This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 19 March 2020

Why Eccles will tell no more jokes

Eccles's new law states that it is impossible to tell any joke without someone being offended.

Take for example the Tommy Cooper joke: "I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'"

With this joke the late Mr Cooper (99 today) has managed to offend Jews and Muslims (mentioning pork), fat people (mentioning "lean") and people with one leg shorter than the other (the other meaning of "lean"). So watch out for Mohammed Ben Fatwa, the overweight Muslim with a limp!


One man's comedy is another man's tragedy.

The same law has applied to me recently, and here are three examples.

Case 1. Someone on Twitter asks what she should do during the present crisis, if it is impossible to get to Confession.

Witty Eccles reply: Stop sinning.

Audience reaction: Let's be more charitable here, please. Accusing S. of being unable to stop sinning is the height of rudeness.


Well, that went down well!

Case 2. We have the usual St Patrick's Day dispute about whether St Patrick was English, Scottish, Welsh, or something else. Someone says that he was Scottish.

Witty Eccles reply: You're thinking of St Andrew.

Audience reaction: (patiently). No, no, he's the Patron Saint of Scotland. If he was Scottish, his brother Peter would also have been Scottish.

St Andrew relaxes after a hard day's apostling.

Case 3. An American priest (who claims to have a sense of "humor", whatever that may be) tells us that he tried to give up chocolates for Lent, and failed.

Witty Eccles reply. "This is the face of true evil."

Audience reaction (and this, if anything, proves that British irony doesn't travel well): I hope you didn’t give up "calling priests evil" or "exaggerating" or "joking not joking" or what New Yorkers called "joking on a square" for Lent.

Francis and choco-Luther

Pope Francis will not eat his choco-Luther until Lent is over.

O.K. from now on I will stop telling jokes. Here instead is a purely factual piece of spiritual nourishment.

New Catholic helpline.
Worried about / whom to consult.

Climate change - Pope Francis.
Coronavirus - Cardinal Nichols.
Sexual problems - Cardinal Marx.
Sin, redemption, etc. - Er, position still vacant.

To which someone added: Liturgical Dancing / Cardinal Tagle. See? People are starting to appreciate my serious comments.

Tagle prancing

Pope Francis II?


  1. I am sure this will go a long way toward civilizing (or civilising, if you will) the Twitter swamp.
    Or possibly not.
    But well done, in any event.

  2. Surely Cardinal Mr McCarrick would be better than Marx for that particular consultancy, especially with such extensive first hand experience?

    1. Ahhhhhh, but Mr.McCarrick no longer holds the title of " Cardinal " as he has been " laicized". As well, my opinion is that Marx supports a much wider range of sexual sins. He equally justifies the sins of heterosexual heterodox beliefs with homosexuality, polygamy, pedophilia, polygamy, bestiality, "self-love", and numerous and various other terms that describe lifestyles and actions that I am unfamiliar with and refuse to be scandalized by finding out .

  3. Tagle may end up second string. There's always Parolin.

  4. Thank you again Eccles. We need humour more than ever in these times!

  5. Frankly, I liked you more when you were offensive.

  6. eccles has had me in the stitches and forwarding his articles to many i loved cardinal dolan sumo wrestling.

  7. I was glad to see your final Twitter post above was factual and unable to scandalize your sensitive Twitter followers. I do think that the fourth consultant position on the 'Helpline' is going to be pretty difficult to fill. Maybe those sensitive souls would make a few suggestions?

  8. Don't play with bagpipes. You could put your aye out, or worse yet, get kilt.