How to be a Christian and a politician at the same time

Many readers have written to me along the following lines:

Dear Eccles, I have been selected as prospective Conservative/Labour/Liberal Democrat/Buckethead candidate for East Cheam (or it may be Walmington-on-Sea), but I am worried that my religious views will make it impossible for me to succeed. Strangely enough, I am one of those Christians who basically believe in God, Christ, Sin, Redemption, etc. Can you advise me?

This is tricky, but I will try and explain what you must do. Well, you could become a DUP MP, where religious principles are actively encouraged, but this may not be possible in an English region such as Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh. So another strategy is required.

Tim Farron MP takes part in a charismatic service.

I also get letters from Muslims saying that they want to be Mayor of London but happen to believe in killing the infidels in order to end up with 72 virgins in Paradise. I explain to them that this is not a problem, as nobody will dare question them on the details of their faith. If they happen to take the Koran seriously then the BBC, Guardian, and other left-wing media will simply congratulate themselves on their tolerance of diversity.

So, how should the ambitious Christian proceed? Well, take someone like Theresa May or Michael Gove as your model. Support same-sex marriage, don't stick your neck out on pro-life issues, and remember that ONE DAY, PRACTISING CHRISTIANITY WILL BE ILLEGAL AGAIN, AND YOU WILL NEED TO MAKE A STRONG NOT-GUILTY PLEA.

"Only joking, folks!" Theresa May pretends to be a Christian.

Of course you will be asked by religious experts such as little Owen Jones of the Guardian, "But you're a Christian. Didn't God destroy Sodom and Gomorrah in the Bible? Doesn't that mean you want to burn all gays?" Or maybe "You're a Christian, aren't you? You don't like dismembering babies? What kind of monster are you, denying a woman's right to choose!"

Luckily, we have the modern Catholic Church as our model here. Fr James Martin LGBTSJ is our teacher on matters of homosexuality, and we now know from this great man that the rainbow brigade are above criticism, and should be allowed to do whatever they want, with whomever they want, whenever they want, without any comments being made. If you have not brought up your kid to be a transgendered gay activist with an interest in bondage and doing naughty things with geese (any Jesuit college can provide details) by the age of 8, then YOU ARE A BIGOT.

Hey, I've just received an invitation from Fr James Martin!

Likewise, Pope Francis in his unparalleled wisdom has appointed "philosopher" Nigel Biggar - who doesn't think that babies are human - to the Pontifical Academy for Life. (Sorry, this is often a satirical blog, but that appears to be a FACT.) The remaining members of the PAL are not yet finalized, but we expect that Peter Sutcliffe the Yorkshire Ripper and Gerry Adams of the IRA will become influential members.

"Help! It's someone from the Pontifical Academy for Life!"

Which brings us neatly back to politics. Good luck with your career, and, if you are asked about your beliefs, give a light laugh and say "Oh, we don't worry too much about moral issues in the modern church!" It's the only way you'll succeed.