This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 14 August 2020

Day of Judgement marks downgraded

August 14th 2021

Religious leaders have complained that the results of the Day of Judgement are "a complete fiasco" and "unfair and unfathomable", after the marks for many candidates were downgraded from the predictions given by their spiritual leaders.

C of E jumpers

"We're going to Heaven!" Or are they?

Worshippers from a variety of religions have discovered that the heavenly places they expected have been refused to them.

Said Pastor Noodle of the Calvary Chapel, "I awarded Mr Bosco three A* grades, and was expecting him to take up his place in the University of Heaven. After regrading, he was awarded F-, F-, F-, and will be forced to go to a much less prestigious place."

Similarly, Imam Oran complained: "I awarded grades to my class which would have granted them each 72 virgins in the afterlife; after re-assessment, they ended up with 72 sturgeons each, and most of them don't even like fish."

Nicola Sturgeon

Or maybe it wasn't fish.

Problems in the Catholic Church too, where Headmaster Francis's assessment of his star pupils Blase Cupich, James Martin, and Austen Ivereigh turned out to be wildly optimistic. We are still waiting for the end-of-term report on Ted McCarrick, but it seems that his predicted grades of F-----, F----- and F----- are more-or-less accurate.


"I'm appealing!" (Oh no you're not!)


  1. Here in Spain, university places are awarded on teacher assessment of expected exam grades plus students' performance in the general university entrance exam ('selectividad') which took place in July 2020 *as normal*! Spanish universities trust teacher assessment. It is a pity that the British education authorities have little regard for the professionalism of teachers, while in EU countries where I have taught, it is generally accepted that British teachers are trained to a higher professional standard, particularly in rigorous pupil assessment. The Secretary of State for Education's main achievement as "Fireplace Salesman of the Year" gives him a credibility in these matters that should take second place to the experience of the education professionals that this government of woefully poor middle-managers so mistrust.

  2. Does this mean there are no awards for 'good sportsmanship'? (It's not that I think Cupich would earn that, either...)

  3. Good enough A-men levels for Heaven? Let's hope so!

  4. This was hilarious from start to finish. My particular favourites were McCarrick's end of term report and having to go to a much less prestigious place 😂