This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 31 March 2020

Lockdown Diary, Day 7313

March 31st 2040.

Well, here we are after 20 years of lockdown caused by the Coronavirus, which keeps mutating every so often into something even nastier. The present incarnation is called COVID-39.


The latest form of the Coronavirus.

We are still allowed out to go shopping, and for exercise, but the churches have now been closed for 20 years. It is hard to remember what it was like in the old days, when we went along to St Daryl the Apostate and received Communion on the tongue (to the great annoyance of one or two pearl-clutchers who didn't actually believe in the Real Presence), or, if we wanted, did the Sign of Peace and sang hymns such as Cumberland ("Someone's eating sausages, Lord, Cum-ber-land..."). I may have got the words wrong after all this time.

Nowadays the churches remain closed, and all Masses are live-streamed. Pope Francis II (alias "Chito" Tagle) takes a very relaxed view of these, and priests no longer have to wear vestments. Many of them stay at home and stream the Masses from their bedrooms, without even bothering to choose the liturgically-correct colour for their pyjamas.

Father Brown pyjamas

Father Brown dresses down for his livestream Mass.

Of course "Chito" takes seriously some aspects of worship, especially liturgical dancing (getting down wiv da yoof, as the 82-year-old teenager puts it) and the faithful are encouraged to skip around their houses during Mass. "Chito" claims to have arthritis and sciatica, so that kneeling is out of the question, but he can still dance the Funky Cardinal.

Late news: a new strain, the Coren virus, is infecting our brothers in the Anglican Church (having flipped between the Anglican Church, the Catholic Church, the Seventh-Day-Adventists, the Baptists, and the Pachamama Church several times during the last 20 years). It is particularly unpleasant.

Coren virus

The Coren virus.

Even later news: Eccles is still waiting for an answer to his "Dubia" - why was he excommunicated from Twitter?


  1. It has been pointed out that to associate the Chinese-pangolin-bat-plague with the dubious culinary practices of the Chinese is not fair - and indeed rood - but a donkey is allowed to do this for two reasons: 1. not having any identifiable capacity to make moral judgements, thereforte not racist by definition; and 2. because the dubious medicinal practices of the Chinese involve stealing donkeys from poor African villagers and skinning them to make the quack medicine ejiao, which is unscientific because a quack medicine should be made by skinning a duck. But we do have to be very very careful not to agree with a donkey who holds such views, or we may be seen as virally incorrect.

  2. Frankly, I'd like to cancel Twitter. They don't make any sense. Of course, that's the norm for the MSM. I anticipate Twitter closing down after losing your wonderful supporters. Even so, it is a sorry place without you.

  3. But he can still dance the "Funky Cardinal", 🤣🤣🤣

  4. Dear Eccles, did you sign up for Parler? The app is red, I'm on there as @GraceCastle20. It'd be great to see you on there. I posted your Mar 31 blog, but you're so saved you probably know that 🤣

    1. No, I'm not trying other social media at present. While we're waiting for me to be #saved, people can always follow this luvvly blog by email.

  5. You are not forgotten. Bishop Mignon and Abp Phys (named for Phys 878, known for his role during the Martian heresy) are sending appeals on your behalf to Pope Jack on Twitter.

  6. 20 Years After! Yet alas, no Dumas theme. Is dear Anti Moly still kicking, drinking hard & waiting to be buried under an avalanche in the sequel?

  7. Stay saved - we are all supporting a #bringbackbruvver on Twits

  8. Rich Raho is slamming USCCB for just claiming abortion is an important issue. 200,000 mostly older Americans will die from COVID, so 500 to 600,000 dead babies isn't an issue. He teaches religion in a 'Catholic' high school...

  9. What our apostate bishops are doing is illegal. There was a birdie that tipped me off on this the other day. The same birdie that told me that a Ukrainian Catholic priest's refusal to admit me to communion after I had been chrismated at a Melkite parish was illegal. The latter resulted in a successful complaint made against the Ukrainian Catholic priest who is now we'll we'll i am eligible to receive sacraments at his parish.