This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 9 August 2020

The Dark Lord Bauron calls a meeting

So it came to pass that the Dark Lord (Bishop) Bauron called a secret conference of his allies: there came unto his online DOOM meeting a host of wizards, witches, orcs, trolls, balrogs, wargs, giant spiders, Jesuits, and many others.

Bishop Barron on fire

Mordor on Fire!

And Bauron addressed his troops as follows:

"Friends, before we start may I just mention that I have a new book out, the Sellamillion, which you will all want to recommend to your flocks? If you have a book tolkien to spend, then you cannot do better.

Now, we are here today to declare war on the forces of tradition, led by my arch-enemy Radtradagast the Grey, Marshal of the tailors.

For too long have the Rad Trads criticised our ways, and refused to serve in my Mordor on Fire Empire. They shout out incantations in the old language of Latin, refusing to worship in Orcish, as agreed by the 2nd Council of the Vat Orthanc. They preach ancient doctrines, such as the existence of Hell, and they believe in the literal truth of scripture. They insult my good servant Father James Sarumartin the rainbow-coloured, builder of the Bridge of Elbigat and author of much fine new teaching.



Worse of all, they report on all are we are doing, with tabloid-style journalism, using the book of faces, the elvish twitters, the tubes of You, and the great web of the world."

"What shall we do, Master?" asked a young orc, with more courage than wisdom.

Vapourising the unhappy creature instantly for its impertinence, Bauron spake out in a voice of Doom: "FRIENDS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE A GOOD CRY ABOUT IT. But if Cardinal Gollan turns up, ask him to give me a ring, would you?"


  1. Better than Cats! I loved it so much, I'm happier than Tom Bombadil!

  2. In a serious comment for a change (as a donkey keeper am I even allowed to do this?) I have been concerned for some time about the loony element of the Catholic right wing, particularly in the USA. I converse with traditional Catholics in the USA who did not sign up for a Trump frontal lobotomy and maintain their distance from it all; and as a one-time founder member of a particular traditional Catholic blog, I am so sad to see skewed football-supporter type crude politics taking priority over the mission of the Church. Nuff said.

  3. Equusasinus, you're right. It WOULD have been better to have the Hillary as President. She is after all a Marxist, pro-abortion, "wife" of a frequent visitor of Epstein's island of "delight", receiver of bribes, selling of her office, etc.

  4. This is so funny, it makes me think I had better read the original stories. They may not be as much fun as yours, Eccles.