New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

Archbishop does his duty shock horror

The Catholic world is up in arms today at the news that the blessed devout Catholic Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the House of Representatives in the USA, has been banned from taking Holy Communion in the diocese of San Francisco. Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone shockingly does his duty - where will this scandal end?

Nancy is out of luck.

Now you too can tell Cordileone where to get off. Here is your "Justice for Nancy" bingo card.

Meanwhile other devout Demo-Catholics such as Biden and Occasional-Cortex were said to be "not at all worried" about their own positions. There is absolutely no danger that their own bishops will take any action.

Just remember that if you can't give your child the affluent lifestyle of an LGBTSJ New York Jesuit with a string of trashy books bringing in the loot, then the prolife thing to do is to kill him.

The last word, as ever, goes to Pope Francis. I wanted to write a parody, but the original cannot really be beaten:

Bono: Do women & girls play a powerful role in tackling the climate crisis?

Francis: In the Common home, we usually speak of Mother Earth, not Father Earth. This is very clear. Besides, as I told you a while ago, since that afternoon of the apple, [women] are in charge.

"Once upon a time there was a fading singer."

Are you a top Catholic?

As described slightly inaccurately here, 100 rich and famous people in San Francisco have written an open letter to the Pope demanding the removal of Archbishop Cordileone because of his insistence on Catholic values. The comedy PR man, Sam Singer, has been hired to help, and he has made the very important point that these are "top Catholics", not just any old people. Which raises the question: what is a top Catholic?

This is what a top Catholic looks like.

Unfortunately, I have not heard of most of the top Catholics in San Francisco, although they do include Charles Geschke, the president of Adobe Systems. He's the one who sends alerts to my computer every two or three days announcing a new version of Flash Player. Being gullible, I download them, but they never work properly.

However, there are top Catholics everywhere, and we can only gaze at them in wonder. When the "kiss of peace" comes in church, you are not allowed to shake hands with them, but there will usually be an aide available to represent them.

Remember that Jesus said "You cannot serve God and Mammon, so choose one of them. I really don't care which!" To be a top Catholic, you really need to be rich and powerful, so make sure you choose Mammon!

Happy 92nd to Mother Angelica, a highly revered Franciscan nun. Not "top" though.

Who are the two people mentioned in the Nicene Creed, apart from Our Lord? Well, Mary, of course, but the other is Pontius Pilate, the man who liked washing his hands. Pretty "top" I'd say, and without too many religious convictions to get in the way. Unlike Nicodemus and Joseph of Arimathea who started off "top" but went downhill once they started to take religion seriously.

Chris Patten, named by the Tablet* as one of the most influential UK Catholics.

*Of which he happens to be a Trustee. That proves he is a top Catholic.

Well, you get the point. When the Day of Judgement comes and Christ has to choose between sheep and goats, what will He do? Will He take aside the president of Adobe and say ironically, "You know, your program still doesn't work properly, but you're a top Catholic so come and sit and my right hand," or will he settle for a humble nun who spent her time doing good deeds and saying the Rosary? I've no idea.

The Pope is honoured to meet a top Catholic with no particular religious views.

One last point. It is the season for letter-writing, and now Cardinal Nichols is getting very worried that people may write to the Pope complaining that he is too strict about upholding Catholic teaching. May I implore readers NOT to do this? Thanks.

San Francisco Catholics ask Pope to replace God

Satan. Increasingly popular amongst San Francisco Catholics.

More than 100 people claiming to be Catholics have signed a full-page advertisement in the San Francisco Chronicle. It takes the form of an open letter asking Pope Francis to name a new God more closely aligned with San Francisco’s progressive ideals. Apparently, the "usual" God, known to some as Jehovah, Yahweh, or simply God, is increasingly out of touch with liberal ideas on morality, and it is time for a replacement.

Baal - said to favour same-sex marriage.

Being himself the offspring of a "three-parent family", namely, a man, a cat and a toad, the demon Baal has been suggested as a worthy replacement for God. Admittedly, he is regarded as one of the seven princes of Hell, and also identified with the god who had trouble with Elijah in the Old Testament, but he is not known for fostering "division and intolerance", which, in the eyes of San Franciscans, are the worst sins possible.

The worship of Mammon is also very popular amongst SF Catholics.

The signatories of the letter include various influential Catholics, such as B.L. Zebub, the uncle of the captain of SF's pancake-racing team "The San Francisco Tossers", Lucy Fur, a director of the "Catholics for Abortion" charity, and Belle Phe-Gore, a prominent politician and expert on getting other people to pay carbon taxes.

Archbishop Cordileone - so far uncooperative.

Even though all the signatories to the letter are very very rich, important and famous, it seems that neither Pope Francis nor Archbishop Cordileone of San Francisco currently favours dropping God in favour of one of the more demonic alternatives. We don't often find ourselves in agreement with Cardinal Kasper on this blog, but even that Prince of the Church has declared that "Worshipping Satan is a step too far. Maybe. Well, at least at present." You can't get much more definite than that!