Clap the Church each week!

In these dangerous times everyone wants to thank the front-line troops - bishops, priests and deacons - who are protecting us against Damnation, sometimes at risk to their own souls. So at 8 p.m. every Thursday it has been agreed that we shall Clap the Church (not "give our clergy the clap", which means something else entirely).

A bishop, priest and deacon trying to save a soul.

With its catchy slogan "Save the Church by staying away," the campaign has thrilled the hearts of all our people. The Daily Mail has airlifted an aeroplane full of "PPE Equipment" - cassocks, chasubles, stoles, albs, you name it - from China, so that our "Boys in White" (or whatever liturgical colour it should be right now) can be properly equipped.

Admittedly, clapping is not the only activity that we have seen: some people have gone further, praising bishops with sound of trumpet, praising them with psaltery and harp, praising them with timbrel and choir, praising them with strings and organs, praising them on high sounding cymbals, and even - in extreme cases - praising them on cymbals of joy.

"Unclean! Unclean!" A poor sick man praises the Church with a bell.

It has been claimed that the campaign to "Save the Church by staying away" has been a little too successful: most of the buildings remain empty. The clergy are also often under-employed, and have been seen making TikTok videos in which they dance around the aisles - to the annoyance of many devout worshippers who think they should be at the "coal-face" of soul-saving.

A typical TikTok video.

Still, these are minor considerations, and all citizens are invited to be happy-clappy at 8 p.m. on Thursday. We shall be sending the police out onto the streets to make sure you participate - not-clapping is now a criminal offence, considered to be as serious as sitting on a park bench or sunbathing in a public place! You will obey!

Advice to worshippers at St Big Benedict's Church

Fr John Bercow writes:

Hello, and welcome to St Big Benedict's Church, Westminster, which is I hope a model for churches everywhere. We have had a few problems recently linked to the arrival of new worshippers, mostly from Scotland, so I think it would be helpful for me to explain what is considered to be appropriate conduct during Mass.

St Big Benedict's Church.

1. No clapping in church. We're not happy-clappies you know! The way to signify your approval of a prayer is with a simple "Amen", not a frenzy of clapping and cries of "You really socked it to us there, Father!" If the deacon manages to read the lesson without falling over, there is no need to give him a standing ovation, gifts of flowers, etc. Just act as if it was perfectly normal behaviour.

2. No selfies in church. That includes you, Mhairi Black, you naughty girl! if we let you worship with the grown-ups, rather the attending the under-9s junior church, then you must learn to behave!

We have a naughty step for people like you, Mhairi!

3. No fighting for seats. Poor old Grandad Skinner tells me that he has to come in at 4 a.m. now in order to avoid having his pew taken by our Scottish worshippers; I appreciate that some of you don't realise that he has occupied the same seat for 94 years. Have respect for an old man's wishes - remember. it's row 66, seat 6, that's the number of the Beast of Bolsover. By the way, Grandad, if you could try and stay awake in the service, and stop waking up suddenly with cries of "rubbish!" then we will all be happier.

"... and when I were a lad we 'ad to get up at 3 a.m. to go down t'pew.

4. Dress appropriately! Men should wear trousers, and women skirts, not the other way round! And what was all that nonsense about wearing white roses in Mass? Who do you think you are, Geoff Boycott? Apparently the roses weren't from Scotland, or indeed Yorkshire, but were lovingly grown by slaves in Africa. So what was the point, eh?

5. We are a religious institution. So if I ask you to confess your sins, you do not reply "I deny everything!" Moreover, when the collection bag goes round, put money in, don't take it out. If you have an urgent need for a duck house, you buy with it your own money, not ours!

God Bless!

Fr Bercow, robed for Mass.

Bad Hymns 5

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is Kum Ba Yah, or, as it is known in Yorkshire, Ee Ba Gum. This is a negro spiritual, which somehow escaped from the Dawkins slave plantations and ended up as a hymn in happy-clappy churches. We had some trouble tracking down the authors, since they quite understandably wanted to remain Anonymous, but in the end we succeeded.

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The authors of Kum ba yah

E: Welcome, Anonymous. Now, what exactly does "Kum ba yah" mean?

A: It means "Come by here," Eccles, and is a reference to Revelation 22:20, "Come, Lord Jesus."

E: I see, yes, it does sound a bit like "Come by here," spoken by a Yorkshireman with a mouthful of chip butties. Why not just write "Come by here?"

A: We wanted to make it more ethnic, you know. That way it doesn't sound so ridiculous when accompanied by guitars and drums.

E: I see we get exactly 30 repetitions of "Kum ba yah". What is it about the number 30? In the previous hymn we discussed, "Walk in the Light" is also repeated exactly 30 times.

A: Is it? Perhaps we'd better add another verse or two and claim the record?

E: Now, apart from "Kum ba yah," the words are very simple. We get "Someone’s laughing," "Someone’s crying," "Someone’s praying," and "Someone’s singing,"

A: Give us a day or two, and we could come up with some extra verses, then. "Someone's sneezing," "Someone's giggling," and "Someone's snoring?"

Someone's yawning, Lord, Kum ba yah.

E: Yes, that wouldn't make the hymn any worse. Who is this "Someone," anyway?

A: Do you know, we never really discovered that! When we were writing the hymn we were distracted by some noises from next door. Our secretary, not being very bright, thought that our complaints, "Someone's laughing," and so on, were part of the hymn we were dictating to her.

E: Well, thank you very much, Anonymous. I am sure that "Someone's laughing" indeed!

Someone's laughing, Lord, Kum ba yah.