Cardinal Kasper: the Pope's boss

As the Vatican's Extraordinary Synod on the Family approaches, we were lucky to be able to talk to Cardinal Walter Kasper, the man who has already decided what conclusions it will reach.

Pope Francis reacts enthusiastically on hearing what Kasper has decided.

"They're all out to get me," explained Wally. "All those Catholic fundamentalists who insist on being guided by scripture and tradition. After 2000 years of believing the same thing, you'd think that people would realise that it was time for a change! So now that I am in charge of the Catholic church - and Francis is my sockpope - I have called this synod to tell you which new doctrines I'm introducing."

A solution to an unhappy marriage.

"My colleagues tell me that it's unworkable," he continued, "but, after all, if a marriage is going through a bad patch, then Christian charity says that the partners should resolve the problem by having extra-marital affairs, or - if they are unable to agree on this - that one should murder the other. That's what Christ would have recommended if He had had the benefit of my teaching! We cannot simply take an off-the-cuff remark from the Bible, such as 'Thou shalt do no murder' and use it as a basis for our own actions."

Kasper's views are strongly supported by the Tablet. Although not going so far as to advocate murder, many of its journalists agree that Wally is on the right track here. "We believe in a compassionate Church, said one correspondent, "and that means saying to sinners, 'We love you, and we love your sins. Don't try and change!'"

Henry VIII - once described by Pope Leo X as "Defender of the Faith" - was also a good family man.

Kasper has explained that Sensus Kasperi in its widest sense should be the basis of all Catholic teaching; this means that he will carefully weigh up all the issues involved before deciding on the most deranged solution possible.

However, Cardinal Burke, for one, has made remarks which suggest some measure of disagreement with Sensus Kasperi. "The man's a nutter who should have been sent packing years ago," he advised us. "He doesn't know this yet, but he's about to be exiled to a recently vacant diocese in England - they'll put up with anyone over there!"

Likewise, Cardinal Pell, on being told what Kasper had in mind, was careful to be diplomatic in his criticisms. "The old geezer's got as much idea of Catholicism as a drunken wombat," he commented. "Wait until he experiences some real Aussie sledging at the synod. He won't know what hit him."

The Pope's new adviser.

So it seems that things will not run smoothly for Wally. It may even be the case that he will not have the Pope in his pocket after all. Throughout the synod we will be bringing you up-to-the-minute coverage, making sure that you don't miss any of the thrills, spills, blood, guts, and mayhem.

A badge being worn by many at the synod.