Pope Francis wins a medal

As he comes to the end of his term as president, Joe Biden has decided to give Presidential medals of Freedom to all his best friends: Bono, Hillary Clinton, George Soros, ten people who tried to shoot or at least lock up Donald Trump, Darth Vader, the Emperor Dalek, The Joker, Riddler and Penguin, etc. etc. and last but not least Pope Francis.

The citation for Pope Francis mentioned his humility, his mercy, his synodality, his tolerance of Catholics of all flavours - from the most rigid TLM-aficiando all the way down to those who thought the whole thing was a bit of a joke and really supported Planned Parenthood.

It is believed that Biden will soon be honouring other prominent Catholics, such as Uncle Ted McCarrick and Fr Marko Rupnik.

"We're going to need a longer ribbon, Mr Soros."

Now that Joe and Francis are best mates, the Holy Father has decided to respond by canonizing the president Santo Subito, even though such honours are usually reserved for dead people - not just brain-dead people - and would not normally be conferred this quickly unless the holy person had produced a good website (so Leo XIII, Thomas à Kempis, Pius XII and G.K. Chesterton will have to wait a few hundred years more).

"Here's your halo. We're making you the patron saint of ice cream."

Sir Michael versus St Michael

Sir Michael Palin, by and large a very funny comedian and all round nice guy (yes, I've even met him), has objected to the medal that goes with the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George, as he finds it offensive to see St Michael stamping on the head of Satan. (The medal was redesigned a few years ago to make Satan white rather than black, because everyone knows that Jesus is black but Satan is white. Ask Justin Welby.)

The earlier form of the medal.

"It would be much nicer to see St Michael shaking hands with Satan, perhaps even offering him a cup of tea," explained the great man. "As a veteran of Monty Python, Ripping Yarns, etc., I have made it my lifetime's work not to offend people. Rudeness, blasphemy, naughtiness - they were always right out!"

A tasteful inoffensive scene from The Life of Brian.

"As a celebrity, it is my duty these days to stand up for religion," continued St Sir Michael. "Now that Christianity has more-or-less disappeared - at least in the circles I mix in - we have to remember the great Commandment that Black Lives Matter and White Lives don't. In point of fact, I don't wear my medal in public, only in the bath, and no one ever sees it. But if they did see it... well, nobody expects the BLMish Inquisition!"

As seen in Sir Michael's Ripping Yarns, and not likely to offend anyone.

We tried to contact St Michael about his scandalous habit of stamping on the head of the Devil, but we were unsuccessful (as Piers Morgan put it, "Just because he's an Archangel, he thinks he's too grand to come on my rotten television programme"). Likewise, our attempts to contact Pope Francis in order to get the saint de-canonized were unsuccessful - apparently he has a backlog of rigid traddy saints that he has to sack first. Too bad.

Enough of this filth!

O worship the pope!

We strongly recommend this video by Emily Clarke, which has been produced in honour of Pope Francis, due to visit Ireland next year to see whether there are any Catholics left there. It shows the best of modern Catholicism, pushing aside Jesus Christ in favour of an unqualified adoration of the Holy Father.

According to the lyrics, "The Lord kept his promise to us and sent us a treasure to see us safely home." This treasure being, er, the pope.

Shine, Francis, Shine!

Of course the pope, being a humble and modest man, has angrily written to sister Emily to tell her to delete her video, which anyone but the most arrogant of people would find rather embarrassing. Luckily, we still have some screen captures to see us safely home.

A quick change of dress mid-song, and we pose in front of the Tabernacle.

Actually, dear Emily may not have changed her dress in the middle of the song; it may be a trick of the light, like that ambiguous dress which, according to the Daily Mail, has "divided the Internet" because nobody is sure what colour it really is. And nobody really cares.

The first ascent of the north face without ropes. And another change of dress.

According to the song, the pope was chosen by God, as a leader for our times. Well, it was either God or the St Gallen Mafia, and we still haven't sorted out all the contradictions in the apostolic exhortation Austenis Iveria. But let's be charitable and suppose that the Holy Spirit spoke through Cormac Murphy-O'Connor when Francis was chosen.

Very dignified. Very tasteful. Oh, and the dress - what there is of it - is red.

Well, thank you very much, Emily. We'll let you know.

For those whose collection of Pope St Francis memorabilia is still not complete, we have another exhibit.

Santo sùbito! A miraculous medal.

Well, that's enough papalistic adoration for now. In fact, the medal I was given says "Insult us" on the back, and that does seem to be a more likely prospect.

However, we can report that the crisis involving the Knights of Malta seems to have been resolved. You will recall that it had reached an impasse, with the conversation reduced to "You have no authority to judge us." "Oh, yes we have!" "Oh no, you haven't!" etc. Finally, following my personal intervention, we have a solution.

Pope Francis and Fra’ Matthew Festing decide to settle things by sumo wrestling.

The laws of Christianity

With the news that the Vatican is to have its own cricket team, it is clear that some readers would appreciate a handy cut-out-and-throw-away guide to the game of Christianity.

The laws of cricket, however, are well known.

1. In the game of Christianity, there are two teams, called the saints and the sinners.

2. The team of sinners is much larger than the team of saints, and beginners will usually start there. This is called original sin.

Howzat? An original sinner.

3. The object of the game is for the sinners to become saints. The saints will help this, but other sinners will try and prevent this.

4. Declaring one's innings closed is considered bad form, although not against the laws of the game. Causing someone else's innings to end is more serious, and the party responsible loses the game.

5. At various stages in the game a "tempter" will run up and attempt to get past a player's guard. Points are scored for batting away such attacks.

6. The player who is batting has a variety of scoring shots available, all with technical names such as praying, fasting, alms-giving, etc.

7. A cry of "Alleluia!" or "'Owzat?" will greet the end of an innings.

8. There is a Trinity of umpires. Two of these are out on the field, but one is pavilioned in splendour and girded with praise. Their decision is final.

The pavilion at Lourdes cricket ground.

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Meanwhile, as the Vatican decides whether to recognise the controversial events at Medjugorje as apparitions of the Virgin Mary, it has been asked to adjudicate on another controversial event.

Probably NOT Mary.

According to a part-time mystic, Brother Eccles, he was on holiday in the village of Muddlejorge, when he awoke from a doze to see an old lady in the room with him, smelling of gin. She screamed "WOEFUL!" at him, hit him over the head with a bottle, and then herself fell to the floor and started snoring. Eccles blacked out for a while, and when he regained consciousness, the lady had vanished.

A Vatican spokesman said: "As in the case of Medjugorje, this is totally unlike the apparitions of the Virgin Mary that we have so far accepted - Lourdes, Fatima, Walsingham, etc. - in both the appearance and the message of the alleged apparition. However, 'Woeful!' is probably a good rendering of Mary's views of the current state of the world, so perhaps it was a genuine apparition after all. Who knows?"

Eccles's Auntie Moly was unavailable for comment.

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Finally, the Vatican has withdrawn a papal medal where the name "JESUS" was misspelt as "LESUS".

I blame the Lesuits.

In fact, this is not the first time that J and L have been confused in religious circles. In the first century, in an attempt to appease the Romans, St John wrote "God is Jove". However, this was transcribed as "God is Love", and we have had to live with the consequences ever since.

All churches closed by the Olympics

The Olympic Rings - used without permission

The London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games has written to Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Rowan Williams, as well as the leaders of many other churches, cults, and sects, to instruct them that if any religious services are held within the next month, they will be in breach of new laws designed to protect the Olympics and their sponsors.

Their representative, Mr Coca-Cola McDonald, explains:

"For the next few weeks, it will be against the law to read out certain texts from the Bible. Here are some examples of sentences that are clearly an attempt to cash in on our very exciting games:

Genesis 13:2: And Abram was very rich in possession of gold and silver.

2 Samuel 2:18: Now Asael was a most swift runner, like one of the roes that abide in the woods.

1 Corinthians 9:24: Know you not that they that run in the race, all run indeed, but one receiveth the prize?

We are trying to track down Messrs. Abram-alias-Abraham, Asael, and Saul-alias-Paul, with a view to making prosecutions. Meanwhile, we also have exclusive rights on the numbers '2012' and '12' so all references to the 'Twelve,' whether disciples or tribes of Israel, are out."

Here are some more examples of serious criminal offences, which will be punished by the courts.

A provocative parody of an Olympic medals ceremony (after the fencing finals)

Rowan Williams with an ethically-sourced Fairtrade wafer (illegal, as not provided by McDonald's)

The illegal wearing of medals in public

The cult of Dawkinsology is also affected by the new regulations, as its powerful slogan "It was all invented by Bronze Age goatherds" is seen as infringing the Olympics' copyright on the word "bronze." Archbishop Richard Dawkins has promised that from now on he will only scream "Iron age goatherds" when trying to arrest passing priests in the street.

Will I still be allowed to say "sky fairy?"