Am I bringing joy into my life?

Having seen Pope Francis's ten tips for bringing joy into one's life, I thought I'd see how well I was doing, and, in cases where there was room for improvement, who I should take as my role model. If anyone wants another ten tips, then look here.

Attempt all of these.

1. Live and let live. I'm not very good at this, frankly. When I read of massacres in Iraq (for example), I do start getting annoyed, even though strictly speaking it's none of my business. Perhaps David Cameron (last seen staring at dead fish in Portugal) is a good role model for this one.

2. Be giving of yourself to others. I'm writing this blog, am I not? This is my mission to the slightly-saved, that they may become more-saved. I think I get a mark here.

3. Proceed calmly in life. Yes, I've read Desiderata too: Go placidly amid the noise and haste, etc. Yup, I'm fairly calm and placid.

Not going to lose my temper, but it was an Eccles cake I ordered.

4. Have a healthy sense of leisure. As the saying goes: sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits. Is this healthy? Obviously the Holy Father isn't recommending sloth, is he? It's having a healthy sense of work that I find difficult.

5. Sunday is for families. Ha ha ha, every day is for families, especially when you have an aunt who keeps running out of gin and ekes it out with anti-freeze and toilet-cleaner.

6. Find ways to employ the youth. Anyone who makes approaches to youth, saying "Would you like to earn some money, little girl?" is likely to end up being questioned by the police. For similar reasons, I suppose, boy scouts no longer offer a "Bob-a-Job" where they would clean the car, cut the hedge, walk the dog, tidy the kitchen and cook dinner, all for the sum of 1 shilling (5p). So I fall down dismally here. Who is my role model? The Guardian, which employs Owen Jones (age 8)?

... and the Guardian is looking for a left-wing feature-writer.

7. Respect and care for nature. Yes, on the whole. Respect, rather than reverence, or worship. So I bow to cabbages, but do not genuflect in front of them. I retrieve lost-looking spiders from the bath, and put them in my aunt's bed. Yes, full marks here.

8. Stop being negative. No, I won't! Ah... that was a trap, and I fell into it. All right. From now, I'm just a boy who cain't say "NO", so my role model is Oscar Hammerstein II, who wrote these words for Oklahoma!

I cain't say No!

9. Respect other's beliefs. This is a toughie. Where do we draw the line? Atheists? Muslims? Satanists? Mormons? Baptists? Perhaps I get half a mark for ecumania here, as I get on rather well with some (but not all) Catholics, Anglicans and Baptists, for example. Perhaps we need to look to Cardinal Nichols, who offered flowers at a Hindu altar. Cardinals are never wrong.

10. Work for peace. This is one I understand, and appreciate. How sneaky of the Pope to slip in something Christian at the end!

The Verdict.

All churches closed by the Olympics

The Olympic Rings - used without permission

The London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games has written to Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Rowan Williams, as well as the leaders of many other churches, cults, and sects, to instruct them that if any religious services are held within the next month, they will be in breach of new laws designed to protect the Olympics and their sponsors.

Their representative, Mr Coca-Cola McDonald, explains:

"For the next few weeks, it will be against the law to read out certain texts from the Bible. Here are some examples of sentences that are clearly an attempt to cash in on our very exciting games:

Genesis 13:2: And Abram was very rich in possession of gold and silver.

2 Samuel 2:18: Now Asael was a most swift runner, like one of the roes that abide in the woods.

1 Corinthians 9:24: Know you not that they that run in the race, all run indeed, but one receiveth the prize?

We are trying to track down Messrs. Abram-alias-Abraham, Asael, and Saul-alias-Paul, with a view to making prosecutions. Meanwhile, we also have exclusive rights on the numbers '2012' and '12' so all references to the 'Twelve,' whether disciples or tribes of Israel, are out."

Here are some more examples of serious criminal offences, which will be punished by the courts.

A provocative parody of an Olympic medals ceremony (after the fencing finals)

Rowan Williams with an ethically-sourced Fairtrade wafer (illegal, as not provided by McDonald's)

The illegal wearing of medals in public

The cult of Dawkinsology is also affected by the new regulations, as its powerful slogan "It was all invented by Bronze Age goatherds" is seen as infringing the Olympics' copyright on the word "bronze." Archbishop Richard Dawkins has promised that from now on he will only scream "Iron age goatherds" when trying to arrest passing priests in the street.

Will I still be allowed to say "sky fairy?"