Mogg turns to the dark side

The scene is breakfast at Mogg Towers. The Right Honourable Jacob Rees-Mogg, Leader of the House of Commons and Lord President of the Council, one of the UK's most senior Catholics, is eating breakfast, watched as always by his faithful nanny, Nanny Ogg.

Jacob: That's all, I've finished!

Nanny: No you haven't, you naughty boy. Eat up your kippers.

Jacob: I ask the honourable nanny to note that I have never liked kippers.

Nanny: Jacob, you will eat those kippers or go to your bedroom!

Mogg at the breakfast table.

Jacob: Oh, all right, Nanny.

Nanny: There's a good boy. Now, Jacob, I want to have a serious talk with you. Are you still a Catholic?

Jacob: You know I'm a Catholic, Nanny! Didn't Helena and I go to Mass in the private chapel on Sunday? Didn't we take the children, all the way from big Prima down to little Quartus Decimus? Father O'Blimey said he was delighted to see us. And you were really good as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion, Nanny!

Fr O'Blimey's sermon on "The best bits of Laudato Si'" fails to grip.

Nanny: Yes, all right. So perhaps you could explain why you are member of a government that is doing so many wicked things?

Jacob: Wicked things, Nanny?

Nanny: Yes. For a start you are trying to remove abortion restrictions in Northern Ireland. Fr O'Blimey says you can be excommunicated for that.

Jacob: Oh heck, that was Bozza's idea. You know Bozza - blond, unkempt, bit of a sex-maniac, but basically a good guy. He's my boss now.

Mogg's choice of anti-virus mask should have warned us.

Nanny: And now I hear that you're changing the divorce laws to make it easier to put asunder those whom God hath joined, or at least whom a spotty man in a grey suit in a registry office hath joined.

Jacob: Still, we did scrap one of Bozza's ideas, which was that randomly-selected people would be contacted by the Home Office and told "Surprise, surprise! We've just given you a divorce! From now on your registered address is the garden shed."

Nanny: It's not good enough, you know. Also the nation's Catholics want to go to Mass - even the bishops want to, and they're the last people you'd think of getting involved! Moreover, the Anglicans are missing the helter-skelters and crazy golf that their own cathedrals normally provide. And all you can do is witter on about needing a haircut!

The inside of the Mogg private chapel, St Mogg's.

Jacob: Can't the Catholics go to their private chapels, as we do? No, I suppose not.

Nanny: It's not good enough, Jacob. You're a naughty boy. What are you?

Jacob: A naughty boy, Nanny. Sorry!

Nanny: We had intended you to be the next Prime Minister but three.
But after this, my patience fails. Go off and govern New South Wales!*

*Hilaire Belloc.

Eccles is excommunicated

As a faithful worshipper at the Church of Twitter (founder: Pope Jack), I take part in its services several times a day, offering the sign of peace (or, more usually, engaging in pointless bickering) with fellow-worshippers. Thus I was very distressed on Saturday to be told "Thine account is suspended, and thou mayst no longer share in our worship."

Pope Jack.

Although I knew that I must be a great sinner, worse even than those who wish death on Coronavirus sufferers such as Boris Johnson, those who swear all the time, the promoters of abortion, or those with rainbow flags on their profile, I was not told which of the unwritten laws I had broken.

Yet, WE ARE ALL SINNERS. But is this not the age of mercy? After discernment and accompaniment, may I not be readmitted into full communion with Twitter? Isn't Cardinal Marx looking into my case?

Can Eccles be saved?

Still, it would be good to know exactly what I did. Here are those I have offended most recently:

Bishops who tell people to stop fasting, 
Christopher Lambkin, 
The Washington Post,
Popes who accuse others of idolatory, 
The Diocese of Middlesbrough, 
Greater Manchester Police,
The chair of the University of Warwick Labour Society, 
Alexandria Occasional-Cortex, 
The president of the Austrian Caritas, 
Bishop Mario Grinch, 
St Greta of Thunderbird...

Lots of good smiting there, but was any of this wrong?

Meanwhile, I am appealing (but you knew that). While waiting for judgement, I can still dip into the spiritual nourishment that is Twitter, and it must be a bit like turning up to one's own funeral (with the Dies Irae bit omitted). Thanks to those who put in some kind words.

As Hilaire Belloc nearly put it:

"When I am dead, I hope it may be said, 'His sins were scarlet, but his tweets were read.'"

The Apostle Judas Isconry resigns in shame

Jerusalem, AD 30

One of the country's twelve most senior clergy, Apostle Judas Isconry, today declared himself "relieved" that his secret was finally out. For months he had been "having a relation" with the chief priests, and in the end the fact that he had sold out for thirty pieces of silver became only too clear. After Jesus had been betrayed by Judas, He staged a surprise comeback, and promptly went to the Daily Mail (editor: St Matthew the Evangelist), which duly printed the whole story. However, Isconry insists that he is not resigning over his affair with the chief priests, but over an earlier relationship (believed to involve a man with horns and cloven hooves).

Bishop Isconry caught by a Daily Mail photographer.

Bishop Isconry has now resigned his position as apostle, and his future is very uncertain. Said his senior colleague, St Peter, "Who are we to judge? The bastard betrays Christ, thinks of nothing but his own personal desires, and has caused untold distress to the folk for whom he was supposed to be a spiritual father. Give him a break!"

The Bishop himself was at pains to stress that he had at no time shown hypocrisy by preaching against the world, the flesh and the Devil. Indeed, many people, hearing his words, had wondered whether he was really an apostle at all. Moreover, he did not encourage Confession, for if he'd gone to Confession himself, it would have given the whole game away.

The fruits of Bishop Isconry's ministry.

The big question now is "How much did the other apostles know?" Could the Apostle Cormac himself really not have known about Judas's double life? Was the "Protect the Messiah" blog suppressed by the Archangel Michael because its author persisted in revealing embarrassing truths? Why did St Damian the Spectator not bother to investigate when he heard rumours about Judas - was it because they were not yet officially confirmed by Twitter? Does St Catherine the Popehater really think that an adherence to traditional rules is at the root of the problem? Indeed, should apostles be allowed to take wives - other people's wives, that is? Well this is all very sordid, so let's finish with a charming picture of a saint.

St Kieran the contrite says "I like a wine with body..."

---

On an unrelated matter a reader, Mr Hilaire Belloc, writes:

Young Kieran was a naughty lad
Whose mischief made his parents sad:
For in Confession he would lie
And make up sins. The priest would sigh:
"Young lad, you say you've killed your aunt,
And eaten her - I cannot grant
You absolution for this sin:
Two hours ago, your aunt dropped in!
She showed no signs of being eaten."
The wicked lad was soundly beaten!

Sorry, ran out of ideas at this point. The plan was that he would become a bishop and get involved in an adulterous affair. But nobody would believe it, would they? H.B.

Pope Francis hears how well the English bishops are performing.

A cautionary tale

(With apologies to Hilaire Belloc.)

Giles Fraser

Giles Fraser thought that telling lies
Was fine, for priests who wished to rise
To higher ranks, and wear a mitre:
Deceit could make their task much lighter.

If he was asked, "Who's in your bed?"
A bishop could tell lies, instead
Of owning up with honesty.
(We don't believe in sin, you see...)

"Do I have a sleeping partner? How dare you..."

It happened, after many years,
God took the man with funny ears:
Giles Fraser, aged just ninety-seven,
Had died - but did he go to Heaven?

Alas, I fear 'twas not the case,
For GOD said "Giles, you're a disgrace!
I've seen the way that you behaved:
There's no way, mate, that you'll be saved.

Just like your bishops, when they die,
You've made your bed, so on it, LIE!"

Giles Fraser's latest article is very good, don't you think?