This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 3 March 2020

Joe Biden gets top Vatican job

Joe Biden, the CATHOLIC contender for the Presidency of the United States, has been honoured by Pope Francis for the clarity of his theological thought by an appointment to the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith.

Biden (a CATHOLIC) recently produced a statement of Catholic doctrine - his SUMMA MY THEOLOGY - that makes all other recent attempts look silly. His immortal words were:

We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created by the you know, you know the Thing.

Biden abd Pope

Francis and Biden celebrate the appointment.

Describing God as the Thing, although it would normally be considered blasphemous, is a vast improvement on other fashionable attempts to describe Him - such as the Mother Earth Goddess, Pachamama, God the Mother, or Obama. It will in due course lead to a rewrite of the Nicene Creed, as about the only piece of Catholic teaching that has not yet been mutilated by the Holy Father.

Although, like Sanders, Warren, Bloomberg, etc. Cardinal Biden is a ghoul who sees no problem with the killing of babies, and thinks marriage can be between a man and another man (or one woman and seven dwarves for that matter), he is of course a CATHOLIC IN GOOD STANDING, and that's all that matters.

Snow White and 6 dwarfs

"Where's Ivereigh?" Mrs S. White and six of her husbands pose for a photo.

There seems to be no obstacle preventing Cardinal Biden from becoming President of the United States as well as a member of the CDF - he is guaranteed the CATHOLIC vote by virtue of his piety and saintliness - and he tells us he is looking forward to jumping out of cupboards saying "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH THING!"

We did not dare point out that his boss Luis Francisco Ladaria Ferrer SJ is notoriously bad at this, and, being a Jesuit, would not know a heretical thought if you brought it to him on a plate adorned with a sprig of water-cress.

"You weren't expecting me, were you?"

Still, we shall watch the career of this good CATHOLIC with great interest.


  1. Speaking as a giant intergalactic space slug gangster, I am of course chuffed to hear fellow Catholic Joe Biden remind us that we are all created equal by an alien shapechanging horror from a frozen desert of despair.

  2. Chesterton wrote a book called The Thing - surely there could be no connection?