The Book of St Richard, Chapter 30

Continued from Chapter 29.

1. Two more years passed, O Theophilus, and Richard continued to rage against God, and especially the Catholics and Muslims who, for different reasons, were serious in their beliefs.

2. And the liberals cheered him, saying "This Dawkins is one of us", and indeed he had won the prestigious "Services to Godbashing" award from the British Godbasher Association, the even more prestigious "Carpet-chewer of the year" prize from the American Carpet-chewer Society, and the very wonderful "GOD-EX-TER-MIN-ATOR" medal from the Dalek colony in outer space.

Those were happy times for Richard.

3. But the world was moving on, and those who favoured liberal opinions suddenly found that they needed to change their beliefs with the times.

4. For in Richard's youth it had been well known that there were just two sexes, indeed "male and female created He them" was considered to be an obvious truth, at least if rewritten as "they had either male or female genes, although we don't believe in any Creator, ha ha!"

5. But there arose a myriad of other sexes, carefully renamed as genders, except when used in expressions such as "Gender Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll".

6. Indeed, Joanne of Warthogs, writer of 7 books, each longer than the previous one, had been cancelled because she refused to move with the times, and insisted that all people were either male, female, or Snape.

7. Thus the liberals said "We will buy all the copies of her books and burn them". Which did not distress the lady Joanne too much.

The train that Joanne wished to take was also cancelled.

8. Then Richard spake out too, and for once he decided to speak out about something he knew about.

9. "Sex really is binary. No question about it. Simply look at your selfish genes, and you can tell what 'gender' you are, and you cannot change it," said he.

10. And there were howls of rage from the liberals, who had now renamed themselves "Wokes" with the slogan "Be kind".

11. "Richard is a hater! Cancel him! Exterminate him! Buy all his books and burn them!"

12. "Richard is literally Hitler!"

"I agree with Richard!"

13. And the Mouthfoaming Association of Loonyville, California, withdrew Richard's prestigious Moathfoamer of the Year award.

14. But Richard refused to recant his beliefs, although he was embarrassed to receive an invitation to join the Vatican Synod of Synods and the Muslim Synod on Infidel-smiting as an external expert.

Continued in Chapter 31

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

Fr James Martin wins Comedy Award

Fr James Martin SJ is known for his gifts as a humorist, often seen in his uncanny ability to draw the wrong conclusions from the Gospel or indeed anything else he comes across. Of course, in Jesuit circles, this is regarded as theological brilliance, while the rest of us simply appreciate it as light comedy.

Fellow-comedians Colbert and Rosica rush to congratulate Martin.

For those of us who hang onto his every word on Twitter, the following Martinism was a classic of the genre.

Wit from Fr James.

This is excellent humour. Nowhere in the Bible nor in Christian tradition is it ever claimed that the Holy Spirit is female. The Catechism of the Catholic Church uses "he". There is a weak argument based on the fact that certain Aramaic words (such as "ruah" or "ruach") are female - similarly, all German girls are neuter (it seems ungallant to point this out, Eccles, they don't all look like Angela Merkel) and cats are female, while French "personnes" are all female.

A female "personne".

Fr James (or should we say "Parent James"?) has had a long and successful career as a comedian. Another of his classic japes was to use the picture below as an argument for women priests. You see, it's a 3rd century woman in what looks vaguely like a dalmatic, so she's obviously a deacon, so...

Lady in a dalmatic (or possibly Demis Roussos).

Therefore we are delighted to announce that Fr James Martin wins the April "Comedy Vicar" award, also known as a "Giles", being a tastefully-designed statuette of Giles Fraser. Congratulations, Father, er Parent, James!

A prestigious "Giles".

For another take on this story, we recommend Faith In Our Families.