The Pope's new Beatitudes

1. And FRANCIS went up unto a high place, namely the Alitalia flight from Malmo to Rome, and spake these words.

The Sermon in the Plane.

2. Blessed are they who look to the right and to the left before crossing the road: for the years of their life shall be lengthened.

3. Blessed are they who recycle their bottles, and do not simply throw them out of the window at passers-by, as do the heathen.

4. Blessed are they who clean their teeth after meals, for their mouths shall shine forth with the Light of the Lord.

Fail.

5. Blessed are they who turn off their heating, and dwell in the houses that are frozen; and blessed are they who walk or cycle to their labours rather than taking the chariots of fire: for they shall be called the children of the Earth, and feel very smug about the whole thing.

6. Blessed are they who wear organic, low-fat, locally sourced, hand-knitted, gluten-free, Fairtrade, free-range socks: for their feet shall bring joy to the world.

Blessed feet in holy socks!

7. Blessed are they who stand in an aeroplane, and speak words from their hearts, even if these words do not come from the head: for someone will be on hand to correct, explain, and interpret their utterances.

8. Trust me, I know all about this.

Salvation is now a Human Right

Following a landmark decision by the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, all religions based in Europe (including the Catholics and the Anglicans) are now obliged to offer salvation as a human right.

Heaven - get a good lawyer, and it can be yours!

This verdict has naturally caused a lot of trouble in religious circles. A joint statement from the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury (supported by the Archpastor of the Baptists and others) said "There est no bonum in nos telling fideles that possunt condemned ad damnation eternam for peccata if tunc lawyers solvunt them." (With hindsight, it was unwise for them to write alternate words, but it was a compromise.)

The European Court of Human Rights - the architect was inspired by Hieronymus Bosch's paintings of Hell.

In compliance with the ECHR decision, various bits of the Bible will need to be rewritten, or at least supplied with clarifying footnotes to say that they are not to be taken seriously. The ruling has been greeted with enthusiasm by the dissident Catholic group ACTOR (A Call To Outright Rebellion), which has long maintained that references to "wailing and gnashing of teeth" were inserted in the Bible by the Vatican as a means of repression. From now on, wailing and gnashing of teeth will be restricted to those Masses where liturgical dancing, puppets, or Paul Inwood hymns are on offer.

Gnashing of teeth - but is it a possible risk to Health and Safety?

Bite Jessus Bite

Todday at de Calumy Chappel we had one of Bosco's favorite hynms.

Lord we's saved and we's goin bitin,
It's de folk who aint saved dat we's fihgtin,
Jessus bite on de world, bite now wiv us,
Help us bite wiv de the teef dat You bring us,
Bite wiv me. Bite wiv me.

Bite Jessus Bite,
In dis land make dem boddies gory.
Blaze Spirrit blaze,
Set deir churhc on fire.
Flow rivver flow,
Drown dem all in de dirty water.
Send forth Your teef
Lord and let's have a BITE.

Dis is a stattue dat we is puttin up outside de Calumny Chappel, it symbollises Jessus de Way, de Toof and de Bite. De two guys in front is iddles of saints dat was dellivered by misstake, we is gonna have to git rid of dem.

De manny fans of Bosco has been askin to see a photto of de place where he spends many happy huors bloggin, and a freind of ours droped in and took it for us.

I aint got time for fambly news now, jist an advert to finnish off.

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DOES YOUR OLD FOLKS CUASE A LOT OF FRICCTION?

WE HAS GOT DE ANSER TO ABBRASIVE RELLATIVES!

PUT IT IN DE OLD GIRLS COCO AND SHE WILL SLEEP LIKE A BABBY.