The World Cup of Controversial Saints

The results are at the end of this post.

Let's get one thing straight before we start. Once someone is canonized, it is up to Catholics (at least) to accept that this is an infallible decision. So we are not talking about people you want to de-canonize, but rather about those whose canonization has at some time been questioned. Possibly for one of the following reasons:

1. They may never have existed.

2. It was too soon, and their case was not properly examined.

3. They were at some time accused of heresy or blasphemy.

And so on. So if you are taking part in the Twitter/X poll, you may wish to think of saints you are least likely to call upon; these are not the saints who are in Heaven but sitting in the back row or behind a pillar (such places are occupied by those who are so far only Beatified).

The Plains of Heaven, by John Martin.

Here is my list so far, received from various sources. Further nominations welcome, preferably with evidence that someone didn't think they should be canonized.

Carlo Acutis
Christopher
Conus
Edith Stein
Faustina Kawalska
John Henry Newman
Josemaría Escrivá
Junípero Serra
King Louis IX of France
Maximilian Kolbe
Mother Teresa
Oscar Romero
Philomena
Pope Celestine V
Pope Gregory VII
Pope John XXIII
Pope John-Paul II
Pope Paul VI
Thomas Aquinas
Thomas More

I repeat, this is NOT an invitation to slag off saints. And my personal views don't enter here. We'll start the World Cup soon after the World Cup of Ugly Churches ends.

The Plains of Hell, by James Martin.

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The super-sixes were as follows:

Oscar Romero 32.3% -- Josemaría Escrivá 8.3% -- Pope Paul VI 59.4%

Pope John XXIII 53.6% -- Henry II, Holy Roman Emperor 21.7% -- Carlo Acutis 24.7%

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Third place playoff

Oscar Romero 69.1 v Carlo Acutis 30.9

Bronze gets an Oscar! I mean, Oscar gets the Bronze.

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FINAL

Pope Paul VI 59.5 v Pope John XXIII 40.5

In this Vatican II finale, Paul gets the gold medal, and John the silver.

"Congratulations, but I didn't really want the gold medal, anyway."

Day of Judgement marks downgraded

August 14th 2021

Religious leaders have complained that the results of the Day of Judgement are "a complete fiasco" and "unfair and unfathomable", after the marks for many candidates were downgraded from the predictions given by their spiritual leaders.

"We're going to Heaven!" Or are they?

Worshippers from a variety of religions have discovered that the heavenly places they expected have been refused to them.

Said Pastor Noodle of the Calvary Chapel, "I awarded Mr Bosco three A* grades, and was expecting him to take up his place in the University of Heaven. After regrading, he was awarded F-, F-, F-, and will be forced to go to a much less prestigious place."

Similarly, Imam Oran complained: "I awarded grades to my class which would have granted them each 72 virgins in the afterlife; after re-assessment, they ended up with 72 sturgeons each, and most of them don't even like fish."

Or maybe it wasn't fish.

Problems in the Catholic Church too, where Headmaster Francis's assessment of his star pupils Blase Cupich, James Martin, and Austen Ivereigh turned out to be wildly optimistic. We are still waiting for the end-of-term report on Ted McCarrick, but it seems that his predicted grades of F-----, F----- and F----- are more-or-less accurate.

"I'm appealing!" (Oh no you're not!)

Cardinal condemns God for separating families

Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, has slammed God for building a wall round Heaven and separating families.

Said His Eminence, "It is shocking to think that there is no free access to Heaven, and that people who illegally try to enter - perhaps when St Peter's attention is distracted by a discussion of fishing techniques - are rounded up and interned in Hell. This means that some people are entering Heaven to discover that their parents have been sent elsewhere."

An artist's vision of God.

A spokesman for God (St Matthew of Catholic Voices) remarked that Divine Immigration Policy clearly stated "And every one that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall possess life everlasting. So there!"

Meanwhile, the USCCB stressed that they were speaking out in their capacity as a pro-life organization: they were concerned about immigration, but had very little objection to children being destroyed in the womb, and they would certainly not deny communion to abortionists, whether practising or simply preaching the doctrine of death. In this they were backed up by organizations such as "Catholics for Choice", "Catholics for Infanticide", "Catholics for Herod" and "Catholics for BLOOD SLAUGHTER MURDER DEATH PSYCHO AAAAGGGGHHH".

"In the words of Holy Scripture: VOTE DEMOCRAT."

Michael Coren writes another book

The great Michael Coren has written the publishing sensation of 2016, and it will certainly put into the shade other best-sellers such as Pope Francis's Amoris Laetitia and Gianfranco Ravasi's So farewell then, David Bowie, Prince, and Choppers the Chimp.

Yes, the much-loved author of Why Catholics are Right, its sequel, Why Catholics are Wrong, and a further sequel, Why Catholics are Right after all, has dashed off a new book that will be published this month.

Why Christ was wrong and I am right.

At first, I thought that Epiphany was a new take on the Bible story. Three wise men from the East, Kasper, Müller and Baldisseri, make a journey to the humble stable in Essex in which the infant Coren is lying, and bring him gifts of cash, deodorant, and baby-powder.

If that is the case, we should look forward to Coren's Good Friday, where he suffers in agony - his evening talk show The Arena with Michael Coren being cancelled - and of course the impressive autobiography Easter, where Coren rises again (and probably becomes a Catholic once more). However, I may have got the wrong end of the stick here.

The three wise men on the A12, seeking the birthplace of Michael Coren.

Coren's had a good week. When Michael Voris humbled himself, and gave an account of how God had helped him to "go straight", he was instinctively showered with good wishes by orthodox Catholics (apparently Mercy is well-regarded these days). Meanwhile, the other Michael was clearly revelling in his discomfort. No doubt Christ would have said the same "You've repented of your sins, have you? You cheeky fellow!"

Well I haven't read Epiphany yet, nor do I expect to, but it's interesting to see that the most-hyped praise that it has received comes from Stephen Fry, that well-known sympathiser with Christian teaching.

Looking ahead...

The scene at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter: Ah, Mike. I see that in your lifetime you joined the Catholic Church six times and left it six times, you wrote 50 books, and you received the last rites from the Seventh-day Jehovah's tree-worshippers. It's not really enough to let you in, I'm afraid.

Coren: But Stephen Fry says I am saved!

St Peter: Who???

Catholics told they need no longer aim for Heaven

In a ruling that will come as a great relief to many Catholics, Pope Francis has used his latest interview with Eugenio Scalfari (or "Scalfie") to explain that they no longer need to aim for Heaven if they don't want to.

Up or down? Now you have a choice.

As Pope Francis explained, "A lot of Catholics try to obey the Church's laws because they hope (ultimately) to end up in Heaven, which is traditionally regarded as quite a nice place. But there is also plenty of space in Hell, if you don't mind the German theologians reserving the sun-loungers. So if you're finding the path of righteousness a bit difficult to follow, well, don't worry, there are other possibilities!"

A spokesman for Satan, who refused to give his name but is believed to be a German cardinal, added: "The Holy Father is perfectly correct in what he says. In Hell there is never any 'test' or 'exam' you have to pass - getting in is as easy as getting onto a university course in Gender Studies, and with as great a sense of achievement."

The Pope's ruling has greatly simplified the question whether, for example, people in adulterous relationships can take Communion. They can go ahead, provided that the presiding priest doesn't interfere, and nobody will say anything until they die.

The Pope takes part in a "Scalfie"

UPDATE: it seems that after all the Pope's alleged "Scalfie" was not genuine. You'll have to behave yourself after all.

Only cute pets can go to Heaven

As is usual nowadays, Fr Federico Lombardi has clarified the off-the-cuff remarks of Pope Francis that all God's creatures are saved. "What the Holy Father really said," he explained, "is that all cute animals are saved." The offer does not apply to the Hound of the Baskervilles, for example; and pit bull terriers will still end up in the pits of Hades.

Cute enough to be saved.

It was explained that, whereas Jesus died to save humans from their sins, animals as such do not have a great idea of the difference between Good and Evil, being in that respect something like Members of Parliament or Guardian-readers. For instance, how do you tell the difference between a good crocodile and a bad crocodile when it's biting your leg off? Moreover, it would be inconvenient to have crocodiles wandering round Heaven, even ones equipped with angels' wings.

An optimistic crocodile sings "Amazing Grace".

C.S. Lewis once said that a Heaven for mosquitoes could be combined with a Hell for humans. Nowadays, modern teaching has largely abolished the idea of Hell, and Good and Evil are replaced with Niceness - see the Niceone Creed for details. Nevertheless, being able to decide whether one is saved simply on the basis of one's Cuteness applies only to animals, and not to humans. For example, many of the saints were not at all cute.

John the Baptist - as un-cute as Russell Brand but still saved.

Fr Lombardi added that simply possessing a cute pet was not an automatic guarantee for salvation: the pet itself would have to abandon its owner in the afterlife. Cats, for example, will do this without any scruples.

Only one of these is saved. Can you work out which it is?

According to Biblical teaching, God has decided that sheep are saved, and goats are not; this does indeed follow the principle of "cuteness", as goats are not generally regarded as cute animals. Indeed it is hard to imagine Pope Francis trying to gain credibility by walking around with an unsaved goat round his neck. Q.E.D.

The Pope poses with a saved creature.

Hell awarded "City of Culture" title

The City of Hell (full title, Kingston-upon-Hell) has just been awarded the prestigious "City of Culture" title, fighting off stiff competition from Purgatory and Heaven (better luck next time!)

Some of Hell's cultural assets.

Said a spokesman for the judging committee, Mr Dante Alighieri, "We always thought that the Devil had the best tunes, and now that old-fashioned hymn-singing is falling out of fashion, to be replaced by Paul Inwood's Greatest Hits, the Kevin Mayhew Book of Vogon Songs, and the like, it is clear that modern Christianity, at least, is making little effort to catch up."

A modern cathedral. Heavenly, but very ugly.

In architecture, too, Heaven offers little to challenge the supremacy of Hell, as we see ancient churches converted into supermarkets, or palaces of consumerism, while "prison-style" construction inspires so many new religious buildings.

Said a prominent resident of the new City of Culture, Baron Prescott of Kingston-upon-Hell, "I am very excitable and delightful to hear the news - denigrating Hell as the City of Cultivation puts us firmly on the map, rather than just off the edge, and the working people of Hell will be calibrating tonight, no mistake. This would never have happened when we had a Tory Governess. Oh, have we?"

The James Joyce of Kingston-upon-Hell: nothing he says makes sense.

Meanwhile, spokesmen for The Church of Purgatory, such as Lord Carey and A.N. Wilson, have expressed feelings of despondency, saying "We've still got one or two nice churches - although we didn't build them ourselves - but nobody wants to attend them."

Indeed, it is hard to see what the solution could be. Modernizers have done all they can to bring the C of P up to date - they don't mention God any more, and many bishops are very happy with same-sex marriage, adultery, even a little discreet theft and murder. What more could they do?

Could glamorous vicaresses be the answer?

But enough of the problems of Heaven and Purgatory. Today is definitely a day when Hell - an increasingly attractive destination for modern youth, with its fabled lakes of brimstone, and jolly twerking demons to make them feel at home - has every right to celebrate.

Celebration in the streets of Hell.

Salvation is now a Human Right

Following a landmark decision by the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, all religions based in Europe (including the Catholics and the Anglicans) are now obliged to offer salvation as a human right.

Heaven - get a good lawyer, and it can be yours!

This verdict has naturally caused a lot of trouble in religious circles. A joint statement from the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury (supported by the Archpastor of the Baptists and others) said "There est no bonum in nos telling fideles that possunt condemned ad damnation eternam for peccata if tunc lawyers solvunt them." (With hindsight, it was unwise for them to write alternate words, but it was a compromise.)

The European Court of Human Rights - the architect was inspired by Hieronymus Bosch's paintings of Hell.

In compliance with the ECHR decision, various bits of the Bible will need to be rewritten, or at least supplied with clarifying footnotes to say that they are not to be taken seriously. The ruling has been greeted with enthusiasm by the dissident Catholic group ACTOR (A Call To Outright Rebellion), which has long maintained that references to "wailing and gnashing of teeth" were inserted in the Bible by the Vatican as a means of repression. From now on, wailing and gnashing of teeth will be restricted to those Masses where liturgical dancing, puppets, or Paul Inwood hymns are on offer.

Gnashing of teeth - but is it a possible risk to Health and Safety?

Church of England to be privatised

The prestigious Head Office.

Having discovered that it cannot control the Church of England without provoking a constitutional crisis, the Government has decided to privatise it as a public limited company, to be called the English God Corporation (EGCO). This will be regulated by a new quango, OFGOD (likely to be chaired by Sir Tony Baldry).

Sir Tony Baldry - his cunning plan is that EGCO will be bound by the high standards of the Freemasons and the Garrick Club.

The proposed line-up, at least initially, is:

Chairman: H.M. Queen Elizabeth II.

Managing Director: Sir Justin Welby.

Board of Directors: +Bognor Regis, +Newport Pagnell, and various other diocesan representatives beginning with a plus sign. As an Equal Opportunities Employer, EGCO will ensure that many of these are female.

Honorary consultant (non-voting member): The Holy Spirit.

Assets: A huge number of old buildings, some with pointy spires and others with big towers. Currently, mostly unoccupied. Also, large supplies of candles, hymn books, and vestments (in fact, something of a surplice).

Activities: praying, hymn singing, blowing own trumpet (cf. Giles Fraser). Also, extensive charity work, but this will mostly be done away with for financial reasons.

At present, only men are allowed to operate this heavy "smiting" machinery.

EGCO is to be floated on the stock market in the near future, and shareholders will be guaranteed the following benefits:

• Free use of the services provided by EGCO, with coffee and a chocolate biscuit afterwards.
• Voting rights at the Annual General Meeting (formerly, the "Synod").
• An excellent post-life benefits package, at least compared with those who have not taken out any other form of post-life insurance.
  WARNING: souls may go down as well as up.

This picture is merely illustrative, and shareholders may be sent to alternative destinations.

If the flotation is a success, the Government is already speaking of other privatisations. However there is little to be done about the multi-national Catholico, which is registered in the tax haven of Vatican City. Another difficult task will be to try and regulate the ISLAM business.

ISLAM - unlikely to be impressed by Sir Tony Baldry.

Near-death experiences

In view of a near-death experience claimed by Dr Eben Alexander, which is the basis of his new book Proof of Heaven, we asked some of the regular characters appearing on this blog to describe their own near-death experiences.

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Bosco, worshipper at the Calvary Chapel, and saved person.

Hello, could I speak to Jesus, please?

Eccles, you poor sick monkey, I had a rotten experience when I tried to save a convent of nuns, and I was badly beaten up by them. As I lay in hospital, near to death, I found that I was standing outside the Gates of Heaven, explaining to St Peter that all Catholics were idolaters, and should be sent to the Lake of Fire. "I am saved, even more than you are," I told him. "I've come for my throne and my golden crown."

St Peter is shocked by Bosco's blog.

"Ah, Bosco," said St Peter. "I've been reading your blog, and we've got a totally different fate for you..."

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Damian Thompson, formerly a religious journalist.

Damian is the one alone at the front, whom nobody else will talk to.

The first thing that struck me about St Peter, when I saw him, was that he was putting on weight. In fact, the whole tone of Heaven was very disappointing, and I was totally unimpressed with the angels, who were definitely smirking at me. The music was not Gladys Mills plays Beethoven, as I had been led to expect, nor even something by my friend James MacMillan, but a dirge that sounded like an eternal repetition of "Alleluia Ch-ch."

Angels - what dreadful hair styles they have.

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Moly, aunt of Eccles and Bosco.

A recent photo of Moly.

Well I don't believe in God or Heaven, but I did have a very strange dream last night when I finally dropped off. I was in Paradise, wearing my new Moly Number 5 cigarette- and gin-scented perfume. But I was surrounded by possums, all jumping up and down, and there wasn't a bottle of gin to be had anywhere. "It's endless torment for you," said a loud voice to me, probably one of those bullying traddy Catholics. Woeful.

Vicious possums. They're out to get me. I know it.

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Father Arthur, of the Church of St Daryl the Apostate.

I'm a priest in good standing, you know.

Well, I wasn't going to stand any calumny from the man waiting for me at the Gates of Heaven, so I got my attack in first. "May I remind you, 'Saint' Peter, that as recorded in the 26th chapter of the book of St Matthew, and elsewhere, you denied Christ on no less than three occasions? Does that give you the right to comment on the behaviour of other people? I am a priest in good standing, with no time for your traditionalist ways. Haven't you people heard of Vatican II? Now clear off, and let me do your job properly for you."

The Last Judgement. But Fr Arthur will willingly give you a preliminary verdict.

Gifts for Chritsmas

DE CALUMNY CHAPPEL iDOLL (IN ASSOCIATOIN WIV APLE)

De ideal pressent for de little kid what wants to be saved.

Dis little fellow is an electronnic marvel dat can speak a lot of usefull phrases, such as:

* Kiss me, I'm an iDoll.

* Granny aint saved, tee hee hee.

* Bosco done a poo on de blogg, Mummy.

* Mummy, can I throw stones at de cosstume holly man?

* Give us de gin.***

*** Dis phrase was sugested by my Anti Moly, who said it was one of her favorite phrases when she was a little gril.

Powered by Solar Scriptura cells.

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A PRESENT FOR DE GROWN-UPS - DE ELLECTRONIC CEMENT DOVE

Dis dove is reely a pussonal organizer and aid to Salivation.

It has a built-in recording devvice, so dat preists in good stand-in like Farver Arfur can record confessoins to make sure dey dont miss anyfink, and den play dem back at parties.

It has a built-in alarm functoin, so dat it can wake you up in de mornin wiv your chioce from some jolly phrasses, such as:

* Wake up, lazzy bons. You aint gonna be saved.

* Ullo, I fink Jessus is standin at de door knockin.

* Annuver day dawns, and dere is more poeple waitin to be insullted.

* Only woeful, traddy, fanattical Cathlic sockpoppets stay in bed late.

* Ullo, dis is Sister Whippie here, wuold you like one of my luvvly pennance puddings?

* At 4 a.m. dis mornin you said "Zzzz..." Accordin to de Catacoms of de Churhc dat is a sin, cos you is a foolish verger what went to sleep.

* Its 5 a.m. Anti, time to put de computter away and go to bed.

As you can see we has been recievin suggestoins from a varietty of suorces.

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At Chritsmas we plays de Calumny Chappel versoin of snakes and ladders, where you has to try and stay on de angles, and not go on de demmons.

Bosco aint very good at dis, and he allways ends up in Hell.