This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Catholic converts - are they all nutters?

A special in-depth analysis for Crux, by Austen Ivereigh, with additional insults from Michael Sean Winters and Massimo Faggioli.

Converts!!?? Arentchasickofem??!! Blimey, I think they're all neurotic!!?? Not like me!!?? I've got a badge from my brain-care specialist saying that I am "almost sane"!!??

escaped lunatic

Shouldn't all converts wear one of these??!! Stands to reason, innit!!??

Pope Francis tells me that he has a serious problem with converts. Unlike most Catholics they have actually taken the trouble to study the teachings of the Catholic Church, and they keep tripping him up every time he gets it wrong. This is what we intellectuals call "a distorted hermeneutic". Curiously, that's also what my doctor told me I had got, when I strained myself throwing stones at converts. But I no longer need to wear a truss for it.

When I was press secretary to the Archbishop of Westminster, he drew my attention to a little-known convert called St Paul. We don't hear much about him these days, but my researches have shown that he was clearly neurotic!! Well, there you are then!!

Edith Stein

Edith Stein - another neurotic convert. H/T @drcrouchback

A neurosis is a pathological or extreme reaction to something that simply doesn’t correspond to reality. For example, a sample of Crux readers were asked for their reactions to my writing:

10% were suicidal,
20% said "I'm a teapot, I'm a teapot",
50% had severe bruising to their heads through repeated facepalms,
and the other 20% said they could no longer sleep with the light out in case the Ivereigh Monster came to eat them up.

Oh, I forgot John Allen, who simply said, "FANTASTIC STUFF, AUSTEN!! KEEP GOING!!"

A friend in Ireland writes: "I keep seeing people who seem to have converted because they believe what the Church teaches. What a change from the old days, when Catholics were Catholics because their parents were, and it was considered bad form to mention religion at home!"

Enda, you're right!!

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny, the most prominent "Catholic Voice" in Ireland!!

Conversion should be an act of humility. New Catholics should say themselves "Am I as humble as Austen Ivereigh?" They should forget all that they have learned about Catholic doctrine, and listen to the wise voices of people like me. It means faith - in the Pope and in me!! It means trusting that the Pope is guiding the Holy Spirit, and that I can do no wrong!!

Francis is the first to invite criticism - it bounces off him like water off a duck's back. Yes, he is always willing to clarify Catholic teaching, as Cardinal Meisner could have told you, if he hadn't died while waiting for an answer!!

So, let's have no more converts!!?? They're all nutters!!??


  1. Nasty Protestant gatecrashers . All they're after is a full set of Sacraments and a chance to show off their Latin. I had that Edmund Pevensie in the back of my sleigh once. Splitters the lot of them. Now if you'll excuse me , I have got yet another unwanted tenant bumming a sofa in my potting shed while lecturing me on how to suck eggs. He'll have to go when Phil gets back from his holidays in Connaught.

  2. Rigid nutters all around,
    whyever they so abound
    in true faith and noble deeds?

  3. I really, really enjoyed this post, Mister Eccles, Sir.
    Laughed so loud my ex-Calvinist body is now aching. Hard to be a convert these days. Especially one converted by one of the two previous rigid and bad popes. Most certainly the baddest of the bad, "Father Benedict". Mister Ivory scares me, LOL!

  4. Last year I was a deplorable person, now I'm an escaped lunatic? Well, whatever. At least I escaped Protestantism and am no longer the person I used to be. Now I'm a deplorable lunatic. But guess what? I'm a happy deplorable lunatic because now I know what truth is.

  5. I am not sure which made me laugh louder - your post or Ozzie's opening paragraph.

  6. If he's foolish enough to truly believe that, why in God's name would he choose to say it?

  7. Why? Because, like Eccles, he's Saved! (And they're Not, natch.)

    And some of these converts, they don't Join For The Right Reasons - such as supporting Justice'n'Peace, Ecumenism, Being Good to Gaia, Tweeting, Fighting for 'Equality' (i.e. Women-Priests) and Celebrating the Sheer Wondrousness of the LGBT Community, which are after all the only True Motives for being a Catholic.

  8. Cheers dear Eccles. I'm a convert to the Church founded by Jesus Christ himself after my main man Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI visited the UK in 2010 and it was the best thing I've ever done hands down.

  9. Having read the above I am thinking of changing my on-line alias to 'Neurotic Convert' or even 'Lunatic Convert.'