Christian Comment at election time

Deacon Donnelly, formerly a protector of the pope, has had a "Christian Comment" article banned by the prestigious Barrow Evening Mail, because of its political content: apparently the suggestion that Christian belief might actually be relevant for those wondering how to vote was too much for the newspaper. The Evening Mail claims to be in pre-election "purdah" - itself a Hindu/Muslim notion, involving the editor covering her body and retiring to a secluded room.

The Evening Mail's ace reporters on the streets of Barrow.

Admittedly, the Evening Mail has had an exciting week, with many more interesting news stories to cover, and it may simply not have had space to publish the Nick Donnelly piece, provisionally entitled Help! All the candidates is unsaved persons. Take, for example, this story, which gave the newspaper a "Hold the front page" moment, involving all the staff working overtime.

A story soon to be taken up by newspapers worldwide.

The deacon's full article can be found here, but as a public service we publish a revised version, which should meet the rigorous journalistic standards of the Barrow press.

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Every General Election I am faced with a dilemma as a Christian – which candidate and political party can I vote for in good conscience?

Well, they're all jolly good chaps, aren't they? Labour's wonderful - very sound on making sure that all kids are adopted by gay couples! Killing off baby girls - that's another nice one! My heart warms to John Woodcock - a great man and a great star. He reminds me of many of my favourite Biblical characters such as Cain, Jezebel and Herod the Great.

Then the Liberal Democrats and Green party are even better! Abimelech and Herodias would have voted for them, like a shot.

Abimelech is declared to be duly elected to parliament.

It's been really great seeing David Cameron's legalisation of same sex marriage, especially since it was a surprise that we weren't expecting! And LGBT rights are now to be taught in Christian schools, which will be much more useful to 5-year-olds than learning to read. Simon Fell is the Conservative candidate, and he's the first animal-human hybrid to stand for parliament. Well done!

He's no worse than many other MPs, to be fair.

You don't need to make a protest vote, but many of my friends who want to see the entire third world starve to death say that UKIP may be the way ahead here. An embarras de richesses, eh?

It is a solemn and binding duty to vote. Didn't Emily Davison say "I have a dream" and then spend 27 years on Robben Island fighting the Fascists in World War 2, all because she wanted to put an X against the name of some deranged half-wit chosen from a bunch of greedy, perverted time-servers? So we should do this too. But how can I choose?

See, Nick! Be nice about everyone, and they'll publish your piece. Eccles.

Sigh... here we go again.

Adopt a Deacon!

Some of you will remember dat a few weeks ago I adopted a random cradinal - in fact de website assinged to me Cradinal Ouellet. De good man didn't make it to Pop, but he has been in de news recently, cos de Pop sent him to tell de English and Welsh bishops dat dey aint all saved, cos some of dem aint been standin up for truth and justice.

Why is it always you four that I read about on Eccles's blog?

Anyway, we gotta new scheme goin now, which is to adopt a deacon. After all, cradinals is generally pretty well off, both spiritaully and materially, whereas deacons is de lowest of de low, often wiv naggin wives and screemin kids, and perhaps a parish priest wot gets em to unblock de drains after Mass.

A liturgical plunger - essential equipment for a deacon.

Anyway, I singed up for de new "Adopt a Deacon" scheme, cos I know many very good deacons wot could benefit from a few prayers, gifts of old socks, and so forth. In fact dere is one wot lives in de beuatiful town of Barrow-in-Furness and runs a website called Protect de Pop. I was hopin to get him, so I buoght myself de ceremonial pjyamas of de Swiss Gaurd, so dat I cuold do a bit of pop-protectin myself.

My new pair of pjyamas.

Also I got a Swiss army knife, wot has got a special blade for stabbin atheists with.

Still, it was not to be, dey has assinged me a very miserable deacon in Croydon, wot spends his time moanin at uvver Cathlics. Dis is gonna be a big challenge for me but I is gonna bring a little sunshine into de man's life.

De place where I is gonna bring sunshine.

In fact dere has been even more recent developments, as I has been invited to become a deacon myself. I got dis very interestin e-mail from someone called Chuck Umunny in Nigeria, wot told me I could become a deacon by a correspondence course. All I gotta do is give him my bank detials, date of birth, and other pussonal detials such as de name of my favuorite actress (Tina Beattie). In fact de trainin won't take long, as it aint very hard to do deaconly fings, you just says de black and does de red, as a friend of mine puts it - and, of course, you puts de plunger in and woggles it a bit once de priest has blessed de drain.

I may also have to trade in my red beretta (to which, strictly speaking I is not entitled) for a deacon's hat. Dis is de one I has chosen.

Wot deacons gotta wear in church.

So, if de course goes as planned, I will soon be Deacon Eccles. I will keep you posted.