The ancient art of Papa-Slappa

As a public service to our readers, we shall explain the art of Papa-Slappa. This is the traditional Catholic form of self-defence, analogous to the Buddhists' Shaolin Kung-Fu, the Muslims' Allahu-Akbar, and the Anglicans' Wishee-Washee.

A Papa-Slappa white-belt master prepares to strike.

In the modern Catholic Church, all weapons are condemned, and so Jesu-i masters have developed techniques of self-defence known only to those Jesu-i knights who have reached the highest level. Rather than hitting each other with light sabers, the Jesu-is use Papa-Slappa to subdue their adversaries.

The basic technique is to lure the victim into a false sense of security, so that they believe they will receive a blessing, or at least that their petitions will be heard. Then WHOP! and they are left reeling.

A scene from Return of the Jesu-i featuring the robot MA55-1MO.

Traditionally the Swiss Guard have been armed with light sabers and other offensive weapons, but under the guidance of Jesu-i master O-be-goglio they have been asked to abandon these arms and train in the skills of Papa-Slappa instead. As we said at the Amazon synod, when worshipping wooden statues, "May the farce be with you!"

Another demonstration of Papa-Slappa is about to take place.

WARNING: Papa-Slappa is NOT a game. It is a martial art that requires years of practice and can cause serious injury (the Chinese lady in our first picture is currently convalescing in the St Nicholas home for wounded Catholics). Initiates should begin by practising with less aggressive martial arts, such as the Kissa-Peace, before attempting Papa-Slappa.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Smith

Our story is set a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. The Smith Lords are all-powerful, imposing their will on all intelligent life-forms. The cruel dictator, Darth Smithius, ferociously suppresses the old ways, which are still practised by the Latin-speaking Tradi Order - the ones who know how to use the Extraordinary Force. He drives them back as he imposes the Ordinary Force.

The all-powerful Darth Smithius.

The Tradi knight, Tim-obi Wan Fin-igan, is urged to flee the land of the black fens, and he takes refuge on the distant planet Thanetooine at the gates of Mar. Nearby, he finds another Tradi Master, Marcus Yoden, the custodian of the gates of Ram. Meanwhile, the black fens see the arrival of the young master Annoyin Stevefisher, who in those days has not yet turned to the Dark Side; he is considered to have been broadly neutral in the recent Clown Wars, when so many masses were taken over by puppets, clowns and liturgical dancers. The people of the black fens expect that the Extraordinary Force will be with him.

The temple in the black fens. Note the impressive array of light-sabres.

As we wait to see what Annoyin Stevefisher will do, we have a comic interlude, with various subsidiary characters such as the following:

The Wookiee cries in triumph, watched by the robots RAD2-D2 and CORM-3PO,

and of course this one:

Flabba the Shedd.

Back to the plot. In the black fens, Annoyin Stevefisher shows an instant hostility to the Tradi Order, rejecting the Extraordinary Force, and and driving many into exile. Nearly a year passes, and the black fens lie in ruins. It transpires that Annoyin Stevefisher has turned to the Dark Side. He even declares his intention to teach in a secondary school. From now on, he will be known as DARTH FISHER.

The dreaded Darth Fisher.

The power of the Smith Lords is now unchallenged, and the Evil Empire holds sway everywhere except on the planet Thanetooine. We shall have to wait for three more films before we see the Return of the Tradi.

Elton John tells us about Jesus

Sir Elton John, the musician, best known for his song "Scandal in the Wind", gives us this in-depth of analysis of Jesus, and what He would have said and done if he had "been alive today".

Jesus was basically a very Christian sort of person, you see; of course, he would have dropped the awkward bits of Christianity, such as claiming to be the Son of God, and perhaps gone in for a more touchy-feely version of the faith, perhaps influenced by Buddhism. Maybe he would have become a Jedi knight, and preached a good wholesome creed such as "May the Force be with you" (et cum spiritu tuo, Ed.) before hitting people with strip lights.

Elton John, with Jorge Bergoglio and Damian Thompson, in the 1970s.

Probably, Jesus would have come out as a gay man and entered into a civil partnership and then marriage with John, "the beloved disciple". Next, by means of a mysterious procedure which probably involves women somewhere along the line - but this isn't important - they'd have produced a couple of bizarrely-named sons, perhaps called Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John and Dwight Furniture Messiah-John.

Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John.

Of course Jesus was all about love, compassion, forgiveness and having a really kinky time - especially when this means that two or more people of the same sex - or hey, even different sexes! - can get together and do what they like. My old friend Jorge (like me he changed his name to something cooler) has stripped his church down to the bare bones, and when he said "Who am I to judge?" his real message was "Elton, get your trousers off!"

More from the historic meeting of Damian, Jorge and Elton.

Of course what Jorge needs to do now is to appoint lots of gay priests, especially married ones. It's what Jesus would have wanted, and I know that this is one of the pope's main priorities. I have offered my services as an adviser on spiritual matters, along with other great minds such as Catherine Pepinster and Nancy Pelosi, and I expect to be given a humble role - perhaps as Cardinal John, head prefect (and milk monitor) of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith - just as soon as the pope gets round to reading my e-mail!

Elton plays "Scandal in the Wind".

Church of England casts the net wider

The CNC is apparently unable to reach a decision on who to recommend as the next Archbishop of Canterbury: all the obvious candidates are either too traditional, too liberal, too evangelical, in favour of women bishops, against women bishops, writers of dreadful blogs, known clowns from Thought for the Day, in favour of same-sex marriage, against same-sex marriage, too black, too white, Arsenal supporters, Manchester United supporters, in the habit of sniffing too much, adenoidal, too fat, too bearded, or otherwise ruled out. Or if not, their wives are.

Accordingly the CNC has cast its net a little wider, and now it finally has a list of two nominees who are not Anglicans in the traditional sense.

Abu Hamza (often mistaken for Richard Chartres)

Widely regarded as a safe pair of hands hooks, Abu Hamza is just the person to bring a breath of fresh air to the CofE. Likely to be welcomed by many in the Muslim community. Only snag: do the people of Lambeth and Canterbury want to be woken at dawn by a voice crying "Ayeeeeeeee... Death to the Infidel. Ayeeeeeeee..." (Previously they were woken by the bleat of an "Ayeeeeeeee... I do think it is most valuable for us to be able to have dialogue with Richard Dawkins. Ayeeeeeeee..." from Rowan Williams.)

Yoda of the Jedi, this is

Yoda is claimed by some malicious people to be merely a puppet and not a religious figure at all, but then the same accusation has been levelled at people such as Giles Fraser, so this is not supposed to be a disadvantage. He is said to have Prince Charles's ear - and indeed the church's future primate and supreme governor do both seem to have hearing apparatus in the "XXXL" size. One snag: seems to have unfashionable views on Good and Evil, which may upset the General Synod. Will his comment "When you look at the dark side, careful you must be ... for the dark side looks back" return to haunt him? Will it put paid to any hopes of a merger with the Church of Satan?

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With Hallowe'en fast approaching, why not get yourself a Damian Thompson horror mask?

Be the blood-crazed life and soul of the party, as you impersonate one of Britain's leading comic characters! Strike terror into your friends, as they think you are about to bore them silly with your anecdotes about Mrs Gladys Mills! Watch them hastily hold in their stomachs, fearing that you might write a blog post about their weight problems!

Better still, wear it at Mass, and watch the priest hastily cross himself and sprinkle you with holy water!

Available from all good joke shops. Banal opinions on music, literature and politics supplied separately.