Be nice to atheists at Easter

For once, an ecumenical post - no digs at Anglicans, Lutherans, Orthodox, etc. Not even Fr James Martin SJ. We're all in this together, folks.

Twitter is not the world - there are rumours that those things walking down the street are also human. If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? If you poison them, do they not die? (If you get into trouble testing this theory, I accept no responsibility.) Still, if the real world is anything like Twitter, there are a lot of very unhappy atheists wandering around at present.

An intellectual giant among atheists, seen in happier times.

The problem is, that there are two big celebrations going on this week:

1. Jesus Christ rising from the dead. Mankind redeemed. Life suddenly has a meaning.

or

2. Bunny rabbits. Chocolate eggs. Er, that's it. This is what my life has been leading up to.

So if you're stuck at party (2) and you see people at party (1). What do you do? Why you get cross and say things like:

Of course Jesus never existed. Or, if he did exist, his message was "Enjoy yourselves, folks" and he was probably an atheist. Nah nah nah, you never see accounts of the Resurrection written by people who said it didn't happen! Children are brainwashed. Tee, hee, hee, why shouldn't I choose Thor or the (ho, ho, ho) flying spaghetti monster instead?

This is the real alternative to Christianity, but it may be tactless to mention it.

I love that last argument. Suppose you want to go from London to Edinburgh? There are many wrong ways to do this:

1. Take the M23 to Brighton, then drive into the sea.

2. Get on a Circle Line train and go round and round until you are thrown off.

3. Take a United Airlines flight to New York. If you can.

4. Sit in a dark cupboard moaning "Edinburgh doesn't exist."

Since there are 99999 wrong ways to get to Edinburgh, this PROVES that there is no right way. Anyone you see driving up the A1, taking a train at King's Cross, or taking a flight advertised as going to Edinburgh, is just a deluded fool who believes in sky fairies / invisible friends / whatever the latest insult is.

Of course this place doesn't really exist!

For once, Richard Dawkins doesn't seem to have joined the atheists' grayling and gnashing of teeth about Easter. These days his atheism seems to be less obsessive than his dislike of Brexit, Trump, Muslims etc. and advertising some ghastly tour of the States that he is making - perhaps he is having second thoughts in his old age?

Anyway, have a happy Easter, dear grumpy atheists. Remember, this is the choice that faces you:

Peter and John heading for the biggest event in history.

OR

The second-biggest event in history.

Justice for Tina - the fight goes on

We are shocked to read in the Tablet that Professor Tina Beattie, the "Catholic" "theologian" has been banned by Archbishop Leo Cushley of St Andrews and Edinburgh from speaking on Church property in his diocese. This blog has long been a supporter of "lovely Tina", without controversially going so far as to describe her as either Catholic or a theologian, and it is time to revive the Justice for Tina! campaign.

Theology? An ology? She gets an ology and she thinks she's failed?

Of course St Paul notoriously wrote "Women keep silent in church" (1 Corinthians 14:34), but modern theological scholarship has concluded that this was probably an over-reaction after the day he took his Auntie Moly to church with him and she kept up a constant commentary of "Woeful!" Archbishop Leo's interdiction - according to the Tablet - is even fiercer, and dear Tina will not even be able to speak on church property. So even a "good morning, bruvver Eccles" will be a hanging offence if she says it while standing in the church car park.

Archbishop Cushing.

Leo Cushley was apparently acting on instructions from the Inquisition (now known as the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith), and this is evidence that even in Rome the writings of dear Tina are scutinised for heresy. Tina, as a close friend of yours, may I give you some advice? If one day you are lecturing in Roehampton and you find Cardinal Gerhard Müller sitting in the audience, BE VERY AFRAID. Drop your plans to explain how abortion and same-sex marriage are key Catholic doctrines, forget any possibility of comparing the Mass to an act of homosexual intercourse: go for something uncontroversial, like the parable of the sower and the seed, while keeping off rude jokes about seed.

The campaign goes on.

To be banned once (Clifton), Tina, may be a misfortune; to be banned twice (San Diego also), looks like carelessness. To be banned three times (Edinburgh) looks very much as though someone thinks you've been misbehaving. But we're not going to take this lying down, are we, Tina? Forget the massacres of IS/ISIS/ISIL/SS (Satanic State)! Forget the fact that Cardinal Kasper was cornered by 20 cardinals led by George Pell, and had his head pushed down the Vatican toilets! Forget the fact that the Catholic Church in Scotland is now run by the SNP! No, the burning issue today is JUSTICE FOR TINA! Write to the Pope now! Write to Gerhard Müller! Write to the Tablet! Write to the Beano!

45% of Scots said that Tina was welcome to lecture in their homes!

Have we got news for you?

In Scotland, a pro-life doctor, Doctor John Finlay, has been reported to the General Medical Council, the British Medical Association, the National Health Service, the Office of Fair Trading, Which?, CAMRA, OFGAS, Esther Rantzen, George Galloway, the RSPCA, and the RAC for professional malpractice.

Dr Finlay (R) - a pro-life fiend.

Apparently, a woman came into Dr Finlay's surgery with a young baby who was suffering from an ear infection. Dr Finlay, a staunch Catholic, was quite shocked when the lady said "Well, let's just terminate this one, and I'll have another one, with genetically superior ears." Instead he insulted her by dropping some ear drops into the baby's ear, and sending her home.

Should babies with earache be allowed to continue living?

The Edinburgh Pro-Choice Association (joint presidents, William Burke and William Hare) is up in arms at Dr Finlay's religious bigotry. It has vowed to get him thrown out of his profession, and to prevent all shopkeepers and tradesmen from serving him, in the hope that he and his family will do the decent thing and starve to death. "How is the body-snatching industry going to survive if doctors insist on saving lives?" they asked.

---

Meanwhile, further turmoil hit the BBC today after the arrest of Bill the Flowerpotman. Mr Flowerpotman is currently under investigation by the police for alleged sexual harassment of Miss Weed on various occasions in the 1960s, although he has consistently claimed that it was his brother Ben who was guilty.

Bill (sex fiend?) and Ben, with Miss Weed, in happier times.

It seems that Mr Flowerpotman was due to chair the next edition of the news quiz game show Have I got news for you? - his verbal skills being considered far superior to those of Ian Hislop and Paul Merton. Hislop, one of the stars of the programme, took time off from thinking of sexual jokes about Catholics for his once-funny magazine Private Eye to comment "Flobadob!" before dissolving into gales of laughter at his own wit.

---

Finally, Boston College, the Jesuit University, has confirmed that it will be awarding an honorary degree to Dr Kermit Gosnell, the controversial doctor. "After we awarded one to Enda Kenny, it was a natural step to take," commented a spokesman. "One of our mottoes is Αἰέν ἀριστεύειν (ever to excel) and we look for people who stand out from the crowd, no matter how repulsive they are."

Religioni et Bonis Artibus - but we don't take this too seriously.