for the soul of the Catholic church, and the fight is on.
John Henry Newman, author of Apologia pro Tina sua.
Will Duffy rescue poor Tina, or will he too be destroyed by the sinister doctrine known as Orthodoxy?
The Archbishop of Corby (H/T Maria Narwhal).
God, that man Damian is just so WONDERFUL. Remember when we were looking for a successor to Cormac as Archbishop of Westminster? Damian PERSONALLY spied on all the Magic Circle bishops and dug up all the dirt on them. For weeks he wrote hard-hitting articles pointing out that Arthur Roche was too fat, and Peter Smith smoked too many cigarettes. And in the end, the Nuncio got the message, and Vincent Nichols got the job. BLOODY MARVELLOUS, Damian!
The Pope's visit to Britain would never have happened if it were not for Damian. The organizer, Mgr Andrew Summersgill, had forgotten to make any room bookings, and the Papal Mass for the beatification of Cardinal Newman would have taken place in a bus shelter in Lincolnshire. But Damian came to the rescue, and in the end they used Cofton Park. AWESOME!
Cramped conditions for a papal mass to be attended by 55,000 people.
In fact Pope Benedict himself was going through a crisis of belief, and had to be rescued by Damian. To put it in layman's terms, the ontological neo-Kantian paradigm of Sacerdos Paulus semper obscurissimus est was giving him grief. I wrote to him myself: "Benedict, dude," I said, "just remember my encyclical Carpe vacuum, natura abhorret diem, and reflect on how Aquinas would have reacted." But, it took WONDERFUL Damian to tell the Pope the words he really wanted to hear, "Holy Father, I think your hair is fantastic." If it had not been for that, you can be sure that Benedict XVI would have resigned and we would now have Hans Küng as Pope. MAGNIFICENT, Damian! We LOVE you, dude!
Richard Dawkins, with Charlie the chicken
An early photograph of the religious leader Richard Dawkins has just been published, which will be of great interest to Dawkists everywhere. It shows the brilliant man conducting research into the behaviour of chickens, a subject on which he was said to be a world authority. However, many modern scholars believe that the picture is a forgery, and they have even asserted that Dawkins was a purely mythical figure, whose life story was invented by his disciples. They point out that the writings attributed to Dawkins, being incoherent and inconsistent, are probably little more than clumsy forgeries put out by the Dawkist cult.
The first women bishops in the Church of England.
Meanwhile, the Church of England has finally taken a decisive step in gender equality, by ordaining its first female bishops. The four saintly women in our photo, Mothers Avaritia, Ira, Invidia and Superbia, are expected to bring a new style of worship with them, based less on God and more on getting their names in the papers. With this aim in mind, it is rumoured that they are already in contact with Giles Fraser, the producer of Thought for the Day.
The Cristina Odone horror mask
A few weeks ago we advertised the Damian Thompson horror mask. Now, for the ladies, we have the Cristina Odone mask! Terrify your Catholic friends as they think you are about to unleash a stream of garbled nonsense in your role as a "Catholic spokesman." Scare off your children's boyfriends and girlfriends, as they fear they may be saddled with a mother-in-law whose head gives off steam when she tries to think! Dress up as the woman who, without any sense of irony, dared to criticise Britt Ekland for her looks! With Christmas fast approaching, it is also useful for prospective pantomime dames, ugly sisters, and wicked witches!
1. So Richard entered into the evening of his life, that is, the days of his retirement.
2. And his wife Lalla spake unto him, saying, "Richard, thou hast served thy genes well. Now is the time to take it easy, to sit on the sofa and watch Countdown."
3. "Or we could go down to the Darby and Joan Club and play Bingo; or we could travel afar and see my relatives on Gallifrey, such as the Meddling Monk, Morbius, and the Valeyard."
Uncle Morbius.
4. But Richard said, "Nay, my work is not yet done. For example, I have to minister over my website, dawkins.egotrip.net, that which is banned in Turkey, because it dares to say the unsayable."
5. For Richard had bravely mocked the Prophet Mohammed, hinting that he was not the sort of person who would be welcome on High Table at New College, Oxford. And this did not go down too well with the Turks.
This town ain't big enough for two prophets
6. After this humiliation at the hands of the Turks, Richard was wrathful, saying, "How is it that I, who wrote a thesis about chickens, am not idolized in Turkey?"
7. And the worshippers at the shrine of Dawkins laughed heartily at Richard's brilliant pun, saying "ROFL" and "LOL."
8. Which, being translated, means "O Richard, not only do you have the wisdom of Solomon, but you also have the comic genius of a Groucho Marx."
Richard, from the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
9. Then it came to pass that Richard had an even more strikingly brilliant idea, which would bring him great fame, and lead to increased sales for his books.
10. "I SHALL ARREST THE POPE," he said.
11. "For he is guilty of crimes against humanity, because he refuses to bow his knee at the shrine of Dawkins."
Probably drinking the blood of sweet furry kittens
12. "Indeed, this international gang-leader cometh to Great Britain soon, to meet his criminal associates, 'Vicious' Vince Nichols, Keith 'The Hat' O'Brien, and 'Fingers' Murphy-O'Connor."
13. "I have discovered that they are going to dig up the loot stashed away by John Henry 'Gerontius' Newman."
"Gerontius" Newman, the 19th century gangster
14. "And when the Pope appears, I shall arise and grab his collar, saying 'Ullo, ullo, ullo, what's all this then?' and 'You're nicked, sunshine.' Then I shall say unto him, 'I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station'."
15. "And the Pope will reply unto me saying 'It's a fair cop, guv'nor. I dunnit all right. Pax vobiscum.'"
Richard Dawkins prepares to arrest the Pope
16. But in fact things did not quite work out according to plan.
