Plans for the 2015 Synod

We are privileged today to print an interview with Pope Francis. As is usual with papal interviews, no record was taken at the time, so it is being reported from memory. Moreover, my Spanish and Italian are rather weak, while the Pope's English and Latin are even weaker, so it is not clear that either of us knew exactly what the other was talking about.

Oh ****! It all went wrong!

Eccles: So, Holy Father, in the words of the blessed Paul Priest, the 2014 synod was a complete farce, wasn't it?

Francis: Yes, we'll have to do better next year. I tried to manipulate the synod so that it would decide what I wanted, but in the end my more traditional cardinals ganged up on me. Well, I won't stand for it next year! I'm having all the locks changed, for one thing, and the Swiss Guards have orders to shoot Burke, Pell, Müller, Napier, etc. on sight if they try to climb in through the window.

Eccles: So, will Cardinal Kasper be running things again?

Francis: Well, if possible. By doubling his medication we may be able to stop him singing "I talk to the trees, that's why they put me away" during Mass. Also, we can lock him in his room at night to stop him wandering round the Vatican biting people in the neck. But it's not easy to make him appear normal.

"I shall deny that this interview ever took place."

Eccles: Any "new blood" appointments to the 2015 Synod?

Francis: Yes, seeing their reports on this year's synod, I am going to invite some journalists along - perhaps Austin Ivereigh, Cristina Odone and Fr Thomas Reese SJ. I was very impressed with their new ideas of what Catholicism should be about, especially my Jesuit friend - no unwanted "holiness" about him, just simple secular liberalism!

Eccles: Now, turning to the 2015 Synod itself, what decisions have you decided that it will make?

Francis: Well, we need to write a clause about our love for homosexuals, of course. I have asked Vincent Nichols to draft something, and it will be along the lines of "We believe that you gays are lovable, fluffy people, with good taste, great dress sense and a natural charm. Please come to our Masses, and bring your friends with us. We love you all, and want to get to know you - although not in the Biblical sense, ha ha, as we don't use that book any longer."

Making Genesis gay-friendly.

Eccles: And how about the divorced and remarried?

Francis: We've agonized over that, and decided that in the end the sacrament of marriage isn't really worth the effort. As Jesus Himself said to the Samaritan woman, "You have had five husbands, and that old dirty old lecher drunk in the armchair at home isn't your husband. He's the local bishop! But that's just fine by me!" See? Problem solved!

The local bishop.

Eccles: Will Cardinal Dolan be attending?

Francis: Alas, no, it clashes with a Gay Pride march in New York; they've appointed him Supreme Obese Grandmaster of St Paddy's Rainbow Chasuble, so he can hardly refuse to attend.

Eccles: Holy Father, thank you for being so frank with us. It's great to see that the traditions of the Catholic Church are in such safe hands. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes, eh?

Francis: Er, about half past three, I think. Bye, Eccles!