Liturgy for baptism with an ice bucket

The priest, the person seeking baptism, the wielder of the bucket, and the bearer of the video camera shall proceed into the church; meanwhile, a hymn evoking water, ice or snow may be sung, such as Good King Wenceslas.

Probably not Pope Francis.

Priest: Who cometh here seeking the baptism of icy water?

Candidate: I come here so to seek.

Priest: And why seekest thou such a baptism?

Candidate: To raise awareness of ALS (MND) (or he may say "baldness", or "halitosis", or any other ailment that afflicts mankind). To raise awareness of myself and my virtue. Also, because I am too stingy to dip in my pocket and send cash to a charity.

I'm used to being humiliated. I can even stick my head in a bucket of water if you like.

Priest: And who wieldeth the bucket?

Wielder: I do.

Priest: Dost thou promise to wield the bucket fairly, taking care that most of the contents fall upon the candidate? And wilst thou endeavour not to splash me?

Wielder: I promise this.

Priest: And who beareth the video camera? (Or he may say "mobile telephone".)

Bearer: I do.

Priest: And dost thou promise to place the fruits of thine efforts on Youtube, that all may see how wondrous are the deeds of the Candidate?

Bearer: I so promise.

At this point there may be a reading from Lamentations 3:54. "Waters flowed over mine head; then I said, I am cut off."

It is advisable to remove the bottles before proceeding.

Priest: Art thou ready to receive the icy water?

Candidate: I am ready.

Priest: Then let it be poured upon thee.

The wielder shall now invert the bucket, and the video camera shall "roll".

Candidate: Eeeek! Owwww! (Or he may use another form of words, such as "Yarooh!" or "Aaagh!")

Priest: Hast thou gotten a good "take"?

Bearer: This I have done.

Priest: Then the deed is done, so let us go forth in gladness.

Candidate: A-a-a-a-a-a-...

Omnes: CHOO!

The procession shall now leave the church, and the candidate shall seek a towel and dry raiment.

Sacred cows

The "two cows" joke, in a greatly expanded version, can be found here. For example:

COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have two cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, 
and then throws the milk away.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, 
because you want three cows.

These are cows.

Recent research has found some other ways of managing cows.

ANGLICANISM: You have two cows. They would like to marry, but this is not allowed. Still, you may bless their union. They have no calves.

ACTA: You have two elderly cows. They tell you they live in fear because the Vatican won't allow them to be ordained or to use contraception.

LITURGIST: You have two cows. The traditional advice is that they should say "Moo". However, you prefer the "modernist" translation, and encourage them to say "Baa".

A liturgist (L) training a cow to say "Baa".

ZUHLSDORFITE: You have two cows. You provide them with handguns, because they have a right to bear arms. When you go to milk them, they shoot you.

POPE FRANCISCAN: You have two cows. You are reported as saying that milking cows is simply a fashion. A month later, it is revealed that you said nothing of the kind.

DAWKINSITE: You have two test-tubes containing cow DNA. They don't seem to produce any milk, but then milk is a fictional concept created by faith-heads.

Stop worrying, there's probably no milk!

BLOGGER: You have two cows. They spend all their time getting into fights with other cows, and saying how much they hate them, before retiring to their shed in disgust.

CHUCK SMITHITE: You have two cows, and you send them to the Calvery Chapel (of course). They start to leave little piles of dung all over the place.

TABLETIST: You have two cows. You sell them a magazine which is supposed to be of interest to cows. They read it, and wonder why it contains so many articles on bullfighting and recipes for steak pie.

Milking a cow, the Hans Kühe way.

I am sure that my loyal readers (both of them) will have further suggestions.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 7: The Trouble with Butlers

Continued from Part 6

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage. Now P.G. Wodehouse takes up the story.

"Oh dash it all, Aunt Moly," I said, "Do I really have to go and visit Uncle Thomas at Brentwood Castle? We're supposed to be on a pilgrimage. I've been looking forward to seeing the shrine of St Damian Thompson at Reading, and visiting my old chum Des Pond of Slough."

"Eccles, you woeful idiot," replied my aged relative, "Lord McMahon needs our help urgently. His whole life is in disarray, and he believes that his prize pig, the Empress of Brentwood, is dying."

"Well, needs must when the Devil drives, as the jolly old Bard puts it," I conceded. I summoned my manservant, Bosco, who shimmered in with some life-restoring Mystic Zuhlsdorf coffee.

"Excuse me for a moment, sir," said Bosco. "May I take the liberty of informing you that your new tartan biretta really does not suit you?"

"It really does not suit you, sir."

I am used to criticism from Bosco: usually it takes the form of remarks such as "May I remind you, sir, that you are not saved as I am, because Jesus has not chosen to visit you?" These I can safely ignore, as Bosco gets some strange ideas from his attendance at the Calvary Chapel; but when it comes to criticisms of my taste in headgear, then I feel I must put my foot down. Explaining coldly to Bosco that my biretta had been greatly admired by Ms Katharine Jefferts Schori, who writes the fashion column for the Episcopalian Times, I sent him off to buy some railway tickets for Brentwood.

What the well-dressed cleric is wearing.

We arrived at Brentwood Castle, where the door was opened by my uncle, Lord McMahon himself. "Uncle Thomas," I said. "Opening your own door, now?"

"Eccles, how nice to see you!" sighed my exhausted uncle. "It's my new butler, Liturgist. He's taken over the running of Brentwood Castle, and gives all the orders now."

"Ah, like the unjust steward chap in the Bible, what?" I had once won a prize for scripture knowledge at my prep school, and the parable of the cove in question (Luke 16, I fancy) was well known to me. "He fiddled a few things with his chief's debtors, and at the end the boss was very pleased with him. I'd have been furious."

The unjust butler.

"Yes, that's Liturgist. Everything has been changed in the running of the Castle. He's told the servants to disobey all my instructions. Here he is now."

Liturgist came in with a tray containing refreshments for Uncle Thomas, Aunt Moly, and myself. Instead of the usual whisky-and-soda, gin and wine that we had been expecting, we were served with strawberry milkshakes.

I looked in vain for my manservant Bosco to save the situation. Since the butler Liturgist had just broken into an impromptu dance, the Vati-can-can, Uncle Thomas hastily agreed to escort us to the pigsties, to see the Empress of Brentwood.

The Empress of Brentwood.

Knowing that Uncle Thomas regularly won prizes for his porcines, I had been expecting to see a healthy obese animal, but all we found was a scrawny-looking pig. The creature was clearly malnourished: instead of a well-balanced diet containing all that was necessary for nourishment, the poor beast was chewing on some old copies of the Tablet and minutes of ACTA meetings. It was looking decidedly the worse for wear.

A most unhealthy diet.

At that moment, Bosco, my "saved gentleman's personal saved gentleman", arrived, bearing a delicious dish of cupcakes, rhubarb crumble and custard, as recommended in Thompson's The care of the pig.

"Where did you get that food?" asked my Uncle Thomas. "Whenever I try to feed the Empress, my butler Liturgist gives contrary orders."

"I think we shall not be troubled by Mr Liturgist again," replied Bosco soothingly. "I have induced him to leave your employment, indicating to him that his unique talents would be more appreciated by Lord Paul Inwood, the son of the Duke of Cacophony.

"Bosco, I take my hat off to you!" I exclaimed.

"I would be most grateful if you did so, sir," replied my faithful employee. "As I said, it really does not suit you, sir."

Continued in Part 8.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 6: the ACTA of the Apostle

Continued from Part 5

The story so far: Pope Francis has asked Eccles to infiltrate the rebel organization ACTA and find out its secrets. St Luke takes up the tale.

It's BEHIND you, Luke!

1. I offer to you, Theophilus, the story of the Apostle Eccles, a godly man who was known for writing a blog containing much spiritual nourishment.

2. Now Eccles was sent by Pontifex to see the people of ACTA. These were men who followed strange teachers such as Hans Küng, he whose statue lies in the desert even unto this day.

My name is Ozymandias, Küng of Küngs. Look on my works ye mighty, and despair!

3. Some years before this, a man named Arthur was bishop in the land of Yorkshire, where the men live on chip butties and strange batter puddings.

4. Now Arthur had translated the Mass into English. For the previous translation had been done in a hurry by one who had been found wanting in Latin, and it bore little resemblance to the words handed down by our forefathers.

5. And his friends gave aid unto Arthur, lest he use phrases such as "Eee, by gum" and "Where there's muck, there's brass" in his translation.

"My granny could've hit that wi' a stick of rhubarb" - a Yorkshire phrase, not used in the Mass.

6. So when he had done his work, Arthur was himself translated - to Rome.

7. But the men of ACTA, having seen Arthur's translation, were full of wrath, saying, "Lo! It bears the mark of authority, not to mention arthurity, and we want none of it."

8. Indeed, one of them said: Because of the insistence on using English words as close as possible to their Latin equivalents, substantial parts of the new rite in English are ungainly, long-winded and obscure.

9. I ask thee, Theophilus, to note their use of words insistence, possible, equivalent, substantial and obscure, which are good short Anglo-Saxon words, such as the men of ACTA would prefer.

10. Meanwhile, Eccles was now accepted by ACTA as one of their number, having stolen a cardinal's biretta as a gesture against the tyranny of the Vatican.

11. Thus they taught unto Eccles the secret handshake, and showed him a dreadful vow to be made by full members of ACTA, which no man durst speak except inside a pentagram.

The secret vow of ACTA.

11. Then the men of ACTA told Eccles of their further plans, and he was sore afraid.

12. For they said, "There is another traddy work that we reject, and it is called the Bible. For it speaketh of God, and sin, and judgement, and redemption, which are ideas totally against the Spirit of Vatican II."

13. "We call on the Pope to suppress this book entirely. We suggest that he appoint a committee to provide a new translation, deleting all the embarrassing bits, leaving just a few jolly stories about donkeys and sheep, that will offend no man."

Jonah - too obsessed with evil to be retained in the New ACTA Bible.

14. "And for our committee we propose the names of Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tina Beattie, and Ann Lardeur."

15. "Plus of course Stephen Fry: for Stephen Fry is omnipresent, just as God used to be until the 1960s."

16. So, having learned of their plans, Eccles left the people of ACTA, and returned to his aunt Moly, who declared that it was "woeful".

To be continued by another author.

How well do you know the liturgy?

We have decided to help out the Tablet staff, who have been having trouble with their questionnaire on the new translation of the Mass, perhaps because many of them are not regular church-goers. Accordingly, we provide another quiz, this time to test readers' knowledge of the new translation.

Tablet staff studying an English missal.

1. If the priest says "The Lord be with you," what is 
the correct response? 
(a) Thank you.
(b) And with your spirit.
(c) Look, poor old Granny Pepinster's late, she must have 
overslept again, and... oh he's started.

2. Which action do you do when making a Confession?
(a) Slap your head, and say "D'oh, I got it wrong again!"
(b) Beat your breast and say "Through my most grievous fault." 
(c) Scratch your back and say "Gosh, these pews are uncomfortable!"

Mea culpa!

3. Which is it?
(a) Circumstantial like the Father.
(b) Consubstantial with the Father.
(c) Confidential to the Father.

4. Lord I am not worthy that... Which?
(a) I should climb onto Your roof.
(b) You should enter under my roof.
(c) I should fall off the roof.

Unworthy people.

5. Go forth, the Mass is... What?
(a) Running late.
(b) Ended.
(c) Cancelled.

6. You may occasionally hear some Latin. Which of these is 
a Latin phrase?
(a) Elena Curti.
(b) Agnus Dei.
(c) San Diego.

Top scores so far: Clifford Longley 3, Ed Stourton 2, Chris Patten 1.

---

Late News.

After rumours that both the Dandy and Tablet comics would be forced to close through falling subscriptions, it has just been announced that they will merge.

Your new Danlet will continue to feature those much-loved comic characters who have given us so many hours of fun. For example, we shall still be able to read the hilarious exploits of that distinguished historian:

Desperate Duffy,

and that expert on religion, society and human flourishing*:

Beattie the Peril.

Available at the back of the church, now!

*Having fun.

Tabloid survey on the new Mass translation

Not to be taken more than once a year.

Hello there, we at the Tabloid are conducting a totally impartial survey on the new translation of the liturgy (or "New Mass" as we call it). Please choose an option from each of the following.

1. The liturgy reached perfection in...
(a) 1973, when we finally got rid of Latin forever;
(b) 2011, when we introduced a rubbish translation with 
hard words in it;
(c) it will never reach perfection until Paul Inwood is 
given a free hand.

2. Which of the following do you prefer...
(a) "And also with you," friendly and polite;
(b) "And with your spirit," because I'm a pompous old fogey;
(c) "Yeah, right, mate, whatever."

3. When you say "...through my fault, through my fault, 
through my most grievous fault" do you...
(a) strike your breast, like a foolish old traddy;
(b) grin, knowing that the words are not to be taken literally;
(c) our priest skips this bit and we do a liturgical dance instead.

It was YOUR most grievous fault. Got that?

4. How well does the priest manage to say the new 
Eucharistic Prayers... 
(a) he gets them wrong, and corrects himself;
(b) he uses the old prayers because he is imbued with 
the spirit of Vatican II;
(c) he uses his own words ("mug" instead of "chalice" and 
"OK, there's coffee next door" instead of "Go forth, the 
Mass is ended."

Just as good as a "chalice."

5. How often do you see people around you in the pews still 
struggling to follow the new text? 
(a) always, with cries of "Help! What does 'consubstantial' 
mean, again?"
(b) never, because they still say the old one;
(c) er, we've not had anyone attending Mass since the 1970s. 

6. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof?
(a) Oh yes I am;
(b) Oh no I'm not;
(c) What does this question mean, anyway?

7. Latin is the work of...
(a) the Devil;
(b) the Pope, whom we must resist at all costs;
(c) Julius Caesar, but what's he got to do with the Mass?

It's all his fault.

8.Are you reading the Tabloid because you are...
(a) an escaped lunatic;
(b) a layman in good standing;
(c) a miserable deacon who likes insulting people;
(d) a go-ahead liberal priest;
(e) a bishop/archbishop/cardinal;
(f) the Pope, Hans Küng, or someone of equal status?

Takin de collectoin

Bosco dressed up as a nun to go to de Cathlic churhc, as part of his cunning plan to grab de collectoin. Dat was to stop it goin to dem costume holly men what is all pevrets.

We bruoght along wiv us some more spirritaul poeple from de Calumny Chappel to give Bosco morral suport as he entered de dreadful place full of unsaved poeple. Dese freinds of ours doesnt dress up as clowns, Jessus has told dem dat dey is banananas.

I walks in wiv Bosco and has a little chat wiv de old guy at de back givin out de hynmbooks.

"Ullo, buster," says I. "I is a saved pusson what has been fished out of a deep pit by Jessus, and is washed clean. I was a misserable sinner but now I is a heavenly bein. Praise de Lord, buster."
"Dat must be very nice for you," says de old guy. "Take a coppy of de new litturgy. It have been transslated again, to get rid of de Bibblical bits wot we Cathlics didnt like. Dont forgit to kiss de gravven immages as you goes in."

Bosco also explanes dat he wuold like to take de collectoin. "Dat's very kind of you, sister," says de old man. "Wot you does is get de punters to put money in dis plate, den you brings it up to de front, and de preist grabs it and uses it to buy whisky."

De time for taking collectoin was durin a hynm, and I was watchin Bosco as he got de widdows to put in dere cash. "Dat aint enuogh, sister!" he said to a little old lady. "Turn out your handbagg. And dat's a mighty fine golden chane you is wearin, we'll have dat as well. Better to go to Heaven wiv no chane, than to end up in de Lake of Fire wiv a golden chane."

So Bosco collected a record amount for Cathlic charittable causes (de costume holly man's whisky fund).

He managed to conceal de loot in his pew, plannin to take it out wiv him at de end. But in de Cathlic service dere is a place where de costume holly man says "We now gonna share de peace wiv our neihgbors," and you gotta shake hands wiv all de people nearby even if dey aint saved.

Bosco he was claspin hands wiv de girls in de row in front and dey was tryin to stop him claspin uvver parts of dere boddies, when he got hit very hard in de back, and a strange man behind him said "Oi! Give us de peace, clown, or I'll beat yer up!"

"Oh yeah?" says Bosco. "Here, want me to do de Vulcan Death gripp of peace, you loser?" and he knokced de strange man down to the gruond. "Rest in peace," said my bruvver Bosco, I fink he got a little confussed over dis new litturgy.

Well, Bosco escapped from de churhc wivvout too many wuonds dis time, but he didnt get to take de collectoin wiv him, so I guess de costume holly man must have got it after all.