The Book of St Richard, Chapter 29

Continued from Chapter 28.

1. One day, Richard looked at himself in the glass and said "Am I not a perfect being?"

2. "I am the brainiest zoologist in Oxford, I am so handsome that I have had three or four wives (I forget exactly how many), and my genes are tighter than anyone else's."

3. "What a shame that there are people in the world less worthy to live than I am."

4. "For the butcher is spotty, the baker knoweth no theology, and the candle-stick maker hath arthritis."

5. So Richard spake out to a man known as Brendan the radio host, who made a living by listening to the wise words of sages and prophets, or at least the vain boastings of celebrities.

"We've invited an African as part of our diversity programme."

6. Now Brendan had a daughter who was blessed with the mark of Down. And he loved her dearly.

7. So Richard, whose studies had made him an expert on moral issues, as well as tact and politeness, said to Brendan "Why didst thou not slay thy daughter? It would be moral, nay, wise and sensible so to do."

8. So Brendan asked Richard whom else he would slay.

9. And Richard spake out, saying "Let us slay the deaf and blind. For this would increase the amount of happiness in the world. Besides, they never buy my books, my CDs, my videos, or my tee-shirts."

10. And on further reflection Richard was willing to slay those who broke a leg, or suffered from a hangover. For what use were they to the world?

11. So it came to pass, when all men had heard the wise words of Richard, that he got up to leave the studio.

And now cometh the Nemesis of Richard.

12. And Brendan cried "Look where thou art going, professor: art thou blind?" For Richard had crashed into a statue of Darwin which had been brought into the room to make him feel at home.

13. But Richard, being aged four score years, heard not the warning, neither saw he the statue.

14. And as he lay on the floor, with a broken leg, he said bashfully, "I am sorry, Brendan, I have drunk of the wine that is red, and it hath given me a headache."

15. So Brendan reflected that it might not be difficult to find someone who was deaf, blind, blessed with a broken leg, or suffering from a hangover. Especially one who brought no happiness into the world.

A perfect being.

Continued in Chapter 30.

Cure found for Dawkins Syndrome

Many parents are worried that their babies may be born with Dawkins Syndrome, especially when a pre-natal scan shows a scowling baby with a head full of porridge.

Such a child can indeed be difficult to bring up - he often shows cruelty, no sense of morals, arrogance, selfishness, and stupidity. Still, people with this condition can often live full and rewarding lives, for example by taking unskilled employment as professors of zoology.

The patient sometimes believes that he is a rabbit.

In old age, however, we often see the worst psychological problems develop: an obsessive desire for publicity, including the habit of saying nasty things in order to be noticed; a conviction that one is always right, even when the facts have shown that this is not the case; the habit of making gaffes ("unless you are a vegan (most Pro-'Lifers' are not) you are in no position to object to abortion"); and a total insensitiveness to the feelings of other people ("it would have been wise and sensible to abort your Downs baby"). It is tempting, if you think you may have a Dawkins baby, to kill your child and "try again", but we cannot recommend that course of action.

However, recent scientific research has produced a new wonder-drug ECCLESINE^TM, which is guaranteed to reverse the condition. All the patient needs is two vaccinations, with regular boosters every few days, and there is no need for hospital treatment. Here is the case history of a sufferer from Dawkins syndrome, whom we shall call "Richard" to protect his anonymity.

Day 1. Patient is screaming incoherently, but we get him strapped down and vaxxed, after which he calms down and goes off to his laboratory to torture chickens.

Day 2. The patient is still hard to control, he keeps crying out for the honey that "Bin Laden stole from me", and asking to try human flesh.

The patient's estranged wife explains the symptoms to a specialist.

Day 3. We decide to hurry up the treatment, and give him the second vaccination. He's still phoning up random strangers to ask them "Why didn't you abort your baby, she's not as clever as I am," but his heart no longer seems to be in it.

Day 4. Definitely he is much calmer, and just sits around reading books on zoology. He does occasionally bite the carpet, but only out of a sense of duty. We introduce a Bible into his room, and instead of screaming, he just looks at it sadly as if to say, "If only they knew..."

Day 5. We give him a third vaccination. This may have been a miscalculation, as he breaks out into hymns (causing the neighbours to phone the police in the belief that someone is being murdered), and tears up copies of his best-selling books, including "Why I am much cleverer than God", "The blind watchman" and "The self is gin." He decides to write a book explaining the philosophy of Aquinas ("Don't worry, I'll make it up myself, as usual").

Symptoms of Dawkins syndrome include losing your sense of taste. These can be treated by burning the patient's shirts.

So, as you can see, Ecclesine may be the wonder drug that allows Dawkins sufferers to lead a full and active life. Can I have my Nobel prize, please?