The Book of St Richard, Chapter 31

Continued from Chapter 30.

1. It came to pass, the following Easter, that strange events took place in the mighty city of Lon-don, of which the mayor was Genghis Khan, a fierce Muslim warrior.

2. For the people were ordered to ignore the holy events of Lent and Easter, but to celebrate Ramadan, a month in which the Muslims fasted in the daytime and ate all night long.

3. Unlike other people, who fasted at night and ate in the daytime.

The mighty city celebrates Easter.

4. And Richard spake out, saying, "I was horrified to see this. For I am a cultural Christian, who likes hymns and carols. Also, I like cathedrals and churches."

5. For Richard had not heard the worst hymns such as "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine, Jesus, Shine", nor had he visited the cathedral of Clif-ton.

Nor had Richard seen this statue of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

6. Richard went on to explain that he enjoyed hot cross buns, Easter eggs, and sweet little bunnies (cooked in a red wine sauce).

7. However, although the Islamic faith also had its beautiful mosques, its great hymns such as "Shine, Mohammed, Shine" and delicacies such as hot crescent buns and sheep's eyes, Richard could not be a cultural Muslim.

8. For (he said) the religion of Christ was fundamentally decent, whereas the other one was fundamentally indecent.

Richard is obliged to disguise himself when he attends Mass.

9. For was not Islam hostile to women and to those men who chose to lie with other men?

10. Where were the female Imams shrieking "Wakey-wakey! Put your food away! Allah is great!" from high towers at the crack of dawn?

11. And where were the LGBTQ+ Mohammedits writing trashy books about "Building a Bridge"?

12. No, Richard could not say that he was a cultural Muslim.

"All Glory, Laud and Honour to Thee, Redeemer, King. Culturally speaking, of course."

13. "BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH," insisted Richard.

14. Which was perhaps a slight exaggeration, as Richard had never been known to murder or steal. Not even culturally.

Continued in Chapter 32.

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

The Book of Covidicus 15: a new threat

Continued from Chapter 14.

1. So the weeks rolled on, and the children of Bri-tain received the magic vixen that promised immortality.

2. And they continued to wear masks, even when walking in the wilderness miles from any other life save the locusts, quails, and wild beasts.

3. Now Bo-sis consulted with a team of wise men known as SAGEs: these included experts in astrology, decolonized poetry, necromancy, non-binary algebra, voodoo, post-feminist transgender studies, civilised engineering, anti-racist sackbut-playing, wizardry, and comedy.

4. The last of these was Neil, son of Fergus, who had surrounded himself with beautiful models, all of which gave wrong answers when questioned.

The sages tell Bo-sis how to deal with the plague.

5. So, as the sages continued to deliberate, Bo-sis remembered his solemn promise to the children of Bri-tain, that he would not require them to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that they had received the vixen.

6. Thus he spake out one day, saying, "I have had a jolly good wheeze, chaps! Let us require you to carry papers, known as passports, to prove that you have received the vixen!"

7. But before any serious decision could be taken, Bo-sis was forced to launch an assault on the pool known as Hartley, which had been possessed by the Starmerites as long as anyone could remember. For this was the time known as by-election.

The famous Statue of Liberty at Hartley's Pool.

8. It came to pass that Hartley's pool fell to Bo-sis, and he rejoiced greatly. And the Starmerites wept, saying, "The workers of Hartley's pool are indeed different from our own people of Islington: for they are hewers of timber, and drawers of water, and they hardly ever kneel down in memory of the blessed Floyd."

9. However, the people of Islington rejoiced, for Genghis, known as Khan, was reappointed as supreme leader of the Londonites, following a massive support from the criminal community.

10. Now, the time was fast approaching when the third step of Bo-sis's road map should be reached. Thus, the children of Bri-tain could visit each other's dwellings once more.

11. Also, gatherings outside were permitted, with no more than thirty people allowed, unless they had come to tear down statues, loot the shops, or attack the guards known as policemen.

12. And the SAGEs issued instructions, explaining how the children of Bri-tain should hug each other: for it was so long since people had been permitted so to do that they had completely forgotten.

Two members of SAGE demonstrate the Sign of Peace.

13. But there now came a new threat from far India: for the plague had mutated into a new more fearsome disease, known as Vindaloo, which caused a fever, a burning of the tongue, and an acidic stomach. The only known remedy for this illness was to drink of the mighty potion known as lager.

14. And the children of Bri-tain were severely perturbed, as this was likely to delay the promised return to normal living, which was due a month thence: thus they would be unable to finish the Book of Covidicus and move on to the book of Numbskulls.

Continued in Chapter 16.

Trouble with the Ealing Prayer Ban

After the High Court upheld Ealing Council's ban on prayer outside its flagship abortion clinic, Kildetots, police have been overwhelmed with incidents of alleged prayer, and all the cells are now full.

"Cripes! You've been nabbed!"

One of the first to be arrested was the local MP, Rupa Huq, alias Huq the Rupa, who, walking past the abortuary, was heard to mutter the words "Bless you" when she saw a passer-by sneeze. She is expected to serve a long sentence for this act of explicit praying.

Another to be found in the cells is Julian Bell, leader of Ealing Council. He was seen to scratch his chest while walking past the slaughterhouse, and this was interpreted by a passing policeman as "Probably making the sign of the Cross. Better bang him up to be on the safe side."

The highly-respected Mayor of London.

The Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, while floating above the death house disguised as a barrage balloon, was heard to emit wind. A local policeman promptly reined him in, saying, "That was one of those fancy Arab prayers, wasn't it? Allahu Akbar, was it?" Mr Khan explained that arresting someone for a Muslim prayer was a hate crime. "Hang it, Constable, this is London. We only arrest Christians!" He was released on police bail.

Mr Jeremy Corbyn, another fan of the Ealing prayer ban, was arrested when he tripped over a kerbstone. "It looked to me as though he was genuflecting," explained a policeman. His trial comes up next week.

On the other hand, Cardinal Vincent Nichols, the local ordinary, has so far not been seen praying outside the killing facility, even though to do so would give leadership to those who wish to reduce the number of deaths. It would never do for him to be mistaken for a pro-life advocate.

"So you're expecting your child to be a fish? Jolly good."

Ealing Council wins prestigious Heinrich Himmler award

Following its decision to impose a "safe" zone round its flagship baby-slaughtering facility, Ealing Council has been enthusiastically awarded the prestigious Heinrich Himmler award by the Himmler Foundation for Mass Murder, Genocide and Holocausts. Previous winners have included Amnesty International, Planned Parenthood and the British Pregnancy Advisory Service.

Sorry, today's news is not a subject for laughs.

Apparently some good and honourable Ealing Councillors felt it very important to prevent desperate pregnant women from receiving any help, for they considered that they had a quota of little corpses to fulfil if they were to keep up their reputation as the most Sadistic Bastards in London. Doubtless, some troubled ladies were feeling harassed by aggressive cries of "Can we help you?" and "Don't worry, dear," not to mention being deafened by silent prayer.

Genghis Khan, Mayor of London (or is it George Galloway?)

Mayor Genghis Khan, rumoured to be a descendant of the great Mongol Emperor Sadiq Khan, sent his congratulations to Ealing. "This is the way London is going," he said, "and I hope that this will bring me lots of invitations from such wonderful people as Justin Trudeau and Leo Varadkar. Anything to get away from this poxy city, which is so violent that I have banned lethal weapons such as spoons and egg-cups, not to mention dangerous acids such as lemon juice and vinegar. And don't get me started on the subject of foreign immigrants!" Other felicitations came in from Ripper Jaq, the local MP, who has been campaigning for "safe" spaces around death zones for some time.

It is now expected that Ealing's triumph will be recognised worldwide, and that luminaries from ISIS and North Korea will be hoping to arrange visits "to see how killing can be made safe, efficient, and above all uninterrupted, so that a good time can be had by all."

"We soon got rid of prayer vigils outside Auschwitz, I can tell you!"

How to be a Christian and a politician at the same time

Many readers have written to me along the following lines:

Dear Eccles, I have been selected as prospective Conservative/Labour/Liberal Democrat/Buckethead candidate for East Cheam (or it may be Walmington-on-Sea), but I am worried that my religious views will make it impossible for me to succeed. Strangely enough, I am one of those Christians who basically believe in God, Christ, Sin, Redemption, etc. Can you advise me?

This is tricky, but I will try and explain what you must do. Well, you could become a DUP MP, where religious principles are actively encouraged, but this may not be possible in an English region such as Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh. So another strategy is required.

Tim Farron MP takes part in a charismatic service.

I also get letters from Muslims saying that they want to be Mayor of London but happen to believe in killing the infidels in order to end up with 72 virgins in Paradise. I explain to them that this is not a problem, as nobody will dare question them on the details of their faith. If they happen to take the Koran seriously then the BBC, Guardian, and other left-wing media will simply congratulate themselves on their tolerance of diversity.

So, how should the ambitious Christian proceed? Well, take someone like Theresa May or Michael Gove as your model. Support same-sex marriage, don't stick your neck out on pro-life issues, and remember that ONE DAY, PRACTISING CHRISTIANITY WILL BE ILLEGAL AGAIN, AND YOU WILL NEED TO MAKE A STRONG NOT-GUILTY PLEA.

"Only joking, folks!" Theresa May pretends to be a Christian.

Of course you will be asked by religious experts such as little Owen Jones of the Guardian, "But you're a Christian. Didn't God destroy Sodom and Gomorrah in the Bible? Doesn't that mean you want to burn all gays?" Or maybe "You're a Christian, aren't you? You don't like dismembering babies? What kind of monster are you, denying a woman's right to choose!"

Luckily, we have the modern Catholic Church as our model here. Fr James Martin LGBTSJ is our teacher on matters of homosexuality, and we now know from this great man that the rainbow brigade are above criticism, and should be allowed to do whatever they want, with whomever they want, whenever they want, without any comments being made. If you have not brought up your kid to be a transgendered gay activist with an interest in bondage and doing naughty things with geese (any Jesuit college can provide details) by the age of 8, then YOU ARE A BIGOT.

Hey, I've just received an invitation from Fr James Martin!

Likewise, Pope Francis in his unparalleled wisdom has appointed "philosopher" Nigel Biggar - who doesn't think that babies are human - to the Pontifical Academy for Life. (Sorry, this is often a satirical blog, but that appears to be a FACT.) The remaining members of the PAL are not yet finalized, but we expect that Peter Sutcliffe the Yorkshire Ripper and Gerry Adams of the IRA will become influential members.

"Help! It's someone from the Pontifical Academy for Life!"

Which brings us neatly back to politics. Good luck with your career, and, if you are asked about your beliefs, give a light laugh and say "Oh, we don't worry too much about moral issues in the modern church!" It's the only way you'll succeed.

Which are the authentic believers: radicals or moderates?

In these troubled times, a debate has opened up about the role of religious fundamentalism. Which are the authentic representatives of their faith: the radicals who have been causing so much trouble, or the moderates who blend unnoticed into society?

A radical meets a moderate, or vice-versa.

It's a shocking thing for a blogger to say, but it is not the moderate Christians who reflect the teachings of their founder. As Mayor Sadiq Khan has said "Living in a big city, we must accept radical Christians, loving their neighbours, giving alms to the poor, visiting the sick, sheltering the homeless, protecting the weak, and so on. But there is no need to panic."

Of course most Christians are anxious to deny that they do "good deeds". They just want to fit in with society, for example by approving of abortion, or homosexual relationships.

Nancy Pelosi explains: we can be Christian without taking Christ seriously!

But the police are aware that some Christian preachers - a minority, certainly - are radicalising their flock with aggressive slogans such as "Love thy neighbour", "Obey my commandments", and "Peace be with you". There are destinations such as Jerusalem, Rome, Lourdes - even Walsingham - where people are deliberately encouraged to take Christ's teaching seriously.

Lourdes - should we allow people who have been there to re-enter the country?

There are those who claim that "true" Christianity is the moderate sort practised by ordinary non-religious Christians - the ones who attend church once a year, get drunk, watch porn, fiddle their taxes, and tell lies when they feel like it; but they have a weak case. For, look at the Founder of the religion, and He was nothing at all like that. No, those irritating do-gooders who cause such a nuisance may actually be nearer to the true faith. And - harsh though it may be - we should judge a religion by its founder. Unless it is Islam.

A charismatic Christian - probably the most irritating sort.

The end of Islamic fundamentalism

We have been consulted by various Muslims, anxious to solve the problem of "rigid" "fundamentalist" Muslims, the sort who think that massacring kids is a pretty neat idea. Now at last we have the solution!

HOLD A MECCA II COUNCIL!

After 1400 years, it is clear that Islam does need a little updating. For a start, the prophet Mohammed will have to go. Just as Anglicans have abandoned Jesus Christ in favour of Henry VIII, and Catholics now worship Pope Francis (your mileage may vary), it is possible for Muslims to have a new universally-respected leader, and here he is:

Sadiq Khan, descendant of Genghis, and Mayor of London.

Of course, we do not propose to jettison the Koran, which is a truly holy book for Muslims, but a new "Good News Koran" has been commissioned, replacing the old "King James Koran", and making the more controversial passages more user-friendly. Out go references to slaying the infidel, and in come touch-feely Islamic teachings about giving them a pretty fierce telling-off when they are invited round for tea and cucumber sandwiches.

Bring on the clowns!

Clown Masses work so well for Catholics, that Mecca II is advocating something similar for Muslims. And balloons. And liturgical dancing. Out goes Arabic as the main language of the Islamic Church, and in comes "Vernacular". No longer will Islamic festivals all be celebrated on the same day, but, taking the lead from the Catholics, local churches will be able to celebrate Ramadan, Eid, etc., at a time convenient to the local Imam.

Of course we still need the agreement of the more old-fashioned Islamic Churches - we don't regard the ISIS people as heretics, merely as slightly "traddy" - but there should be no serious difficulties in modernising Islam.

Paul Inwood - his Allahu Akbar Ch-Ch will be heard in mosques around the world.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. Then there came a great leader from the Western Lands, whose name was O-bam-a.

O-bam-a uttereth threats, yeah, even unto the fourth generation.

2. And O-bam-a spake, saying "I have a special relationship with the children of Britain. I love them, even as Les Dawson loved his mother-in-law."

3. "But should ye flee the land of EUgypt, then the first shall be last, and the last shall be first: that is to say, ye shall be at the back of the queue when it cometh to trade deals."

4. "No longer will ye be able to feast on the Cola that is Coke, nor the Mac that is big. Thus will ye starve."

5. And the people of Britain grew wrathful, saying, "What manner of man is it, that dareth to speak thus? And in six months from now, will not the Western Lands be ruled either by the Trump or the Clinton, whose only virtue is that they are not O-bam-a?"

6. Thus Cam-aaron's plan to keep the children of Britain in the land of EUgypt had taken a backward step.

7. Soon after this, his brother Bosis abandoned the city of Lon-don, where he was Governor. Thus the children of Lon-don appointed Sadiq Khan, the son of Genghis, to rule over them in his stead.

Khan, son of Genghis. Or possibly George, he that is called Galloway.

8. And Bosis continued to fight for Brexodus, while Cam-aaron continued to make threats.

9. "Woe unto ye if ye leave the land of EUgypt," said he. "For if ye do, there will be a great war the like of which ye have not seen before. The Assyrian will come down like the wolf on the fold."

10. "Further, the Hittites, the Thumpites and the Bashites will hit ye, thump ye, and bash ye."

11. "Also the bodysnatchers from outer space, the Klingons, the Daleks, and the triffids, shall join in a mighty war. Not to mention the Germanites."

A triffid prepareth to smite the unwary children of Britain.

12. And there, perhaps, he had a point. For the Germanites were clearly waiting for the children of Britain to leave EUgypt, so that they might smite the Franks again, as they had not done this for a few years.

13. But the people of Britain replied unto Cam-aaron, "Have a lie down, thou fool, for thou hast been working too hard."

Continued in Chapter 4.