The Book of St Richard, Chapter 30

Continued from Chapter 29.

1. Two more years passed, O Theophilus, and Richard continued to rage against God, and especially the Catholics and Muslims who, for different reasons, were serious in their beliefs.

2. And the liberals cheered him, saying "This Dawkins is one of us", and indeed he had won the prestigious "Services to Godbashing" award from the British Godbasher Association, the even more prestigious "Carpet-chewer of the year" prize from the American Carpet-chewer Society, and the very wonderful "GOD-EX-TER-MIN-ATOR" medal from the Dalek colony in outer space.

Those were happy times for Richard.

3. But the world was moving on, and those who favoured liberal opinions suddenly found that they needed to change their beliefs with the times.

4. For in Richard's youth it had been well known that there were just two sexes, indeed "male and female created He them" was considered to be an obvious truth, at least if rewritten as "they had either male or female genes, although we don't believe in any Creator, ha ha!"

5. But there arose a myriad of other sexes, carefully renamed as genders, except when used in expressions such as "Gender Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll".

6. Indeed, Joanne of Warthogs, writer of 7 books, each longer than the previous one, had been cancelled because she refused to move with the times, and insisted that all people were either male, female, or Snape.

7. Thus the liberals said "We will buy all the copies of her books and burn them". Which did not distress the lady Joanne too much.

The train that Joanne wished to take was also cancelled.

8. Then Richard spake out too, and for once he decided to speak out about something he knew about.

9. "Sex really is binary. No question about it. Simply look at your selfish genes, and you can tell what 'gender' you are, and you cannot change it," said he.

10. And there were howls of rage from the liberals, who had now renamed themselves "Wokes" with the slogan "Be kind".

11. "Richard is a hater! Cancel him! Exterminate him! Buy all his books and burn them!"

12. "Richard is literally Hitler!"

"I agree with Richard!"

13. And the Mouthfoaming Association of Loonyville, California, withdrew Richard's prestigious Moathfoamer of the Year award.

14. But Richard refused to recant his beliefs, although he was embarrassed to receive an invitation to join the Vatican Synod of Synods and the Muslim Synod on Infidel-smiting as an external expert.

Continued in Chapter 31

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass

An edited version of a National Catholic Reporter piece by Zita Ballinger Fletcher.

One culture within the Catholic Church needing major reform is that surrounding the practice of the Latin Mass.

A typical devotee of the Latin Mass.

Even the name reeks of dishonesty. Some people call it in the Tridentine Mass, but I looked in my Big Girl's Atlas of the World and there is no country called Tridentia. No, the language is definitely Latin. As far as I can ascertain, nobody used Latin at Mass until 2007. If speaking American was good enough for Columbus, it's good enough for me!

I come from a strong Catholic family. We used to go to Mass regularly - sometimes as much as twice a year - and of course we didn't use Latin. EVERYONE understands American provided that you speak loudly enough, and that includes God! If He exists, of course... Still I decided to attend one of these Extraordinarily Formal Masses, to see what the fuss was about.

It should be obvious to everyone that Latin was the language spoken by Nero, i.e., the language of oppression. It's no coincidence that Latin Mass devotees like to pull the wings off butterflies.*

*Probably.

Indeed, it's fair to say that Latin Mass congregations are all basically fascist, racist, and LITERALLY HITLER. They weren't actually wearing swastikas when I attended, but you could see that they probably would when nobody was looking. I heard a rumour that Trump goes to Latin Masses in secret, so there you are.

And, phew! It is so sexist. The men don't wear skirts and mantillas, but many of the women do! In an attempt to fit in, I bought a special rainbow mantilla from James Martin Enterprises, but I got some funny looks when I wore it. Also, for some reason black is the preferred colour, not a jolly scarlet. Except for the men...

I wanted to dress like this, but they advised me not to.

Now let me describe the service in detail. The priest didn't smile at me once, unlike my own priest Father Doris SJ (he's looking into the possibility of transitioning, and why not?). The Catholic fascist priest kept using a "liturgy" rather than providing the clowns and puppets that we expect in the modern Church. I clutched my Pachamama doll and sobbed.

Before I went to the Mass they told me that a rosary was a very popular accessory to carry. I thought they meant roses, so I brought in a huge bunch of chrysanthemums and waved it at the priest's back (he rudely refused to face me). It turns out they meant a dangerous-looking chain made of beads. I'll bet they use them for garrotting anyone who puts a foot wrong.

A rosary. Scary-looking, isn't it?

The people attending the Latin Mass kept referring to someone called Christ - unknown to me, although I am a good modern Catholic. They even had a prayer attributed to him, rather than some solid wisdom from the works of Pope Francis. My spiritual director told me later that Christ was an important figure in the pre-Vatican II Church, but his words were never recorded with a tape-recorder, so they could not be trusted.

Worst of all, the priest forgot to anounce the Hug of Peace in the Mass. I went up to him while he was gabbling away at the altar, nudged him, said, "You've forgotten the most important part of the service!" and gave him a cuddle. He said "Retro Satanas" which I think means "Hugs and kisses" and turned his back on me.

At this stage in the Mass, we usually have a liturgical dance. But everyone looked at me when I stood up and did the can-can while the priest was saying HOC EST something. Nobody joined in, although some did make face-palm gestures, so I suppose that may be the Tridentine equivalent.

A typical reaction to my liturgical can-can.

And what's all this Gregorian chant stuff? You can't dance to it, at least not something lively. Get Gregory to write something new, I say, or else ask Marty Haugen and his mates to oblige!

I went up to receive the Lord's Din-dins, as we call it in my usual Church. The priest refused to put it into my handbag so I could take it away, and insisted on cramming it into my mouth! Also, I was expected to kneel at an altar rail, installed specially as a symbol of hate and oppression, as must be obvious to all of us.

Anyway, I think I've said enough for you to realise that I found the whole Latin Mass oppressive, sexist, racist, homophobic, Nazi, culturally imperialistic, alt-right, clericalist, rigid, and limited to narrow-minded rituals. STOP IT AT ONCE, I SAY!

Everyone who disagrees with me is Satan

When you're debating religious or political issues, I find that insulting your opponent is the best way to win the argument. For example, the people who imposed same-sex "marriage" on us - something that ten years earlier everyone had recognised as absurd - managed to get their way by means of the powerful slogan "Bigot! Bigot! Bigot!"

A happy couple (now long-since forgotten).

On Twitter it is well-known that everyone you disagree with is literally Hitler. There are lots of 127-year-old Germans with silly moustaches sitting around in sheds, shouting hateful Nazi slogans such as "We don't think much of the EU" and "Er, perhaps Donald Trump is a better bet than Hillary Clinton."

Is this literally YOU?

Curiously, this is mainly a left-wing thing, and you don't see conservatives labelling people as Stalin or Mao - probably because for so many lefties, these mass-murderers are still regarded as heroes. So the insult becomes a compliment.

"And this attachment is for hitting cardinals with."

So we come to Satan, himself. I must plead guilty on this score, since I have long referred to Mrs Clinton as Hell Cat, and regarded her as a tool of the Devil. This is mainly because I don't share her enthusiasm for dismembering live babies and selling the remains off commercially (this is what is technically known as "planned parenthood").

Still, there are apparently worse things that one can do. Pope Francis himself picked out what he considered one of the great evils of the world when he described parish secretaries as like "disciples of Satan" - we never got to the bottom of this little rant, but one theory is that he had decided to make one of his spontaneous 3 a.m. phone calls to a random victim, but had been told to get off the line, have a cup of cocoa, and go to sleep. EXACTLY what Satan would say.

"Oh Lord, I hope that's not the pope again.

And now he's at it again. Pope Francis told the Curia that resistance to reforms is inspired by the Devil. Since these reforms apparently include modernisation and gradualism (discernment), we have a problem here, as these are the sort of thing that previous popes were very much against. Odd, that.

Unfortunately, the Holy Father has now run out of superlatives. All I know is, I'm glad I don't work for the Roman Curia. Two years ago it was a listing of their "spiritual diseases" and now they're being told that they're ALL LITERALLY SATAN. Call this job satisfaction?

Pope Francis upsets the Turks

Ahmet Davutoglu, Prime Minister of Turkey, has angrily condemned Pope Francis's description of the Ottoman Empire's murder of 1.5 million Armenians as "the first genocide of the 20th century".

"Hey, Francis, we only killed half the population. Not a real genocide!"

Clearly, mentioning this sort of thing is bad manners, and according to poor injured Ahmet "an evil front is being formed before us. Now the pope has joined it and these plots." Apparently, this is the end of the famous saying "Turkey's voting for Christians". Pope Francis, in turn, has responded by giving up turkish delight, which he was going to do anyway, given that doctors had told him he was getting overweight.

The Holy Father is no longer delighted.

We are expecting further outspoken comments from the pope any time now. It is thought that he may mention the War (you know, it involved someone called Adolf Hitler, generally understood to be something of a bad egg), if he can face the wrath of Angela Merkel. Or he may go even further and talk about Stalin, in which case Vladimir Putin won't be sending him any more Christmas cards.

Preparing for a meeting with Angela Merkel.

Of course Turkey is one of our highly esteemed allies in NATO, so that if Pope Francis's tactless mention of the Armenians is to be regarded as an attack on it, then the UK, USA, etc., will be asked to declare war on the Vatican. The UK is already calling up its shock troops, the geriatric ACTA Brigade, which has been dying to have a pop at the pope for several years, especially during this era of diplomatic tension with the Bishop of Lancaster.

ACTA's youth coordinator rushes to the defence of Turkey.

Dawkins explains moral philosophy

This blog has often expressed the opinion that Richard Dawkins is barking mad. On the other hand, we do not think he is as barking mad as Anjem Choudary, the Muslim activist who looks forward to the day when the flag of Islam is hoisted high over the Knesset, the White House, Downing Street and the Kremlin. So that's all right then.

"Being made into soup by cannibals is bad, but it's worse if they forget the salt and pepper."

Professor Dawkins recently managed to offend a number of people with a succession of tactless tweets, of which this is an example:

Learn to think the Dawkins way.

E: Richard, how nice of you to drop into this blog. Well, not nice, really; pretty horrible in fact. But not as bad as having my toenails pulled out. Is it worth pointing out to you that sometimes making gratuitous comparisons is silly and unnecessary, and that it can often be offensive?

Molesworth compares mumps and measles. This is not an endorsement of mumps.

R: But Eccles, this is LOGIC. You just haven't learnt how to THINK, boy!

E: Could you give us another example of your amazing insights, Richard?

"Jack the Ripper wasn't as bad as Hitler."

E: Good point, Richard. Er, is that supposed to be an endorsement of Jack the Ripper, then?

At this point Professor Dawkins lost his temper and stabbed Bruvver Eccles to death.

Reader's voice: That's pretty bad, but thank goodness he didn't cut him up and eat him!

Having your head cut off is bad, but worse if you forgot to put the cat out first!

The Gay Murder Debate

From the blog of Father Z, author of "I'm a St Mark's Man" and "Cannon Law Made Simple".

Say the black, do the red, and eat the orange.

Should homosexuals be allowed to commit murders, when such conduct is forbidden to heterosexuals? Sometimes their crimes don't get any publicity, do they? Try Googling "Jack the Ripper", a notorious heterosexual murderer, and you´ll find there are millions of hits. But try Googling "Htarfogh Jukjlpop", a "gay" murderer from Latvia, and you'll find hardly any mention of his crimes!

At the end of Mass last Sunday, I heard two of the congregation - probably homosexual - talking. "Fancy a takeaway?" said one. "I could murder a Chinese or an Indian," said the other. "Or how about something Italian? A pastor maybe?" [This bit goes in black bold square brackets because it's where I needed a lie down.] Everyone talks about Custer's last stand against the Native American Indians, but do they mention gay Catholics attacking pastors? [Now would be a good time to scratch your ear if you feel like it - remember, say the black and do the red!]

General Custer - persecuted for not being "gay".

Remember St Paul's letter to the Roman Catholics? "It has come to my attention that some of my brethren have been indulging in unnatural sexual practices and sometimes murder. Be sure that the Lord doth not approve. By the way I am sending you a parcel of Mystic Monk coffee, as an aid to digestion and virtue."

---

From the blog of Damian Thompson, once described as a "custard-crazed ferret".

Damian Thompson.

Father Z's blog shows the most disgusting nasty vile disgraceful homophobia that I have seen since Brother Eccles mocked the late Soho Masses on his own blog. May I point out that on the Telegraph blogs we have 200 gay bloggers, and I do not know of any who are murderers! Also, I think you'll find that it was General Custard, and not Custer, who was such an enemy of the Indians.

A close personal contact in Rome, Signora Odone, who cleans the papal washrooms, has kept her ear to the ground, and she assures me that Catholic teaching on the rights of homosexuals to commit murder is sure to evolve.

Father Z's ranting reminds me of the worst excesses of Adolf Hitler. Which is a cue for an amusing story: when Hitler heard of the defeat at Stalingrad, he went mad and started biting the carpet. But, his staff told us, "He always made sure that he had plenty of custard on it!"

---

A deacon writes.

Eccles is getting at me again, I see, from the references to Hitler, above. Call me the Deacon from Hell, mock me all you want, but spare my family, and above all spare my pet goldfish, Adolf.

Adolf, a goldfish in good standing.

After a campaign of stalking and harassment some brilliant detective work, I am finally ready to reveal the true identity of Eccles! It is a town somewhere to the south-west of Manchester. And he thought he could keep this a secret!