This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 29 September 2014

The Apostle Judas Isconry resigns in shame

Jerusalem, AD 30

One of the country's twelve most senior clergy, Apostle Judas Isconry, today declared himself "relieved" that his secret was finally out. For months he had been "having a relation" with the chief priests, and in the end the fact that he had sold out for thirty pieces of silver became only too clear. After Jesus had been betrayed by Judas, He staged a surprise comeback, and promptly went to the Daily Mail (editor: St Matthew the Evangelist), which duly printed the whole story. However, Isconry insists that he is not resigning over his affair with the chief priests, but over an earlier relationship (believed to involve a man with horns and cloven hooves).

Judas Iscariot

Bishop Isconry caught by a Daily Mail photographer.

Bishop Isconry has now resigned his position as apostle, and his future is very uncertain. Said his senior colleague, St Peter, "Who are we to judge? The bastard betrays Christ, thinks of nothing but his own personal desires, and has caused untold distress to the folk for whom he was supposed to be a spiritual father. Give him a break!"

The Bishop himself was at pains to stress that he had at no time shown hypocrisy by preaching against the world, the flesh and the Devil. Indeed, many people, hearing his words, had wondered whether he was really an apostle at all. Moreover, he did not encourage Confession, for if he'd gone to Confession himself, it would have given the whole game away.

Godless Brighton

The fruits of Bishop Isconry's ministry.

The big question now is "How much did the other apostles know?" Could the Apostle Cormac himself really not have known about Judas's double life? Was the "Protect the Messiah" blog suppressed by the Archangel Michael because its author persisted in revealing embarrassing truths? Why did St Damian the Spectator not bother to investigate when he heard rumours about Judas - was it because they were not yet officially confirmed by Twitter? Does St Catherine the Popehater really think that an adherence to traditional rules is at the root of the problem? Indeed, should apostles be allowed to take wives - other people's wives, that is? Well this is all very sordid, so let's finish with a charming picture of a saint.

Kieran the contrite

St Kieran the contrite says "I like a wine with body..."

On an unrelated matter a reader, Mr Hilaire Belloc, writes:

Young Kieran was a naughty lad
Whose mischief made his parents sad:
For in Confession he would lie
And make up sins. The priest would sigh:
"Young lad, you say you've killed your aunt,
And eaten her - I cannot grant
You absolution for this sin:
Two hours ago, your aunt dropped in!
She showed no signs of being eaten."
The wicked lad was soundly beaten!
Sorry, ran out of ideas at this point. The plan was that he would become a bishop and get involved in an adulterous affair. But nobody would believe it, would they? H.B.

Francis facepalm

Pope Francis hears how well the English bishops are performing.


  1. Seems this is the only acceptable medium for speaking the truth these days. The truth is not acceptable - one must pretend and adopt a nuanced "tone". "Tone" is so very important in a world where objective truth is anathema.

  2. More cowardly attacks on St. Kieran. You should be ashamed of yourself.


    Diggy Salop
    sorry I mean
    Fidelity Always
    sorry I mean

    1. I'll raise you Glutmax, Lowry, Anonymous11.
      Follow that, Peter.......

  3. Would these women have looked twice at a grizzled old Bert had he not been a Bishop? More sins than first apparent here from all parties.

  4. Meanwhile in a sure sign of the end times, a spaceman is seen walking along the beach in Margate...

  5. Well, it was a dull try by Conroy. Typical NO! they always mean yes.

  6. He'll be alright. He wasn't saying that awful Latin Mass or an obsessive traditionalist. He's in full communion with Francis. They knew about it for years & must have approved. Ah! so reassuring this handy communion.

  7. Vincent Nichols is reported to have said that no one knew about Kieran's exploits with women that everyone was gossiping about for years....(Ooops!)

  8. He can always look after the laundry at The Vatican Bank.

  9. Thanks to @_Burt__ on Twitter for coining the term "Bishopsgate". Much better than my "Conrygate".