This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 12 September 2014

Why don't I hate Ian Paisley?

Ian Paisley, alias Lord Bannside, is dead, and I feel very guilty. Look, I know it was my Christian duty to hate him, and now I should be opening the champagne, dancing around, and writing a blog post saying that the old bastard is no doubt going straight to the Lake of Fire, but... actually I don't feel that way.

True, he had a slightly Protestant view of religion - just as you might say that Richard Dawkins has a slightly atheist view of religion - and, like Dawkins, he said some horrible things, many of which were rather stupid. For example, he thought the popes were the Anti-Christ, although it's not clear to me whether he would have included St Peter in that number.

Paisley at airport

Ian waits at the airport for the Pope (and/or the Anti-Christ) to collect his baggage.

Yes, this is worrying. I ought to be thinking nasty thoughts about Paisley and they just won't come. Probably he's in some queue for Purgatory now with Donald Sinden the actor, who has also died, each trying to shout louder than the other. Luckily, Brian Blessed shows no signs of joining them today.

The Lake of Fire. Some people end up here (not readers of this blog, obviously).

If it wasn't that he had many of the same religious opinions, my big brother Bosco would even now be condemning Paisley to the Lake of Fire.

Look, I'm trying to think nasty thoughts about the Reverend Ian Paisley (or RIP, as everyone is calling him today), but they're not coming. I had the same problem when the comedian Bernard Manning died. The man said unspeakable things, but he wasn't just plain evil in the same way as Hitler, Stalin, and the rest of them.

Bernard Manning

Probably you should shout "Yah, boo" at this photo of Bernard Manning.

Admittedly, nobody is claiming that Ian Paisley was a saint, in the same way as St Francis or St Thérèse of Lisieux. Actually, these days, when asked to think of a saintly character, people name Gandhi or Mandela instead: this proves that the era of satire is dead. Still, Paisley may be slightly saved, in spite of all his obvious nastiness.

No, I really don't find it in me to spit on his grave. Sorry. Perhaps if I pray a bit more, I will be able to summon up more hatred...

Paisley anf McGuinness

Devil horns or rabbit ears? RIP shares a joke with a friend.


  1. "For example, he thought the popes were the Anti-Christ, although it's not clear to me whether he would have included St Peter in that number."

    No - he wouldn't have counted St Peter among the Popes.

  2. I shall miss him, and shall pray for the repose of his soul. He had quite a 'Damascus Road' conversion in the political sense of the word. Many members of the DUP and the Free Presbyterian Church gave him a tough time when he started to work with Sinn Fein. Today both Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness have expressed sadness at his death (see the Sinn Fein website) - something which would have seemed impossible just 10 years ago. We are told to 'overcome evil with good'. Surely we see this in the latter years of Ian's life on earth. I look forward to meeting him one day in heaven.

  3. Would just love to see his take on Purgatory now!

  4. To make this like the original Telegraph column, you should close the comments

  5. I love the Paisley design so while it has its Bannside and its Goonside overall it's a public disgrace but can it be worse than the Nervous Disorder curse?

  6. Paisley was one Hell of a guy!

  7. Francis has just said a full Requiem for Ian at The Coloseum in Rome. He praised Paisley's gladiatorial spirit in the battle to bring PresbyterIANism & NO Presbyterism together into a common priesthood. Paisley, he said, had designs on a united kingdom that went in a regular semi-circular motion both ends of which converged at a common point.making a pleasing pattern. "Who am I to judge this brother Anti-Cathophobic?" he queried. "I am not obsessive enough to defend the terribly sinful Roman Catholic Church that has hated protestantism and is a Beast of an institution." He continued, "Thanks to great loud-mouthed demagogues such as our beloved fraternal and reverend Ian, we have managed to protestantise the Mass enough for him to be buried by it."
    The funeral ended with the hymn Luther's "Ein feste Burg ist unser Gott" & four lions were sacrificed to the gods of Rome.