Liberal priests announce sex strike

In protest against the election of Donald Trump as president of the United States of America, many liberal priests have decided to join sex symbols such as Whoopi Goldberg (age 69, weight 69 stone) and Jane Fonda (age 86) in refusing to provide sexual services for the next 4 years.

"From now on I shall concentrate on eating - it worked for Arthur Roche."

Several leading Trumpophobes are LGBTSJ Jesuits, and it is believed that their leader has vowed "no woman shall know me in the Biblical sense for the next 4 years". Similarly, Cardinal Tobin has promised not to send dubious "Nighty-night" greetings to any women in this period.

Miss Greta Luce (age 21 but looks much younger) has also undertaken to remain chaste in solidarity with the liberal priests "although what the Vatican Anime Dicastery chooses to do with my image is beyond my control."

What could possibly go wrong?

So what will these virtuous religious leaders find to occupy their time? Kenotic decentering is very popular in some circles, and athletes of synodality find that sitting round a table for weeks on end helps dispel impure thoughts. We wish them luck in this new endeavour.

Alyssa Milano gives a moral lead

Although Catholic bishops (with very few exceptions) no longer give a moral lead, all is not lost as the great actress Alyssa Milano, star of, um, the 1980s television series Who's the Boss? (er, has she done anything since then?) has called for a Sex Strike - something to do with the fact that real feminists like to have sex and abort babies, so if they can't do one they won't do the other.

"When I grow up I'm going to organize a sex strike!"

This moral lead has been widely praised by people on both sides of the divide - and Alyssa has gone on to provide more guidance:

1. Thou shalt not steal. A burglars' and muggers' strike is being organized, to last until theft becomes legal in Georgia (or wherever it isn't yet legal).

2. A drug strike. No more cannabis, cocaine, etc. to be consumed until it is made legal. Yes, this will probably bring Hollywood to a halt, but it is worth it to show how much we care about this issue.

Alyssa models a mantilla suitable for Catholics on strike.

3. An adulterers' strike. Although the Pope has not yet got round to answering the Dubia, or ruling definitively on whether adultery is still frowned on in the Catholic Church, the Blessed Alyssa has called an adulterers' strike - no more sleeping around until you can get away with it!

4. In a devastating blow against climate change, Alyssa promises to use no electric fires and to wear no fur coats whenever we have a hot day. If that doesn't show CO₂ that we mean business, nothing will!

The end is Nye! A mad "scientist" explains.

Impressed by Alyssa's moral lead, Pope Francis is planning a trip to Hollywood, with a view to meeting the actress and benefiting from some of her popularity. It is rumoured that he is going to star with her in a bio-pic about a now obsolete British band. It will of course be called Frankie Goes to Hollywood.